Speaker 1: 0:36

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green and today's guest is Aisha Nyer. Aisha is an early years teacher, parent coach, educator and mom of three, and she coaches parents on how to cope with their young children's big emotions and boundary testing behavior, with the goal of building strong relationships. And that is what we're all about here at Speak Out Standout is building communication skills in our children so that we can have those strong relationships and they can go on to have strong relationships with others. So, aisha, really glad to have you. Thanks for taking your time today.

Speaker 2: 1:09

Hi Elizabeth, I'm so glad to be here.

Speaker 1: 1:11

Thank you for inviting me onto the show so before we dive in, tell us just a little bit about how did you get to where. This is your focus and this is what you teach.

Speaker 2: 1:22

So I used to be a teacher in a nursery and then I used to run a nursery department in international schools and I always had parents at my door and I think because it was their kids first year at school usually, so they were every day with questions, trying to ask for advice on behavior issues etc. So I kind of feel like I've been coaching parents unofficially for years and years and years and I always thought that you know, oh, you know, it's so. I'm not going to say easy, because I never I knew that it never I knew it. I never knew, I never thought it was easy, but I just felt like I had a lot of advice to give and a lot to say and obviously built great relationships with parents that I used to work with. But then I became a parent myself and I was just hit with this realization that, oh my God, I don't know anything and, but more importantly, just the feeling of isolation and loneliness sometimes, and I realized how little support there is for parents and that made me realize why those parents were always at my door. As you know, I was just their kid's teacher. You know, I didn't sort of know about things that they, you know, necessarily it wasn't my profession to kind of give that advice, but I realized that they just don't have anyone else to talk to and I found that when I became a parent I was like there isn't anywhere to kind of just want this question answered and there's nobody to ask and nobody to tell me what to do. So I then started running baby and mom or baby and parent and toddler and parent play groups where I lived in Prague at the time and that became that sort of community where I was kind of teaching parents what I know and what I read, what I experienced about child development, raising children in a, you know, healthy, respectful, conscious way, and they would come and ask questions and we'd have you know amazing discussions.

Speaker 2: 3:41

I did, I ran workshops for parents usually for expecting or new parents on how to start this right from birth, how to, you know, have this in your how, builds that sort of relationship with your baby right from the start, and then, obviously, pandemic story. I guess everybody's got a pandemic story, I sort of. I started doing all of that. I tried to start do a bit more online because we couldn't meet in person. So I I've had a few clients that I've worked with online and I have had a membership group, some course groups et cetera. So, yeah, that's sort of how I've ended up here. I've got three kids my eldest is six and I've got twins who are four. So that was also quite a quite a ride when, when they were born and I went to show her New born twins and a two year old was definitely one of the most challenging things, but but yeah, it was.

Speaker 2: 4:41

You know something that we got through and and I'm just going to kind of start, if you, if you don't mind, because it sort of flows in nicely that's everything that I have in mind and I'm just going to start with the relationship that you have with your child, and the extremely important foundation of that is how you communicate. So we just always come back to communication. I think it's such a fundamental part of any relationship and that includes the relationship that you have with your child, and I think that's a really important part of the relationship, and that includes the relationship that we have with our children and how we communicate with them, how we speak to them, how they learn from us how to communicate with others just all feeds in to you know how we are with them and whether or not we have, you know, difficulties and challenges, which there always are, but through communication you can help yourself and help your child get through those challenges.

Speaker 1: 5:52

So, yeah, absolutely, and, like you said, it's so important not only that we build those foundations with them so we protect our relationship, but what they learn from us these early stages. This is going to go on with them throughout their entire lives and absolutely so much of it like you said it does the foundation is always on communication, so so you talk about.

Speaker 1: 6:11

One of the things you coach on is how to really get through the big, the big emotions right. So whether they're toddlers and they're so frustrated because they can't get their shoe on right, or it's a teenager that's frustrated because they have a curfew earlier than they'd like right, it all is the same, just different scenarios. So what are your strategies and number one tips for dealing with those scenarios?

Speaker 2: 6:37

So number one is and I'm going to kind of start maybe from a point you might not expect but number one is making sure that you, as a parent, feel content and calm. I, calm is a phrase that you know we use a lot, but sometimes you can't stay calm. So I don't want you to feel as a parent, you know, I don't want you to feel the pressure that you have to always be calm, but I like to use grounded. So whenever I either anticipate or see my kids kind of, you know, becoming frustrated or I can see that there's going to be a boundary that they're not going to be happy about, I make sure that myself, either before I set that boundary or before I approach them if they are frustrated or angry or whatever, that I take, you know, sometimes it's 10 seconds, it's a minute, to ground myself so that I go in to that scenario able to help them, rather than joining in the chaos, joining in with the frustration and anger and madness.

Speaker 2: 7:45

I'm not saying it always works perfectly, because we know, we all know that real life is, you know, very different. But if I can manage that and if you can manage that, you know, find something that grounds you as a parent and take that time. You know, I've had moments where I can hear my six-year-old, you know, whining about something or complaining, and before I go to speak to her, I'll just and I remember sort of standing at the fridge and I opened the fridge to get something and I heard her voice and I felt my frustration rising.

Speaker 2: 8:19

And I stood there at that fridge with the door open and just took that 20 seconds to kind of focus myself and focus and think about what do I want. You know, when I go and speak to her, what do I want her to feel and what do I want to get out of this. And I was like, okay, well, I don't want to get into an argument, so let's hear, calm my own nerves, calm my own self, and then close the fridge door and then I went to speak to her. So number one is really being aware of how you're feeling at them in that moment as a parent, and I really know that it's not always possible to kind of take that time. If you know, if it's a sibling argument or if something dangerous is happening, you have to step in right away. But if you can, if you remember, then it really really helps.

Speaker 1: 9:10

And I was just going to add too. I think it is. You're right, it is so much easier said than done, especially in the moment, but this has been a commonality of a lot of parent experts that I've spoken with. It stressed the importance of this, and so for me personally, that has, in the moment, it's still a struggle, right, but it's also made me realize do I have to have this conversation right now?

Speaker 1: 9:32

Or can I hold off and have this conversation at a later time when we're both calm and I go into it with a full focus and, like you know, under, like you said, know what I want them to experience from the conversation, what I want them to learn, but also feel from it. And if you step away from a little bit, it's so much easier to do. But, like you said, not always feasible at the time. Sometimes we have to address it, right then, and that alone has definitely helped me as a parent.

Speaker 2: 9:56

Definitely. And also, you know, especially with older children, where they are more verbal, and I guess, you know, with little ones it's often, you know, something that they might be throwing or trying to hit a sibling or whatever. With older ones, you know, you might still have like these physical reactions, but it tends to be a lot more verbal. So you can, you know, maybe the danger isn't that immediate, so you can take a step away and, you know, say to them I'm not ready to have this conversation right now, I just need a couple of minutes. Can we just re, you know, meet again in five minutes, or something like that. And they, you know, they might, you know again, they might not necessarily be thrilled about it, but it's better for everybody rather than coming into an argument and just having that.

Speaker 2: 10:45

You know, high, high emotions, high, flying everywhere, right, so, yeah, definitely you can do that. And then when you, when you do go in, it's, I think, we often assume a lot as parents. We, you know, we step into a situation and we think that and I don't mean this in, you know, I do the same. I don't mean to sort of mean this in any kind of judgmental way, but you know, as adults, we always tend to think that we have the solution, that we are right, that we know what's going on right, right.

Speaker 2: 11:21

So sometimes it's just good to have a little bit of a reality check and pass that onto your child and just kind of, instead of approaching the situation with right, I'm going to solve this, I know what we're going to do here. Just approach it and be a little bit curious and see, okay, what is going on, and If it's an older child, ask them a question first, like what's going on? I really really like the opening question, like, if something is happening with older children that are more verbal, to first ask them like do you actually, do you need my help, do you want me to do? You want to talk about it or do you want me to just listen? Cause very, very often as well and this applies to younger children as well they sometimes they just want to be heard and, as we know, communication it's as much about listening as it is talking. So let them. Let them say what they want to say first. If it is, you know, a boundary that you've said, like you know, like you said, a curfew, or they've, you know, not allowed to go and see their friends or their screen time is finished and they are frustrated about it, let them express that and tell you what's bothering them and be a listener and hear them out. Because often, again, you know we and this comes from a good place because there are children and we want to help them we know that's our job, it's kind of our entire life role is to help our kids and, you know, make sure they're not unhappy and we want them to be happy, et cetera. But sometimes we can just override what they're feeling and what they're trying to express by our assumptions and our sort of responses. And feeling heard just helps with everything.

Speaker 2: 13:14

And I know personally, you know, when I'm bothered about something and I go and tell my boyfriend about it and he starts being like, oh well, did you think about this? And what about this and what about this? And I'm just like I don't want to listen. I don't want you to tell me what to do, I just want you to listen to me vent and listen to me rant. Yes, and kids need that as well. So giving them the chance to express themselves.

Speaker 2: 13:40

And you know, with older ones, and I find this, you know, my six year old is kind of really, she's almost, she's actually almost seven, she's really getting into this and I don't like the phrase sassy, but just you know, like the language and the attitude and the tone and everything, trying not to take that personally and if they are responding to you in a way that you feel a bit uncomfortable with, be honest, they say, well, okay, I hear what you're saying, but I'm not. I don't really like how you're speaking to me right now. So can you try a different way? Or, if not, maybe we need a little break and let's come back to this. And maybe you need a little break and I need a little break. Let's come back to this conversation in 10 minutes.

Speaker 2: 14:25

So, I think, without you know, without shaming and blaming, and like how dare you speak to me like that? And you know how, just kind of being that you know that sort of I don't know how to call it like traditional or, I guess, aggressive conversationalist. Be more understanding but honest, but have boundaries as well that are personal and safe to you. Like, I don't like how you're speaking to me right now. Let's come back to this in a minute. Or can you try again? Can you try saying that again? And I will say this to my six year old. I say this to my four year old and I've said this when they were two as well, you know when they've been either shouting at me or crying and I say I'm sorry, I just I would like to help you and I'm here to listen to you. But if they're whining or something, I can't really understand what you're saying. So please can you try again. So okay, let's see what. So, yeah, giving them a chance to tell you what they need to say.

Speaker 1: 15:29

Yeah, and I just really wanted to like back up to what you were saying about that importance of letting them talk. When you, you know I'm saying the exact way when I'm complaining or venting about something, you know you don't want somebody to fix it, you just want sometimes to be able to vent, and a lot of times, especially if our kids are younger, who else do they have to vent to? You know it's us, so we need to respect that, and I say all the time in our debate classes the reason why they are so successful and so popular is because that's all it is is a chance for the kids to speak and be heard.

Speaker 1: 16:03

That's all it is right and it's amazing how it transforms them to be able to have people really focus on what they're saying, because you know in the day to day. Our conversations are always interrupted or we're doing other things. So to kind of get that attention and being able to carve out that time for our kids when we feel like they need it, and then for me too, the hard part is if they say I don't want to talk, looking away, you know, and accepting that too, I think that's hard, but so important.

Speaker 2: 16:28

Yeah, and I think you know those skills also. I say that teaches them. That teaches them about their emotions and how to cope with them and how to express them appropriately. You know that's, that's all skills that they are gonna need when they're adults to be able to figure out what they're feeling and how to cope with it and how to deal with it. So talking things through and giving them that space to feel confident enough to talk about it.

Speaker 2: 16:58

You know there's so many of us, and myself included, when I feel something I just shut down and I just won't, you know, won't say a word, and I find it very, very hard to share anything, because a lot of us have been, you know, brought up where, in environments where you know we are told to stop crying or don't make a fuss, or you know you're making the big deal out of nothing and why are you so mad? It's, you know you shouldn't be mad and we're kind of. We've been raised and taught to shut down our emotions. So now as adults, we find it very difficult to to deal with them and you know everybody's in therapy and everybody needs help. So allowing our children to work through those feelings and learn about them and they can't learn about them if they don't experience them. And they need to experience them in a safe space with a person who is there to support them through it, because it's you know, it's that those emotions are really big and strong and they can be quite scary sometimes as well for kids. So, giving them that security and safety to be able to express themselves and have the confidence that they you know, they've got this space to say what they, what they want to and you know to what.

Speaker 2: 18:14

I had a moment with my, with the twins, where I'm not going to get into details, but they, they were just like messing something up and and I did.

Speaker 2: 18:25

I actually, you know, I raised my voice, I shouted, and after a while they came up to me and they said you need to say that you're sorry for shouting at us. And you know, and I was like, of course, of course I did, and I apologize genuinely, but the fact that they had the confidence to tell me that I thought that was quite amazing as well, that they felt that, you know, this is a situation where people apologize and they don't feel afraid, they feel confident enough to come to me and say we feel like we like, like we need an apology from you. And then obviously we you know we talked about it, but just so having that relationship where your child is not afraid to be 100% them and tell you 100% what they need from you, even if you feel a little bit like, oh yes, I'm in the wrong, you know, but they've got that confidence to kind of call you out on it, and I think I actually feel that's really, really beautiful and that's a relationship that's going to last a lifetime.

Speaker 1: 19:28

So if they don't ever see us apologize to things we expect them to do it. Yeah, we're like no, I don't know you. An apology. Then all we're doing is teaching them to respond the same. So that's amazing.

Speaker 2: 19:41

And it definitely works because, you know, apart from all the regular sibling arguments, I have heard them, you know, genuinely apologize to each other without me saying anything and when that happens, oh my gosh, my heart just explodes when that happens. So, yeah, it's some modeling is. You can never underestimate how important it is actually how they, how they pick up everything that you do. So, yeah, so I'll just go back to we ground ourselves, we let them not child speak, and we then so they feel heard, and the next step is to validate. Validate their feelings or emotions, to show them that, yes, we have really listened and we've really heard, and it's really easy to do, but also you have to kind of it's takes practice, for sure, everything takes practice and as a parent, you know learning all the time. We're learning new things every day.

Speaker 2: 20:44

I always say to the parents that I work with like, we're always learning. I'm learning how to be a parent of a six and a half year old and a four and four year old, and next year I'm going to be learning how to be a parent of a seven year old and then I'm going to be learning how to be a parent of a 10 year old. So it always, always learning. But um, uh, what was I saying? Sorry, yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:05

So after we make sure we're grounded, then we give them an opportunity to see opportunities again, then we validate.

Speaker 2: 21:10

Yeah, we validate the feelings. And this can look like you know, for, uh, let's say, a two or one and a half toddler who is just completely falling up out because they got, they wanted the green cup and you've given them the blue cup, and our instinct is to say to kind of dismiss, to be like, oh, you know what's the big deal, it's just the cup, the green cups dirty, you can use this one, we'll have the green cup later. And just like we kind of try and justify and explain and that just that just keeps the wheel spinning. That you know those emotions and they still feel unsatisfied, they still feel disappointed, et cetera. Whilst, if we can just validate what they're feeling, wow, you're really disappointed, you wanted to use your green cup and it's not available, and then just zip it Once you've said that, said to them, I find it, I find it. It's like you have that at the tip of your tongue where you want to explain and be like, oh, but the you know the green cups in the dishwasher, just zip it.

Speaker 2: 22:17

Just say, just say to them, show them that you understand and with an older child, I know how upset you are. You really wanted to go and see your friend today and I said no, and I understand that you're mad about that and zip it and done. There's no need to justify, there's no need to kind of explain yourself. It's not about us kind of being in this position where, oh, we need to justify what we're doing. It's about us being the parent who has confidently set a boundary and we are accepting our child's disappointment. They're allowed to feel disappointed and we validate that disappointment for them, we show them that we are understanding of how they're feeling and we keep the boundary because this is what we've decided. For whatever reason, you're the parent, you have to keep them safe, etc.

Speaker 2: 23:13

And again, same with an, even with a teenager. There's a lot of and in a really, really good and positive way, I mean this in a good way there's a lot of similarities between communicating with toddlers and teenagers, in that, of course, I understand that the situations are very, very different and much more complex. But if we can extend that same, you know, validation and acceptance to a teenager's feelings, as we do to a toddler's feelings, you know that line of communication opens up and, yes, they might storm off. Yes, they might, you know, shout something at us that we don't like, but we remember that it's not personal. It's just them expressing themselves in the way that they know, and they're learning. They're still learning. You know, even though they're as tall as us, or sometimes even taller, they're still learning and our role is still to guide them at that point.

Speaker 1: 24:15

So I love what you said about like and this is the hardest part for me to is just stopping you know, like what you said, just stop, like I understand you're upset about this. Stop right, like I mean, just like stopping yourselves that is so hard for me. But it makes so much sense when you say it.

Speaker 1: 24:32

like the example you gave, it sounded like the conversation was over, whereas if you'd gone on with, but you can't use it because of this reason or whatever. It just opens up a room for them to respond, so that that makes a ton of sense.

Speaker 2: 24:45

That's what I'm saying it almost like just opens up just this power, you know, room for another power, struggle and negotiations, and you, just you, just keep going, whereas whereas if you can and I don't mean, you know, in like a mean or strict voice, but just a confident voice and a calm voice you state the boundary and then you show them that you understand that they're feeling upset about it or disappointed about it, and you know you can. You can accept and acknowledge and validate their feelings and you can hold the boundary as well. So, yeah, like it's, it's, it is a skill. It's definitely something that I had to learn as a parent and you know, I've sort of been practicing for years now and I and I have to admit that I do find it a bit harder with my older, you know, the older my daughter gets, because all these expectations come into my head as well and I'm thinking well, she's, you know, she's old enough, she should know that she shouldn't argue with me like that.

Speaker 2: 25:47

But when, and when, you know, when I get all those thoughts in my head and I give in to them, then again it just continues and an argument happens and all that, whereas if I can really see it, as you know, she's she's still learning all these skills and I'm still here to support her, and my role as the parent is to stay grounded and not get caught up in these power struggles and arguments. My role as a parent is to make sure everybody's safe, with whatever limits I've decided or boundaries. I've decided and and, but, then also giving them the space to express themselves because I am that safe space for them.

Speaker 1: 26:28

Yeah, Well, I love it and I love that five step process, and so that makes it so much easier to remember, right, make sure we're grounded, give them the opportunity to speak and set our boundaries and zip it and validate their feelings.

Speaker 2: 26:42

And validate yes, validate Of course, that's kind of I think that's probably one of the most powerful parenting tools, if I can call it that Like, and I, and I, you know, with my toddlers, I would sort of see them like their bodies would like have this physical relief when they were crying about something, and and I would just say back to them, yeah, you really wanted to play with that thing and it's, you know, it's not available, someone else has it. Or you really really wanted that thing, and they kind of just go into this like, yes, and just, you know, collapse in relief that finally someone understands what, what. Or you know that I understood what they, what they were upset about. And and the thing is, I know, I'm sure if you've ever had a toddler, you also know that trying to give them the thing that they want, that they're upset about, that never actually really solves that tantrum, it never really helps, right, because it's really not about the thing, it's more about the feelings and allowing those feelings to be. And it's I think it definitely applies to our older kids. And and then you know, again with our older kids, more verbal kids, we can have a conversation about it later, you know, either in the evening, once everybody's calm once we're having a nice cuddle. You know, if it's something that you feel needs bringing up again, but without the heat of the emotions, just have you know, open it up again and it's not like, hey, I saw that you were like so upset earlier about this. Do you want to tell me more about that or do you want to have another chat about it? Do you need any help with anything?

Speaker 2: 28:18

So, giving them the opportunity to process it again, if you know if it's something that's recurring or if it's something that you notice that you know they always get upset about switching off the screen or you can never really have. You know there's something that that you always end up in arguments about. And another way is some kind of going a little bit off topic but is involving them in the boundary making process, in setting the boundaries, involving them, you know, appropriate to their age, and having a conversation, communicating with them about it. You know how, how would you feel if your boss comes to you and just says, hey, you need to work extra three hours every Friday from now on, done, and walks out of the room? Or, versus your boss comes into you and says, listen, we've got this big project coming up. I need, like, extra hours from you. How can we make this work so same with your team? You know, I'm the parent.

Speaker 2: 29:22

I feel like an hour and a half or whatever, like an hour of screen time a day is a good and healthy amount. What can we do? How can we agree on this boundary to help you stick to this boundary and then, if you find that there are you know, after the hour is coming up, there's always a lot of feelings, always a lot of upset Revisit it, communicate again. Like you know, we agreed that an hour is a healthy amount, but you're finding it really hard to switch off, like what, what could we do to help you? You know, do we need, do you need, a reminder 15 minutes before? Do you need, you know, a reminder half an hour into the time so that you can switch what you're doing? So, yeah, communicating everything comes back to communication, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 30:07

And it's not negotiating either. It is, I mean, it is just communicating about. This is the boundary. How can we help you? You know, meet these things. So I think that's fantastic and, you know, often we don't speak to children like we speak to adults, and we shouldn't, for a lot of reasons. However, in some cases we are not, not in some cases, in a roundabout way we should Like if I wouldn't say it to an adult then I probably shouldn't say it to my kid either you know or use.

Speaker 1: 30:34

Yeah, Like you, just use the example with the boss coming in right, it's the same scenario you want to treat him with respect to exactly, and I think that's it.

Speaker 2: 30:42

You know, some some people get like all ruffled up when you say you should speak to children in the same way you should to adults and, of course, when we say that it just means extend them the same respect that you would any other human being, because they are also a human being.

Speaker 1: 30:59

Exactly you said it's so much better to be that's exactly what I meant. Absolutely Well, I should. This has been really, really helpful. Again, I love the simple stuff approach. That makes it easy to remember and easier to implement, and something I'm certainly working on myself. So you offer coaching and lots of other things, so we will, of course, put all your links in the show notes so everybody can see you and if they're interested in working more with you to dive into these things even more and on a more personal level, you're available, right.

Speaker 2: 31:31

Yes, yes, I'm available, All right.

Speaker 1: 31:34

Awesome.

Speaker 2: 31:36

I also have a podcast, trust. It's called trusting children podcast, so you can search for that as well. It is geared mainly towards younger kids, but the information in that can definitely be applied to to older kids as well.

Speaker 1: 31:51

Yes, absolutely, and we'll definitely link to that as well. So feel free to or definitely follow her podcast and feel free to reach out to her on her socials and their website if you'd like to chat with us some more. So thank you again for your time and your insight. Really appreciate you, thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 32:06

I've had a really lovely conversation with you. Thanks for having me. Me too, thank you.