Speaker 1: 0:35

Welcome back to Speak Out. Stand Out. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Pei Yi. Pei Yi is an integrative teen and parent behavior specialist and she has lots of great things to share with us today about how to communicate with our teens, especially whenever we end up with some a little bit more on the rebellious side. So really excited to have this conversation. Pei Yi, thanks for being here today. Thank you for having me, elizabeth.

Speaker 1: 0:59

I love talking so well, tell us a little bit about you, then, how you know, what's your background, and how did you end up with this being your focus in life?

Speaker 2: 1:09

Well, as Elizabeth is. I'm a PE and I'm a Taiwanese at heart, but a Scottish by choice, because I live in in Scotland for 20 years now and I think my journey of doing what I do is a really fascinating one. But coming short story is, I was that rebellious teenager myself and I grew up in Taiwan and back in Taiwan era there was just no support for my parents whatsoever. You know you can imagine Taiwanese culture. You know there's just no support. What's parenting? And so my parents really struggled with me for about six years, and I really struggled myself for six years really. So there's always this seed in my mind thinking you know what, one day I grew up, I want to help children, I want to help families, so people don't struggle like my family did.

Speaker 2: 1:58

And my life journey has been really interesting. Took me to Scotland. I just studied and studied and then found out oh, there's this wonderful thing I can do with families. So then, but two years ago I left my corporate job and decided to come up to have my own parenting practice. Just do it my way. There's nobody tell me what to do, but do it my way. And it's been a really interesting journey because you, you know when you're working in corporate, there's always rules you have to abide to, but now it's only my rules, the way I want to help family, and it's been very fascinating. So that's where I'm at today.

Speaker 1: 2:31

That's great. That's great, and you know there are so many different resources out there to help different stages of parenting, but one that we have not talked about on this podcast before, though, is really dealing with more difficult and, like we said, to use the word, rebellious I guess that's the biggest, the best way to describe it that many, many families deal with this as their kids are growing and becoming more of who they are inside, and trying to figure that out. Sometimes they behave in ways that we don't necessarily want them to do, and how do we help them to continue to grow, be the person that they are, but also parent at the same time, right, instead of just letting them do whatever they want? So, so I mean, what do you say to, starting off, to the person who's like well, is my kid rebellious or are they just a typical teenager? Is there a difference?

Speaker 2: 3:21

There is definitely a difference, right? You know, like the normal back chat, that is really normal, as a teenager or your teenager want to stay in their bedroom, and that's actually a very healthy developmental milestone. They want autonomy, they want privacy. You know I'll be very worried if your teenage children want to be with you 24, 7 hours a day. Right, that will be worrisome for me. So I think you need to look at if the behavior is out of a developmental zone. You will be very worried in terms like thinking oh is my teen absconding, running away, not coming home? I don't know who.

Speaker 2: 3:54

The friends are always hiding on the phone, talking, chatting. I don't know who they're talking to. Or you know lies that you can't understand it's just lies and after lies, or then. Or being really aggressive towards you. You know it's not just like no more disrespectful, being a bit cheeky, like don't tell me what to do, I don't want to do what you want, and you know it's like I'm gonna kill you or you shut the f up. You know all these things I'll be thinking that is a bit worrying and rebellious, at least to say, but at the same time, we need to understand where they're coming from, though, because the behavior is never the cause, it's just a symptom to tell the parents actually, you know what I am not feeling, okay, and I need you to help me, but I don't know how. So they tell you through their behavior. But at the same time, parents might find that really quite difficult to manage, thinking I raised you and this is not how I raised you, right? And my little girl, my little boy is?

Speaker 2: 4:54

no longer listening to me and becoming really disrespectful. It's quite hard for parents to navigate, actually.

Speaker 1: 5:01

Absolutely, and I love that you said that behavior is. It is their communication right? They don't know how to come and tell us that something's wrong. They might not even know what's wrong, right, but there's something going on. So how do we begin to help them? And, like you said, obviously we need to recognize there's something that's causing this, but how do we begin to dive into that? That seems so heavy and deep.

Speaker 2: 5:25

It's really heavy and deep, but at the same time, it doesn't need to be difficult, right? I think the first thing I would advise the parents are thinking about when your children enter the adolescent hood we need to be prepared to grow with them listen, hood. We need to be prepared to grow with them. That's really important and that means you need to start thinking about your parenting practice. What the bit I need to change? Adapt to my teenagers developmental needs.

Speaker 2: 5:50

You know they are not that five-year-old say like you know, go, go, sit on a naughty chair, or you be naughty, go do that or don't eat that sweet, right? That kind of communication will no longer work with your teenager, right? So you should start thinking how do I grow with my teenager? Then they start to think about you know what sort of knowledge and what my teenager is going through, what other things I need to know being a teenager? We all been a teenager ourselves, right, right, but when we were teenagers we really didn't know what was going on.

Speaker 2: 6:18

Although everybody tells you, oh, teenagers are terrible, you know, they're just rebellious, they do this and they do this, but actually teenagers are so funny and they're just in a very different stage of their life than they were growing up.

Speaker 2: 6:31

So I always advise the parents to really, you know, get yourself more knowledge about what's really happening in the teenage years. You know the brain development, their social skills, the emotional literacy, all of those things and that when you notice your teen is not the usual self, the first thing I will always tell the parents is to acknowledge what you see, but not the behavior, the feelings behind the behavior. So if your child is coming, if your teenager is coming to like throwing the chair or slamming the door, you are not gonna go like don't slam the door. Of course you want to put some boundaries in place, that. But you want to say, hey, it's really not like you to slam the door. You look a bit upset. What happens? Right, that's always. The first step I would encourage the parents to do is to think about how I can attend to the feelings first, before you actually think about what boundaries in place or what strategy you want to implement to help your teenage children. Really Gotcha.

Speaker 1: 7:29

So what do we do, though? Yeah, that absolutely makes sense. But what if they slam the door because they're angry at us and we ask them what's wrong? Obviously they're irritated at us or they just don't know. How do we continue, Like, how do we dive into that so that they can really start to dig into it?

Speaker 2: 7:47

Yeah, I suppose it's a continuous effort and repetition, isn't it? So, for example, elizabeth, you are a mother, right, and you also work. You might come home, slam the door, the cupboards or being very grumpy, and you know your kid might tell you mommy, look at me, I'm sick today, right, right. Then you might say, no, I'm not really upset, yeah, I don't want to talk about. Oh, you know what mommy is okay, but that is part of the communication. That's a starting point, but you need to, you can. Then your kid might tell you, or your kid coming home, vice versa, your kid come home like that, mommy, somebody, you did something to me in school, like hit me when we were playing, or whatever.

Speaker 2: 8:24

You'll come for them, but when they're not ready to talk, you will always come back to that conversation. But you always tell them you know what. Mommy's here to listen. When you're ready to talk, I'm here. It's that invitation is there for them, and I think it's really important for the teenagers to know.

Speaker 2: 8:40

It's really important for the teenagers to know the invitation is there I'm here to listen when you're ready to talk, but at the same time, for the teenagers to know or for the parents to know when I ask you that's not like you, and why are you slamming the door? Doesn't necessarily have to have the first response back, and teenagers doesn't usually tell you that, like you said, and it's about being patient with the process. You know I'm here to listen. You know you're ready and there will be moments your teenagers are settled and then, when you're having a nice time, so what happened the other day? It's really not like you, you know. So it's like being staying curious as well and don't let the conversation goes, because parents, sometimes your life is easy. Teenagers might forget and parents might. Oh, that's the other day that I've forgotten about you now, but you'll will come up with again. So it's always remember those conversation and when do you have them? How to have them is really important.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Yeah, I think that that's so key because it is so easy to be like oh, that's in the past, right, let's just well, let's just move on. But it takes active parenting on our part to open ourselves up and have those conversations. I have found my oldest is a teenager and I found that he is most likely to talk to me when he's when I'm about to go to sleep, you know, like at night. Thankfully, he still lets me scratch his back, so I'll sit in there and scratch his back. You know he's relaxing and that's when he mostly wants to open up to me, even though I'm like I'm really ready to go to bed. But we have to take advantage of those opportunities because that's when he's feeling safe and ready to speak Right.

Speaker 2: 10:05

Absolutely, and it's those moments you want to grab, like you say. You know, even if it's two o'clock at night, you want to sleep. Let me speak to them, and you know they don't usually like to share their thoughts and feelings and if they want to, like you say, they feel really, really safe. They feel they can come to you to speak about things. And I think that's the things.

Speaker 2: 10:24

Parents struggle sometimes, thinking my kids don't tell me anything anymore, you know, and they don't, you know, want us to know certain part of their story, which I think is okay too, but that's quite hard to to for parents. It's like but I used to know about everything, like the playgroup, you know their friends and who they play with, what they're doing. But now I don't, you know. But, like I say, it's part of the development and it's actually a healthy development is they have privacy. There's this part of my life. I want to keep it to myself, but when I'm ready, then I will tell you. You know, as long as they're not doing anything, you know you're worrying, right, right.

Speaker 1: 10:59

Well, are there any questions or prompts that you suggest that we kind of keep in our back pocket that might encourage them to open up, or, on the flip side of that, things that we shouldn't say or things that we should ask?

Speaker 2: 11:13

Well, I always encourage the parents to make sure your conversation is concise and small dosage Right. And I think one thing parents do and it's really good intention is they want to help their teenagers. They know they're upset, they know they're angry, they know they're troubled about something and they want to get to the bottom of it. But when your teenager is not ready to talk, they're not ready to talk and they were just going to be having a. What is that? A reverse effect. You know they're not ready to talk and they were just going to be having a. What is that? A reverse effect? You know they're just like leave it alone more like they might get even more angry. So it's about being able to attune to your teenager's signal, right? So I will say to the parents read, read into that and then just be patient, like I said.

Speaker 2: 11:56

But the one thing I will always encourage the parent, the strategy to use, is be curious, right? When you have that curious curiosity in mind, you don't assume anything and it's like you're talking to your colleagues. You'll be curious. You don't just go into the oh, it's because of this, so then you're this, then you're going to tell them to do xyz. It's the same thing with the teenagers. You know what happened the other day. Oh, I wonder if there's this. What happened to Jay? Oh, is Jay still coming to the house? So you are actually being curious about the circumstances, but, again, attune to your teenager's mood and needs, because at that time they might not want to talk. That will be the strategy I give to parents, which is a very important strategy is be curious, yeah, and you need to know when to pause the conversation and I like what you said about being concise.

Speaker 1: 12:45

I know that's a struggle for me is wanting to. Sometimes I just will go on too long and trying to relate to them and really I'm just stifling the conversation when I should be asking more just open-ended questions, right, and giving them more space.

Speaker 2: 12:59

Yeah, absolutely. And I think the parents if you look at the intention, it's amazing. They really want to support their kids, they want to educate their kids and every moment becomes a teachable moment. But imagine you leave it like that with a partner. Every moment is a teachable moment. I think that would drive us crazy If my husband was like that I told you this and this and this. Oh my God, I think I'll be divorced. Very soon.

Speaker 1: 13:25

That is true, though. Right, that is a great point. We need to teach them or treat them the way that we would like to be treated as well, and nobody likes to be told what to do all the time, anytime, really.

Speaker 2: 13:36

Sometimes your teenagers just want you to listen. Sometimes they just want you to listen. Sometimes they just want you to come for them. You know and I think that's another thing to remember is it to and I think teenagers might struggle with this and the parents struggle with this as well because they don't know how they're feeling, they don't know what they need. So the parents can actually ask you know, what do you need me to do right now for you? Is it to listen, or is it to give you advice, or is it we're going to solve the problem together, which is really important for the team a skill for the teenagers to learn through the communication and confidence actually to be able to ask for help when they need to.

Speaker 1: 14:10

Yeah, oh and that that that hits home because I, you know, sometimes I just want to vent to people and when they start telling me how I should handle the situation, I get defensive because that's not what I wanted. I just needed somebody to listen to me. But you're absolutely right, as parents we feel like we need to fix it. We want to fix it. So making ourselves just zip it and not offer advice when it's not asked for, that's difficult, but I can see how that's super important.

Speaker 2: 14:38

Yeah, and it's difficult, but it's definitely doable and it just requires some practice. And I think what is difficult for the parents is because you know your roles and responsibilities are different. You never date your teenagers, steal your child right, and you want the best for them, you want to be there for them, you want to do things for them and at some point you want to feel needed, you want to feel like you can still do something for your teenagers and when you feel that rejection is like no, I don't want this, that is hard for parents to manage. So there's a lot of feelings involved that probably parents would not be thinking about and that could be in the way you know sometimes. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:17

What do you say to the parent who's like I have tried, I've tried, I've tried. My kid will just not open up to me. There's this wall here. I don't know how to break it down. What do you suggest in that scenario, when it's just waiting for them and being available for them still isn't opening things up?

Speaker 2: 15:34

I will actually go back a step earlier is to think about your relationship with your teenager. Yeah, as a starting point, to think about the quality of your relationship, the strength of your relationship. What is in the way for your teenagers to open up to you? You know, what is your teenager's experience of you, right? Is it something that happened in the past, like every time your teenager tell you something and you go like you know, I told you what to do this or what did it? You know, or you make your teenagers feel bad about themselves, or they feel like you know, I told you not to do this, or you make your teenager feel bad about themselves, or they feel like you know what. You're just going to say no, or you're just going to make me feel X, y, z. So we need to think about these things. What was your teenager's experience of you as a parent, which is really important, and I think sometimes parents forget about this. They think this is my children, they know I love them and yes, they do. But there's also their experience of you is so important, you know. So I think I would advise the parents to think, go back, to think about what's your relationship like with your teenager. And if you do really have a genuine, connected, healthy, good relationship with your teenagers, I really don't see your teenagers won't open up to you. You know I will always think there's a barriers in their, the challenges in the relationship for the teenagers not feel safe or the experience of you in the past has stopped them from doing that, and how to rectify that is. Go back to think about how can you strengthen your relationship, how can you change that experience of your team, the your teenagers experience of you when they come to say to you something like like mom, I smoked cannabis last night, you're not going to go. What Drug is not allowed, you know? And the next thing, the next time they won't come to you for anything anymore. So you might need to do yeah, you might need to say oh, okay, that comes a bit of a surprise. You know, tell me more.

Speaker 2: 17:23

I think it's really important. You can always put the boundary in after you know the whole story. But I think the parents sometimes get so worried they're just like this is not happening. I'm gonna pull my foot down, this is your boundary. So then you miss out the whole stories from your teenager. But they forget if you actually stay calm, be curious and listen. Then you can get the whole story and respond, interact rather than react Right Like, yeah, I can do these things. Your teenagers, you know, will actually appreciate that. And then you can go and put the boundaries in place, which is a very successful sequence. And your teenagers know, actually I can come to my mom and dad and speak about things that you know, I know they weren't like and I know I didn't do that purpose, about my friends or X, y, z. So that's really important for the parents to think about. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1: 18:14

Well, what do you say to the parent? That's like I blew it. They came to me about something. I did react instead of acting, and I wasn't curious. How can I repair that so?

Speaker 2: 18:28

that next time they might feel comfortable coming to me. Very easy Go back to have the conversation with your teenager. You know a lot of parents will be thinking like, oh, that's been done. I have to assert my authority. I cannot go back to do this, they will disrespect me. Actually, I see it very differently when you are able to admit you're wrong and made a mistake and rectified that.

Speaker 2: 18:46

Your teenagers see that is a appreciate that and you're also role modeling. It's okay, I don't always know everything, but I'm able to change my course of action to make things right. So just go back to your teenagers. You know what? Last night was late, late at night and I was really sleepy. I didn't really think I responded very well to you last night and I'm really sorry about that. Let's have a conversation again. This is how we're gonna do and it's the same thing. You know.

Speaker 2: 19:10

Sometimes the parents will because they hit over the moment. You're grounded for two months. You'll never look. I see your phone again and anyway, hey, I just told them that I can't take this back, otherwise I'm losing my authority, right? Yeah, that happens all the time. I said no, you can what you will tell your teenager. Last night you made a decision because xyz, and this is how you're going to change your decision. And then it works out. Every single time teenagers appreciate that it's like, oh, this is not the usual response I'm getting. This is great, you know and you want to teach your teenage children you are allowed to make mistakes.

Speaker 1: 19:45

Right, that's what I was going to say. Not only are you kind of fixing that situation, but they're seeing that you can make mistakes and how to handle it when you do, because obviously we want our children to grow up to be respectful partners and things like that, and sometimes they're going to make mistakes, but if they just don't ever acknowledge it, you know that's how you can really cause issues in a relationship.

Speaker 2: 20:11

So if we want them to learn how to do that, they have to learn how to do it somewhere right. So it should come from us Absolutely. And I think one thing the parents often forget about is the after moments conversation. You know they think, oh, we already had that conversation. Say, last night your teenager slammed the door and then the the next game day you have that conversation with your teenager and say, all right, don't do it again. But what really needs to happen is do you know what, tom? Okay, imagine your child's talk. Sorry is next time when it happens, when you're upset, what are some of the things you can do instead of slamming the door? So you're also teaching your teenage children how to problem solve and have different strategies rather than slamming door. But you know so and the parents sometimes forget about these things like these moments are so important because then you're teaching them problem solving skills, you're giving them different alternative strategies to manage their feelings. You're also modeling, you know, naming their feelings for them, which are really important.

Speaker 1: 21:03

And it's more work. Right, it's more work, so it's easier just to be like ah well, that's in the past. But in order, you know, we have to put in the work, right. If we want to raise healthy, happy human beings, then we have to put in that work. We have to do the hard things sometimes.

Speaker 2: 21:17

And those conversations can be very fun. You will be so surprised your teenagers are so creative and they will come up with really good ideas. Okay, maybe next time I'll just do this instead.

Speaker 1: 21:30

You mentioned something earlier and you were saying you know, for an example of a rebellious child and you were talking about maybe somebody who lies just all the time about everything, what do you say to the parent who's listening that has that child how? And they can't. They just really can't trust them over even the silliest things. Is there? Is that something that we can break through with our kids, or is that a bigger issue? At what point do we need to be like I'm not qualified to help with this?

Speaker 2: 22:00

OK, this is a really good, interesting question, elizabeth. Because you know what, when your child have a cough right or runny nose or have a fever, you send them to the doctor straight away. But when you actually have a difficulty at home with your child or with your partner, with the co-parenting challenges, people don't come out and ask for help. They think you know well, I can manage this. But sometimes you know, if you don't prevent things from the get go, sometimes it can make things worse for your family. So I suppose I want to encourage the parents to think about it differently. You know it doesn't have to be the last minute then you go ask for help. You need to think about the early on stage, you know, because nobody teaches you how to be a parent to begin with. Right, you learn how to be a parent through your own experiences or thinking okay, I've been through that, so I don't want my kids to experience that right, so that I want to get out there say it's okay to ask for help and ask help as early as you can, because then you can prevent a lot of challenges along the way.

Speaker 2: 22:54

Right, coming back to the lying part of the thing, the trust, and I work with a lot of teenagers and parents. Actually, the trust was just not there at all, you know. But trust can be. If you think about trust is broken, then you can think about trust can be repaired too. Right, but it's a process between two people. How do you repair that trust and again that trust with each other, and it doesn't necessarily just coming from the parents themselves. The teenagers also play a very important part in this mutual process.

Speaker 2: 23:28

But always encourage the parents, always coming back to your relationship and your experiences, what makes you think you, what makes your teenagers want to lie to you? You know why can't they trust you with the truth? You know what did you say or not intend to say, but landed with them very differently, or how they receive your message very differently, so they interpret it like okay, that's what it means. I, I'm not gonna be like this, so I'm just gonna keep lying. Or I know when I tell the truth, I'm gonna get into a lot of trouble. Or when I tell the truth, I'm gonna feel bad about myself. So this happens very often.

Speaker 2: 24:04

But it's about how do you have that conversation with session with your teenager? I keep talking about having conversation, right, because it's so important. Having conversation is part of the communication because you create a sheer meaning. When you have that conversation, you know which is so important. So you want your teenager to understand why you're worried about the lie and why is the trust not there and how can we rebuild this trust. But at the same time, it's not about your lecture and your child. It's about teenagers have their say why can't you trust me as your mom or as your dad? What did I do and how can I make this different Right? So that requires mutual process and teamwork for the parents and teenagers to regain that trust.

Speaker 1: 24:46

And you touched on something, too, that I think is so important. You said, whenever you're saying, what did I say? Or how did they interpret what I said? Because that is so different, right, those are two very different things what we say and how it is interpreted totally different things. And so I feel like sometimes we say things that we think that shouldn't have hurt their feelings or they shouldn't be upset about that, right, but the way they interpreted it was not the way we meant it. That happens so often, right, and that can be a major issue between parents and teenagers in communication.

Speaker 2: 25:16

Absolutely. You always want to think about how is this going to land with my teenage children, right? Are they going to interpret it as, like, I am slacking them or I'm giving them a hard time, or they're going to think I'm actually being a very empowering, encouraged mom and parent just now. Yeah, so definitely think about that's really important and, like you say, all these little conflicts and communication or misunderstanding can really like drift you apart with your teenager. Yes, yeah, absolutely, because one thing I encourage the parents to do is this phase. The most important task of being a parent is to make sure you stay connected with your teenager's thinking and feelings, and you will not go wrong from here, right? So it's think about how do you do that.

Speaker 1: 26:01

I think that's great advice. So what else beside you? We've talked about being inquisitive, right, being curious, giving them space to speak when they're ready, but making sure that they always know that we're there for them. Trust is so important. What other tips and tricks do you have for us in your tool bag that we can use to make sure that we are continuing to build those strong relationships?

Speaker 2: 26:26

continuing to build those strong relationships. Well, I always say, like you know, take your teenagers on the date right, because you think you're present, you're 24-7 available. That means you're emotionally bonding with your children. It's not, we know. And if my husband is around 24-7 without doing anything with me or cook for me or do nice thing for me, I wouldn't think we're bonding. It's the same with your teenage children. They know you love them but at the same time you also need to make them feel special and they have regular time with you, right. So I always encourage the parents to set a regular date with your teenager on a weekly basis or every fortnight, to know this is our special time together. So your teenagers knowing actually you know what every Friday night is my mom and our film night or our special time, and that's really important because that's you know, it's like you when you go on dating someone. Those times are really special and you want to treat this as those special dates with your teenager because they're growing up fast. Very soon they will leave in home, they'll be leaving home and then they will have their own girlfriend, a boyfriend, and then you'll be like oh you know. So we treasure this this time. And the other thing yeah, and I, so that will be encouraged parents to do that to strengthen their relationship.

Speaker 2: 27:33

And then the other thing is I think we need to give our teenager, the, the language and the opportunity to speak up their mind and to speak and communicate what they're thinking, because I think sometimes they don't always have the language and capacity to tell you actually I don't like what is happening right now or I don't appreciate you know how you were teaching me this when I'm actually feeling like this.

Speaker 2: 28:02

And they need the permission from the parents to do that. You know, and we want to invite them. You know what? If you feel like this is difficult, need the permission from the parents to do that, you know, and we want to invite them. You know what? If you feel like this is difficult to talk about, you can tell me and maybe you can say something like mom, can we post this? This is really hard to listen to, but we can come back to this. So I think we need to give our children permission to be able, and the language to be able, to come back to feedback to us, what they experienced and what they need from us, which is really important too.

Speaker 1: 28:27

Yeah, you know that I had not. I've thought about this in some ways before, but what you just said made me think. Like, as a business owner, I ask for feedback from my employees at least once a year on how I can make things better for them, right? But I would have never thought to do that with my own kids. And even if it's feedback that's hard to hear, right, that's probably the most important feedback, right?

Speaker 2: 28:52

Yeah, and one thing I ask parents all the time is because I speak to the parents, right, and I will always ask them to imagine a mentalizing is that if your teenage children were here with us, what would they say about their relationship with you? Right? Which is a very powerful question to ask, because you start to think, oh my God, what would they say about my relationship with them? Is it good or is it different? Is it going to be the same, as I think that's always a good question to ask yourself the boundaries you put in place. If I ask your children right now, why do you think your mom put boundaries in place for you, what would they say? Right, there's really important because you're doing something, but doesn't mean your teenager understand why you're doing something yeah, so bear that in mind to ask yourself question.

Speaker 2: 29:39

If I ask my teenagers what my core values, our family values, are, what would they say? Do they know so? These are good questions to ask yourself as a parent.

Speaker 1: 29:53

I suppose, yeah, absolutely so much of it really comes down to like you said. You started with saying their behavior is communication and it is communicating back to us whatever we have put out there. Right? That just is the way it is. It is not, oh, my goodness, my kid's just so hard to deal with. Well, maybe I'm hard to deal with, right? We need to really look internally to see how we're causing or what the effect is that we're having on them.

Speaker 2: 30:24

Yeah, because it's relational right. It's not one way, it's a relationship. So relationship it's two people, so there's always two people's behavior, feelings and thoughts involved.

Speaker 1: 30:36

You know, and I think we forget actually teenagers are people too, but they just happen to be our children right, absolutely, and I think what you're saying makes sense in all relationships, right, between married partners or spouses or anything you know anything like that. But we, you said our, our teenagers, are people too. They just happen to be our children, that is. That is a really profound, I mean, it really is. We makes you look at it differently. So I think that's great, and one. I wanted to go back really quick to one thing you mentioned earlier about the date. I love that idea and wanted to clarify does it matter? Is it like a? Does it? Does one-on-one time need to be instilled or can it be a date with the siblings, or can mom and dad both be there? Does it make a difference if we're doing one-on-one time versus the others?

Speaker 2: 31:22

Okay, let me ask you this question If you're going on a date with your partner, does it matter your mom tags along or does it matter your child tag along? Oh, does it matter your child tack along? Oh, does it matter your friends tack along, yeah it does right.

Speaker 1: 31:34

It's a very different experience.

Speaker 2: 31:35

Yeah, it's a very different experience and the dynamics change. So it's no longer about you and your teenager anymore. It's about the other two people, the other three people, the five people together, right? So I will always encourage that, one to one time, and we're not talking about five hours marathon time together.

Speaker 2: 31:52

We're talking about, you know, 30 minutes baking together or 10 minutes doing things. You know you can start small, because what we want to do is start small and then built on it. Right, because you don't want to start with the three hours like, oh, let's spend three hours together and then you can do two hours in one hour, right, so you want to start small. But what is helpful is to let your teenage to know every Thursday night is our night together, and then what happened? If you can't do it, tell your teenagers you know what. So that's the night. Oh, something came up. But let's do it on Friday instead. So you will know, your teenager will know actually mommy or dad actually values his time together.

Speaker 2: 32:28

Yeah, dad actually values his time together. Yeah, so we're still going to do it right there. He hasn't forgot about me, or he hasn't forgot about our time together, and what I encourage the parents to do very often is come up with a activity menu, right, so you don't have to think about what we're doing today. You can just write down things. You know all the things you want to do, like baking, going to cinema or go for ice creams or skateboarding, you know, know all these things, and then you can just pick one from the menu every week. So that thing is really easy.

Speaker 1: 32:56

That's a great idea and I love that you suggested like baking or things like that. It doesn't even have to, because oftentimes when I think of a date, I think of getting ready, going somewhere, spending money and all of that, you know, and so even just a few minutes of really focused one-on-one time, that's what's important, right? Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 33:12

Or go for a walk together. Walk the dog, go for, you know, in the park, you know let's just go out to get some fish. It's our time together. You know, when you're dating someone, anything you do is exciting. That's right.

Speaker 1: 33:44

You know, it doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be like Lash, you know, in a very expensive restaurant. These things be curious, be patient, give them opportunities to speak when they're ready, make time for them. That they know is important to us too. These things should, we should see improvements in our relationship if we're struggling with those relationships.

Speaker 2: 34:04

Absolutely. You know you want to continue and remember. Consistency is the key right, and I've seen a lot of parents. I've tried that it don't work. But how consistent you are, you know it's really important. You don't want to do like let's spend time together and then the next week does it and oh, I think about it three weeks later do it again, because then there's no consistency, there's no predictability for your teenage children. They'll be like you know what. It's just another thing she's trying. She's not going to stick with it oh yeah right and we don't want that.

Speaker 2: 34:31

No, who wants to feel like that, you know yeah, and I think sometimes we forget about our children. This is their lived and living experience. Right, that's really important to remember is their living experience. So every moment, everything you say counts and matter to them. One day, when they're 35 years old, they'll be telling their teenage years story to their friends Say I remember my mom, I remember my dad, that's true, and we can shape hopefully shape those experiences somewhat so that they'll be sharing favorable stories.

Speaker 2: 35:06

Children are so influential. They often forget about this. They think they just want to spend time with their pals and peers, and that is not true. Right, it's there within the development they want to spend time, the social development, that's right. But they always want their mom and dad to be there for them right, for some, somebody who to guide and support. They will always come to you and that's important. Let's not forget about that.

Speaker 1: 35:31

So parents are very influential, you know yeah, even when we're adults, right, we still you know like I mean you you still want mom at some point you know you're so, like I'm nearly 50 years old, I still know exactly.

Speaker 1: 35:48

Oh well, I think I think this was a really valuable conversation and you offer more coaching, more tutoring, working with families, work into especially with parents of teenagers, right? So tell us a little bit more about what you offer. If somebody is like, okay, I like these things, I think I need still a little bit more help and they'd like to connect with you, tell us a little bit more about your programs.

Speaker 2: 36:10

Okay, so my program actually mainly, essentially, is called restoring. What's that? I forgot my program's name.

Speaker 2: 36:16

Sorry, it's called Family Breakthrough 90 Days Restoring Harmony in 90 Days. And because I work with parents and with teenagers that you know, really disconnected, with a lot of attention, a lot of conflicts, and they've tried everything. Nothing works. So parents come to me and I'll always make it work in 90 days, that is, and using my method that I designed through my 30 years of experience working with vulnerable children, teenagers and families. However, what I'm offering the family right now is a family breakthrough audit. What parents what essentially does is parents will, but they will purchase the family breakthrough audit and they complete a questionnaire called your unique family blueprints.

Speaker 2: 36:59

And this is my thinking and thought it's so important is that's why generic strategies don't work for families, because your family makeup is very different. There's a story to your family. So, elizabeth, you have your own story, your partner have their own stories and then when the two people coming together, it's a very different dynamic. So we need to know about your family blueprint to be able to give tailor-made strategies to make it last, actually impactful and sustainable. And if you were a parent experiencing, you know, experienced domestic violence in the past a good example if you experienced domestic violence in the past and if the people who are supporting you doesn't know this part. When you have a teenager who's aggressive towards you, you're more likely to be triggered. You're going to either freeze or feeling very scared. All of these things and if you doing this, you can't give the parents just say you know what when your teenager's being aggressive, do X, y, z and that's the strategy can be very counterproductive and can be very unhelpful, and I've seen a lot of parents for the past 12 years in this place, you know.

Speaker 2: 38:03

So. That's why I designed this unique blueprints for families to look at their family makeup, understand their families, their family makeup, understand their families and help the person who helped them myself to better understand their family blueprint. So what they do is they complete a questionnaire and then they came. I will send them a video about being really laser focused as to what you know you need to focus on right now to be able to break through and have positive change in the family home, and I will offer them strategies and also some of the you know, continuous roadmap for them to focus on, so there's a clear path for them to go. Oh, if I do, it's like you're losing weight, right? I want to lose 10 pounds. So I start with this, then I do the next and the third, and that's what I'm doing for the parameters. Now, that's what I'm offering a small experience of my 90 days program.

Speaker 1: 38:49

I love it and you know. I think that, like you were just saying, if you're trying to lose weight or you're trying to improve some kind of skill that you use for work, or whatever, we're like ready to invest our time and our resources in becoming better at a lot of things, but why would we not put parenting in there? Right, like that's the one, that's our most important job, right? So parenting in there, right like that's the one that's our most important job, right?

Speaker 2: 39:13

so why would we not invest in that so exactly? And it's your family you're raising your legacy, your children, who also going to become, might become parents one day, and how they parent their children will be from you, right. So it's really important. I don't think and I definitely want to encourage parents if you're struggling, definitely go seek help. You know I'm saying like professional help. Okay, there's different help. Of course, you can go to your friends and run to go to your family members if you need practical support, but you really want like helpful strategies thinking about your co-parenting challenges or your teenagers out of character behavior or certain thing, you definitely need to seek professional help because otherwise you get things worse for you.

Speaker 2: 39:51

Dr Google is very helpful for general advice If you want to know child development. There's a lot of things on Dr Google. But, like I say, if you don't know, dr Google doesn't know your family makeup. They don't know how you repair a relationship. They don't know how you communicate. They don't know your beliefs, core values. You know where you're coming from, what's influenced your parenting practice. You know all those things and that's when things get really difficult. So definitely seek out for professional help at the earliest onset possible and you will benefit your family so much more.

Speaker 1: 40:21

Well, this was fantastic. I really enjoyed our conversation. I learned a lot. I'm sure those listening are learning a lot as well, and if you would like to connect with Payee, if you would like to check out this blueprint that she has, we will include the links for everything and her social media accounts and all of that in the show notes, so it's easy just to scroll down, click on that and you'll be able to connect with her and learn more about what she offers and the difference that she's making in families. So, payee, again, so thankful for you. Thanks for being here today and having this conversation. It was really awesome, thank you for having me, Elizabeth.

Speaker 1: 40:50

I told you, I like talking. That's what podcasts are about, right, so it's perfect. I was on the.

Speaker 2: 40:58

UK News last month, uk National TV and last April, and I got 10 minutes of your time. I was like I wish I had an hour to me I was gonna say even 10 minutes, that's huge.

Speaker 1: 41:12

My background's in journalism, broadcast journalism. 10 minutes, that's a long time in airtime. Well, thank you for being here.