Speaker 1: 0:35

Welcome back to Speak Out. Stand Out. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Kevin Baker. Kevin is a certified professional life coach for teens with a specialization in fostering happiness and wellbeing. He is all about helping teens overcome limiting beliefs, fostering self-awareness and ultimately discovering genuine happiness in their lives, which is, of course, what we all want for our kids and teens. So, kevin, we're excited to have you here. Thanks for being here today.

Speaker 2: 1:02

Oh, thanks for having me. It's really exciting. I'm glad to uh glad to get a chance to chat with you.

Speaker 1: 1:05

So, kevin, one of the things that I was really interested in in learning more about you you have a tagline that I've heard you say many times about um, creating a positive impact on the world Right, and I think it's super interesting because our tagline is building confidence in the future, one voice at a time, and so I think we have very similar missions, even though we go about them in different ways. So tell me, just first and foremost, why is this important to you? How did you get to where? This is your calling and this is what you need to be doing.

Speaker 2: 1:33

That's a great question. You know it's taken me 44 years to figure it out. It was uh. You know I've always had a passion for helping people uh in, in, uh. In my younger years, you know, I started out in the music business as an artist manager and as a, as a booking agent and someone who would help uh to uh foster a sense of creativity and um enthusiasm for artists, knowing that you know they are good enough and they can. They good enough and they can be whatever they want to be. As time moved on, I got into real estate and it was great. It gave me financial freedom to pursue a lot of different passions that I have.

Speaker 2: 2:16

But in that couple of year window I have, but in that couple of year window I had a little bit too much time on my hands and I started to have a feeling that I needed to do something different. I needed to make a change and I had a transformation. I started to do a lot of reading and listening to a lot of podcasts and audio books and really trying to figure out what the meaning of life is and what is the purpose. Why are we here? What are we doing? And I don't think I have it figured out yet, but I think I'm close and I think that is to have the greatest positive impact on as many people as possible while I'm here on earth.

Speaker 2: 3:07

And so I went down that path to figure out you know what can I do, you know how can I help, and you know, being that I was going through a trying time myself, I determined that, with my uncanny ability to generate rapport and create friendships with all sorts of different people, that my energy should be focused on helping teens and tweens and young adults to get through. Teens and tweens and young adults to get through a really really confusing, frustrating and difficult time in their lives of trying to figure out what they want to do and who they want to be and what they want to be. And I've discovered that that's one of my passions and that's my calling, and it feels so great to have that meaningful purpose in life. That's like okay, now I know what I'm doing.

Speaker 2: 4:03

I'm helping people figure it out.

Speaker 1: 4:05

It makes such a difference whenever you can feel like you're making a difference instead of just making a living. But I think you obviously have a gift because in my well, just personal opinion, I think teens are arguably one of the hardest groups of people to connect with and arguably go through the roughest time period in you know. So far out of my life, I think teenage years were probably the hardest and the most challenging. So you must have a calling to be really focused on that age group.

Speaker 2: 4:31

Yeah, well it's. You know I'm in the thick of it. I have a 14 year old, I have a 12 year old and I have a nine year old going on, and you know they face real life challenges every day and they face challenges and hurdles that we did not have to face, absolutely. You know, with, with, with social media and the age of information and the. You know the constant state of FOMO that they find themselves in, because you know they're seeing all these, these people with these perfect lives doing these perfect things that that, uh, you know that are not real, uh, but but they see them and that's the input. You know that that they get, um. So, you know, trying to trying to maintain that positivity, uh, and give them goals and, uh, help them with action items and steps, uh, by which they can get there. That's how I am honing my craft, cutting my teeth and sharpening my skills is by doing it every day.

Speaker 1: 5:29

Yeah, I'm right there with you as a mom of a teen and a tween as well and, like you said, it was hard enough for us growing up, but they have all these different challenges that it's hard to navigate as a parent and how to help them as teens. And so to get to the meat of what we're talking about today, I am very excited because this is not a conversation we have had yet on this podcast. We are all about building communication skills in our kids. Right Today, we're going to be talking about understanding nonverbal communication, and I am really excited to hear what you have to say about this, because when I think of nonverbal communication, I think of my teenager rolling his eyes when I tell him he needs to empty the dishwasher, right, so let's like, what is? What do you mean when you say nonverbal communication?

Speaker 2: 6:12

to begin with, Sure, yeah, you know, in my opinion the nonverbal communication is just as important as the verbal communication that you're receiving from anyone anytime in life. And if you can practice reading that and understanding what it means and interpreting how people are feeling by how they're looking, how they're gesturing and what direction their eyes are pointing when they talk, there's so much that you can take out of it. For instance, one of the kiddos I work with has a social and communication disorder, so the way that she communicates isn't necessarily how you would think one would communicate. So when she is feeling really anxious, she will make a statement and it will be in a totally boisterous way. That is not normal.

Speaker 2: 7:20

Uh, it's not the way that you and I would communicate. Uh, having a conversation it's, it's more of a yelling, you know, with a furrowed brow, uh, with, um, you know, in body language, like very tense, you know, and, uh, and so she communicates, uh, not only with, with her words, but she uses her, her, her gestures and her voice and her body language to give it an extra, an extra sense of of what she feels it needs and that and that happens, and, and anybody really that's trying to communicate something will, you know, give it that extra gesture I look to to get their point across.

Speaker 1: 7:58

Yeah, I was going to say we all do that right, Even though we might not be aware. Point across yeah, I was going to say we all do that right, Even though we might not be aware of it.

Speaker 2: 8:03

Right and speaking with our hands, for instance?

Speaker 1: 8:05

Yeah, yes or I'll you know, say you. You may think you didn't roll your eyes, but you can't see your eyes. I can see that you rolled your eyes at me. So well, what? I guess I? We have a couple of different questions here and a couple of different ways we could go. But for starters, in understanding our kids and our teens and their emotions and what they're feeling, how can we look at their nonverbal communication and start to pull things from them that they might not know how to actually verbalize?

Speaker 2: 8:33

I think the number one way that we can start to pull some nuggets out of the nonverbal communication is to really be aware of what's happening and to notice every little look or twitch or eye roll based on what's being said. Because what I've learned is that the feedback that you get, that is the communication. So, whatever's happening, if they shut the door, that's communication. If they say I need some time right now, that's the communication. If they say do you want to go for a walk? You know that's a communication. They need something. You know, I have a kiddo that you know he'll tell me that he's hungry, but I know that that actually means he wants to talk, he wants to chat, and so you know there's all these little tricks that when you're aware and you're present and you're actually practicing that active listening in combination with being aware of the nonverbal cues, you can get so much more out of any communication, whether it's just in passing or if it. If it's, you know, behind a door, yeah, you can get that.

Speaker 1: 10:03

So I'm really curious. You said he says he's hungry but he needs to chat. How did you ever combine those two things and realize what he was really after, and and do you think that he realizes that?

Speaker 2: 10:14

I don't think he realizes that yet because I'm I'm trying to hone my craft and practice that and really give myself proof that that's the case. But when we sit down and we start talking, the hunger goes away. There's no more mention of it and it's often late at night. It's often like 7.30 at night. I was like I don't know if you're hungry, but we just had dinner. So there's that and just sort of being aware of that, and I know the needs and I know the types of kiddos that they are and I know that they need to have their cup filled and, however that happens, I know that sitting down at night and having that 30-minute conversation is what that kiddo needs to fill his cup at the end of the day to make it feel like, okay, I was heard and that's what he needed to have a good day.

Speaker 1: 11:06

Yeah, I think that you really kind of struck a chord with me there, as I have both boys and a 15 year old, always, always hungry. It's always, you know, that's the most words that he speaks to me in a day, or I'm hungry, or just hungry, you know, and I never thought that. And oftentimes he'll say it too right after he ate something, and we know that growing boys eat a lot, right, but there could be just something else that he's feeling that is just not sitting right with him and he's just identifying it as hunger, but really he just has a different need.

Speaker 2: 11:35

Yeah, Maybe it's hunger for conversation, maybe it's hunger for comfort from mom, maybe it's hunger to go out and play with his friends or ride a bike or whatever it is. But often the kiddos have a lot of feelings and they have the feelings. They don't necessarily have the ability to relate the feeling that they're having to what's happening and what they. And by them voicing it, that's the first step by them saying something, communicating something, whether it's verbal or nonverbal, but the job of the parent and it didn't always used to be like this, but now I feel like the job of the parent is to be a detective and figure out. He gave me this sign and this overwhelmed.

Speaker 2: 12:25

You know, and maybe that you know there needs to be an outlet and you know, and maybe after giving them the chance to talk or to exercise or to do whatever that thing is, that they're hungry for you know that's when their cup can be full. You know that's when their, their cup can be full, um, and it and it may not always be food. It might be a hug, you know, and it might be, um, you know, a board game or quality time or, uh, being on a device for a little bit, uh, but yeah, looking for something that's, that's sure, a sign.

Speaker 1: 12:57

Well, and how? What are your tips for parents to recognize and diagnose you know, if that's the right word the types of nonverbal communications?

Speaker 2: 13:08

that they're seeing from their kids. Well, it's everything, it's. Whatever is happening is that's the communication that you're getting. You know, and people will often maybe feel that you know, their kids don't talk to me, my kids won't talk, my kids won't communicate. But you know you're getting communication and maybe it's just that you know they don't need mom or dad right now.

Speaker 2: 13:33

You know, and maybe maybe it's that well, the funny thing about kids is that when they do need something, they know where to go and they come right to the parent. And I guess, being aware that you know communication comes in many different forms and trying to be mindful and, I guess, quiet all of the noise and distractions that are in our own minds as parents, of our expectations and what we think should happen, what we hope to happen, and just be aware of what is actually happening and be aware of how the kiddos are interacting, what we overhear them say, what we visually inspect them doing is to be aware of all that and then to take all the little bits and pieces of communication and put it all together with our parent minds in a big puzzle and then say I know my kiddo, here's what's happening. Here are the verbal and nonverbal pieces of communication I'm getting and then sort of use our superhuman parent minds to try and figure it out.

Speaker 1: 14:49

Yeah, I think it's interesting. You kind of referenced not what we expect out of our kids or expect them to be. Somebody said something recently about you know, our children are not many versions of ourselves, right, they are their own unique people and sometimes what we expect from them, or we expect their reactions to be similar to what ours would be, and they're not. When you were saying that, it made me think.

Speaker 1: 15:12

My youngest is 10 and he is has never been a cuddly child and I he's my baby, you know, I just, and he's the cutest thing and I just want to, like Elmira or whatever on Looney Tunes, just hug him and kiss him and squeeze him. You know, like he's just, you know that mom instinct to want to love on him. And I have he's 10 and I have just in the past year realized he really doesn't like when I do that and he wouldn't tell me to stop, but I can tell by noticing the nonverbal communication that he's giving me, that he really just doesn't want me to love on him most of the time. And so I've had to pull back from that and I've had to say can I give you a hug, can I give you a kiss? And sometimes he'll say okay, but just one.

Speaker 1: 15:53

You know, and it's as a parent. It's so hard. Especially the mom in me just wants to squeeze him, but he would have never. It's not his personality to say don't do that, mom, and I feel like goodness. He's 10 years old. How long have I been torturing my child by giving him hugs? And he doesn't want them. But I think that's an example of nonverbal communication, right, that we have to be, like you said, active listeners and really paying attention to our kids outside of just listening to them, but watching them to understand what they need sometimes, or what they want or don't want.

Speaker 2: 16:25

Yeah, and it happens to the best of us, where we start on another, our internal narrator is giving us some other direction. But what we really have to do is just stop and listen, and oftentimes I'll hear a kiddo say you're not listening to me, you're not listening, you don't listen to me. And that's when we really have to listen. That's when we really have to listen to what comes before and after that part of it, because it's crucial what they're saying, it's important, and we want them to feel like they're being heard. You know, because you know, when we are their supporter and their guide and they guide and they trust us, we have to be there for them. Whether it's a verbal you're not listening, or it's a nonverbal sort of I'm hungry, or a sign that don't hug me trying to figure trying to figure out.

Speaker 2: 17:25

Uh, you know what their, what their love language is like. You know, hugging obviously is your love language, like that's how you want to show affection to them, and that's great. That's what parents do. Uh, you know kiddos, you know, maybe foster a sense of communication with our kiddos and if one doesn't like to be hugged, then as a parent we figure out what their love language is, and maybe it's just a big bowl of pasta right in front of them. Maybe that's the thing that shows me you love them. But everybody's different, yeah.

Speaker 1: 18:04

Well, what do you say to parents as far as the way we express ourselves with our nonverbal communication to our kids, like what you just made me think of, whenever your kid says you're not listening to me? Yes, sometimes we're doing the dishes or doing dinner and we're just really not giving them our full attention. And maybe we can't at that moment, but we're giving off verbal cues constantly, whether we're doing the dishes or doing dinner, and we're just really not giving them our full attention, and maybe we can't at that moment, but we're giving off verbal cues constantly, whether we're listening while looking at our phone half listening to them but not looking at from our phone, or whatever. What are things that we as parents can do to make sure that we're expressing ourselves in the way that we want our children to receive us right?

Speaker 1: 18:43

And also teaching them at the same time the way to communicate with people non-verbally.

Speaker 2: 18:48

Yeah, I mean. Well, I think it's all about modeling. You know, and I think that's the hardest part for parents is because you know we were, we were brought up a certain way and you know our parents maybe maybe they modeled that for us and maybe they didn't but for us to be able to calmly use our bodies and our gestures and our looks and our eye contact in the appropriate way to model for our kiddos on how they should do it, and it's like teaching them their manners. You know if you'd like something, you know you ask for it with a please and then you say thank you. You know modeling behavior.

Speaker 2: 19:35

You know on how to, on how to share things, modeling behavior on how to address a tough situation without getting emotional.

Speaker 2: 19:49

You know how do you address, you know, a tough situation with your spouse or your significant other or your other child that still still emits a sense of calm, a calm and collected adult that can manage their emotions, even when things happen that you know it might want to make you scream, yeah, or it might want to make you cry, or it might want to make you just run out the door.

Speaker 2: 20:26

But for parents to be able to take a minute when they're faced with a tough situation and pause and take a deep breath and cohesive response to whatever's happening. So, to regulate our emotions and to teach our kids how to stay out of the red zone, how do you stay calm, cool and collected, even when faced with a situation that makes you anxious or, you know, triggers your sympathetic nervous system? You know how do you regulate those emotions emotionally intelligent and realize that we're having a feeling before we say anything and before we do anything, so that they can process it, and then you know and then give a response. I think that's that's one of the best ways that we can model that behavior for our kiddos.

Speaker 1: 21:42

Yeah, I saw something just the other day that was saying something floating around on social media. That was saying when your kids speak to you, look up from your phone, because you never want them to think that your phone is more important than your kid. And I mean, I work from home, you're an entrepreneur too. I'm sure there are many times you're doing something, not just scrolling social media. But there's something important, and that's when your kid wants to tell you about their day or something like that and I am very guilty of half listening.

Speaker 1: 22:11

However, it drives me insane. If somebody does that to me, like you know, I feel just disrespected. They're not listening to me, so why? Why would I do the same thing to my kids and then not expect them to do it to me? Because we model that behavior.

Speaker 2: 22:24

Right. Right, because we've modeled that Just like you said. We've modeled it right, we've modeled that behavior. Yeah, so you know, one of the things that I'm getting better at is, you know, not putting my phone on the table when we have dinner. You know, it's tucked away, it's locked, you know, in the closet. I just don't, I don't bring it out.

Speaker 2: 22:41

You guys are more important than my phone and for me to be able to put that away. And then, when they try and bring a device to the table, it's like, well, what are you guys doing? We don't do that. And it's like, well, dad, no, mine's over there. So it's really important to model that behavior and look people in the eye, and that's what we're trying to. In a world where there are screens in front of them all the time, it's really important to have that eye contact, to be able to really focus on what they're saying or have them focus on what you're saying. It's tricky to practice that too, to be able to ask them to focus on you when something has to be said or something has to be addressed. I mean, it's an important skill to be able to just have that one-on-one conversation.

Speaker 1: 23:38

Yeah, and we expect them to do that. I know if I have to have a hard conversation with one of my kids, I'm expecting them to look at me while I'm talking to them. But I realize in this conversation that there are a lot of times when I don't give them the same, even though the level of conversation might be different. They might be talking about a video game or something, and I might be emptying the dishwasher or something along those lines. But what does it hurt to take a couple of seconds and just stop and look at them to show that whatever they're telling me about is important?

Speaker 2: 24:06

to them, you'd be surprised. Just taking that couple of seconds and putting down and stopping what you're doing and to start actively listening to them while they're telling you about the video game can have such a great impact on the connection that you can have.

Speaker 2: 24:22

It's like, oh wow, dad cares about this, or mom cares about this and then you can start to speak in their language a little bit, if you take in a couple of the nuggets about whatever game they're playing, and then you can repeat it to them and say, oh, is that when you can get to the next level? Once you defeated those, now I get it Okay, and that game is about that Okay. So, like, once you're able to have those conversations and start to it's like building rapport. Rapport with anyone you know to be able to find something in common. You know that's not school, that's not chores, that's not cleaning your room, you know something that's fun is where relationships really start to hit the sweet spot. It's when you can really start to have fun and be more than just the authority figure.

Speaker 1: 25:15

Yeah, yeah, I think I love that you said that.

Speaker 1: 25:18

I think that if anybody's listening and you have younger kids and it is, I mean, being a parent is difficult in all stages of parenting so far I think and my oldest is 15, but there is really, like you said, a sweet spot and that's what I keep kind of telling people. I feel like I'm in the sweet spot right now where my kids still want to be around me and they still like me, but we can have fun together. And you're exactly right that my idea of fun is not listening to somebody tell me all about Pokemon, but if it's important to them, then it should be important to me too. And, like we said, there's just those nonverbal cues that we're giving them when they're sharing things with us. I think is so crucial. Well, kevin, do you have any Before we wrap up? We're almost out of time. Do you have any other tips or solid strategies that people can walk away with today and say this is how I'm going to help my family build communication skills when it comes to nonverbal communications.

Speaker 2: 26:19

I think the active listening and the active intake of whatever is happening with your child. Just because they're sitting there reading a book or on their device or playing with Legos or doing whatever it is they're doing, that doesn't mean they're not communicating to you. And I think when you're witnessing that, ask yourselves you know, what kind of body language am I seeing? You know, what are they doing with their feet? Are they tapping their foot? You know, are they really anxious? Are they crossed over, sort of closed off and defensive? You know, with their arms, are they, um, are they smiling, you know? Are they not? Is there hair in their face covering their eyes? Are they trying to hide?

Speaker 2: 27:14

You know, there's all these different things that we can, we can process as communication, that's that that are nonverbal cues, that, by, by taking all that in and putting together the puzzle in our, in our parental head, uh, we can, we can have a pretty good idea of how our kids are feeling and have a pretty good idea of how we can communicate verbally or non-verbally to them to uh, to open up a conversation, uh, and to ultimately, uh get them to communicate with us in a way that's productive and proactive.

Speaker 1: 27:50

Yeah, Well, I think this was very beneficial. Kevin Really appreciate your time and your insight, and you do life coaching, so tell us a little bit about if somebody's interested in talking with you more, maybe exploring some of what you have to offer. Tell us where we can find you and what you do.

Speaker 2: 28:05

Sure, so I am a certified professional life coach for teens and tweens. I help kiddos remotely. We usually talk between the hours of 3 pm and 8 pm, eastern Standard Time, and if I have a group call on Tuesday nights, we have about 30 kiddos in there now and it's great for folks to have an opportunity to come in and chat, and often it's great because the kids will provide solutions to each other what's going on. So it's a great way for everybody to relate. We make friends, we have fun, we build rapport, we talk about video games and music and fun and then some serious stuff too. So you can find me at LifeCoachKevincom and Instagram is at lifecoachkevin. Uh, facebook is teen life coach Kevin and uh, yeah, sign up to uh to chat and we'll see if we can. Uh, we can, we can help your kiddo too.

Speaker 1: 28:57

Do you offer a free consultation?

Speaker 2: 28:59

We do. Yeah, okay, yeah, just schedule a call and, uh, I'll be happy to chat with you guys and we'll make a custom plan that'll get the results you're looking for.

Speaker 1: 29:06

Fantastic, all right, and we'll make sure we link to everything in the show notes so it's super easy to click through and check out and really appreciate what you're doing. Kevin, and, as we know, teenage years, like we said, are tough, so anything we can do to relieve that a little bit for our kids because ultimately they're growing into adults much quicker than we want them to do in some cases so being there to support them in every way we can is so important, so appreciate you and all you do.

Speaker 2: 29:31

I really appreciate this.