Speaker 1: 0:35

Welcome back to Speak Out. Stand Out. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is a return guest. Keri Conrad is here again. If this is your first time meeting Keri, she is an expert in prevention, protection and defense for women and children. She's a black belt, a weapons and self-defense instructor, a certified bodyguard and a licensed private investigator in Michigan, which is so impressive to me. But, most importantly, she's a civilian and a mother and she dedicates her efforts to making the world safer by empowering us moms with where and how we have the power and control in protecting our children and raising kids to be safe in today's world, because that is a doozy of a thing.

Speaker 1: 1:14

So, Keri, we are so excited to have you back. Thanks for being here. I'm so glad to be here. Thanks for having me back again. So when we talk about keeping our kids safe in today's world, obviously there's so many things that we could talk about, right, so many threats and dangers and all of that. But I think what we want to talk about is not the specifics of those threats, but just in general, how we can protect our kids so that we're raising them, we know that they're making smart decisions, they're as safe as we can make them and reduce our anxiety a little bit as moms, as we worry about our kids.

Speaker 1: 1:53

So you have what you call a secret sauce, right? A secret sauce for keeping safe kids. So tell me, what is that? What does?

Speaker 2: 1:56

that mean Well, it's right up your alley, it's communication.

Speaker 1: 1:59

I love it. I mean that's. You know that's what we're all about. So what do you mean by communication? Because I can tell my kids you know, be careful, don't talk to strangers, don't do this, don't do that Doesn't mean they're going to listen, necessarily. You know they're kids. They're still going to be tempted to do things and you know I said what does that mean? How does, how does communication keep our kids safe?

Speaker 2: 2:20

Well, so you know, like side note, there are many different forms of communication. Words are just hardly any of it right. Words are so little. Now, don't get me wrong. It's important. We want to have those conversations with our kids but, like you said, there's like talking at them and um, I, I forget you told me so for your listeners.

Speaker 1: 2:46

What is the age group that we're looking at? Most of our audience is moms and kids like ages eight to 12, but obviously some have younger, some have older kids, but really we're looking at that tween stage, when they're really starting to get out into the world a little bit more, yeah, eight to 12.

Speaker 2: 2:58

And that's when they're great listeners, right.

Speaker 1: 3:01

Exactly, it depends on the kid, depends on the kid, that's for sure.

Speaker 2: 3:05

Even with the best kid, they're still eight to 12. Okay, so, like number one, like we need to be realistic with where we're at. If you want to have open communication with your child, you really need to think about, like, what does that look like for this age group? Because if you want to have that conversation like you do with your three and four year old, where they hang on your every word and they just want to know where you're in, but they just admire you and they just want there you, you know everything and they want to hear it, If that's what you're expecting from your eight to 12 year old, you are off on the wrong foot. It's the wrong foot. So talking is not necessarily the best communication for having open communication with an age of 12 year old. It's really about listening and the question is is how much does your eight to 12 year old?

Speaker 1: 3:56

talk that, and that totally varies between kids, you know, and I mean you have some that are going to tell you every single detail about their Minecraft game in immense detail, and then you have the others, and I have kids on both ends of this, the other one that it's just you know what have you been doing? Nothing, you know. So, yeah, so it's so different. So how do we manage that when some of us some of them want to tell us every minute detail of their life and others don't? That's actually.

Speaker 2: 4:25

So if you have the, if you have a child who just tells you everything, just be grateful, Like, like, really Like I, so I understand that. It's like like I got. You know what I mean. Like you know there's things we could be doing, you know, Um, but just think about how you respond. How do you respond to them? Do you encourage them to talk to you or do you shut them down? Me, personally, I I don't know if you're surprised, I might shut them down a little bit because we just have things to do, but if your priority is to keep your kids safe, you might want to consider how you're responding to them. Are you encouraging them to talk to you? Because if we can't handle the small stuff, how are they going to trust us with the big stuff?

Speaker 1: 5:19

Right, we hear that and it's easy to hear that and be like, oh yeah, but then to get in the day to day and be like, okay, I'm trying to focus on cooking dinner or whatever, and we do tend to just kind of half listen, right, but if you really stop and think about that, you can totally understand how that makes them feel. And, like you said, if they can't tell us about their Minecraft game without us caring about it, then why would they tell us that they're being bullied at school or something like that and expect us to care?

Speaker 2: 5:48

Well, Minecraft, since it's an example you keep bringing up. Like if you have a child who wants to tell you everything about Minecraft, I would ask your kid to show you Because, again, communication is so much more than just our words Like your child might be trying to tell you something your child might be. I mean, Minecraft is one of the big ones. That is a great way to get access to children. That's where to find kids. Where do you find kids On Minecraft? Who knows that? Everybody, Even people we don't want they're on Minecraft.

Speaker 2: 6:21

So if your kid wants to tell you about Minecraft especially, you're talking about something that's potentially and I want to say like Minecraft itself is not dangerous. The people there are people, there are dangers on Minecraft. Does that mean your kid shouldn't play Minecraft? That's none of my business, that's yours. You know, I don't tell, I don't tell parents you need to do this and you have to do this, and you can't do this and don't do that and you shouldn't, I don't should.

Speaker 2: 6:45

On parents, we are individuals, we have our own parenting styles. Our families have our own values. Our kids have different personalities. It's never a one size fits all solution, but I want to say that if your child is telling you about Minecraft, put it. I mean, if you make a gratitude list, put that on there and listen. Listen to what they're saying and look beyond what they're saying. Ask them about their relationships with the people on Minecraft or what kind of content they're seeing on Minecraft. It's a perfect example of a great opportunity to listen to our kids. You want open communication with your kids. It's not about talking.

Speaker 1: 7:25

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:26

It's about listening. That's so true and it's it's so opposite of our intuition. You know, we, we just. You know I'm a talker, so I have to stop myself, you know, and stop and say, okay, I've gone too far, I've lost them, you know, I need to focus on what they have to say. So, well, you're saying, okay, this is a very specific question because this just came up in our house.

Speaker 1: 7:48

He's just a very unique child and rule follower to a T and he has a VR headset and he's allowed to play with some of his friends from school and things like that, and come to find out he's actually been playing with other people, which was against the rules that we stated a long time ago and just kind of seemed to happen over time. And I know he didn't deliberately disobey us, but he did, and so I have wondered how do you deal with a situation like that? Because he told me he was talking to somebody that he didn't know and I didn't have to find out. He told me. And so when they tell you something and you're like, oh no, how do you react in situations like that? To be like this is not okay, but without them being like, whoop, okay, I'm not going to let something like that slip again around, mom.

Speaker 2: 8:52

Well, exactly, just like you said, it's like are we a safe person to talk to? What do you do? What do you do with that information? Because, if you get angry, well, like you know, like you said, like I'm going to tell her that again, that's the solution. That's, that is the solution for an eight to 12 year old. I don't want to do that again. I'm not telling her next time. So it's like, and it's, it's like, it's a lot. Being a parent is something else and it's just not fair that I'm always supposed to be the grownup. Like, why do I have to be the bigger person every time? You know what I mean. Like why do I have to? Like this is this is the tall order You're telling me, you want me to listen to my child sharing potentially danger, dangerous information.

Speaker 2: 9:39

They right Like that's just not fair. It's just what it is. If life were only about fair, it's just not. It's about like what are your priorities? Do you want your child to talk to you? Because, if so, I suggest working on it. Am I a rock star? I mean, I feel like I do well. Do I shine at all times in all areas? No, I'm sure if you ask my daughter she'd be like, oh my gosh, because guess what? She's 12. No, she's in that sweet spot of just. They just are, they just are Parenting that age group, it just takes more skills. It takes more skills. And who's responsible to develop those skills? I am, and it's like I have to develop these skills so that and here's another part of communication I have to develop these skills so that and here's another part of communication I have to develop these skills so I can model these skills to my children. Because guess what Monkey see, monkey do right.

Speaker 2: 10:38

Right, you know you want to make an impression on your child behave differently. That is communication. I can communicate that things aren't okay by changing the way that I respond to it. Like there's just some, there's some, there are some responses that meet needs of our children, that there's other way to meet those needs. You know it could be like the need for attention. Right, Everybody needs attention. Your child needs attention.

Speaker 2: 11:06

Ps, If you're not giving your child that attention, someone will, and we don't know what their motives are Like. That is a basic need. It's a basic need. You want your child, children to be safe. Give them attention, Listen to them. If you're not listening to your child, there's an adult out there that will, and you better hope it's their teacher that loves them. You know what I mean. They're going to get their need met and if we're not meeting them, then that's. You know who's that stranger on Minecraft? Are they a good listener? Because if they have motives, I guarantee you they are. There are people who have mastered these skills that we're talking about, and if we don't get good at them, they're just going to go. They're going to go to the people who are better at listening and offering support and being available.

Speaker 1: 11:51

Well, and I, as serious as this conversation is, I love that you say that, because that seems like such a simple thing. You know, like it says just just listen, just give them attention. It seems like such a simple thing. So when we're talking about and I do want to dig a little bit more into these dangers, like since we've been talking about video games and stranger danger and things like that Do you have suggestions on how do we convey to our kids that this is a serious situation without having to be graphic with them about, you know, things that happen to children when they end up in these situations. How do we scare them without traumatizing them? And do we scare them? What's the solution here?

Speaker 2: 12:34

Well, you know and this is another one of those things You're talking about something that's incredibly controversial. I can tell you what I do with my family, I can tell you the pros and cons of the different directions, but parents are going to do what they're going to do, and when I have a parent who is hell bent on scaring their child into compliance, you know what I mean, like I, it's, it's touchy, it is so pretty much most everything that I do is just so touchy. Because people are scared, they're afraid, they're afraid to over, be overprotective, they're afraid to give too much freedom. They're you know, they're afraid to give too much freedom. They're you know, they're afraid to give too much information, they're afraid not to give enough information and, um, you know, scaring your child into compliance.

Speaker 2: 13:18

That just creates it, it creates sneaking and it creates another thing too is like we tell our kids these things about the world and we make them very black and white matter of fact, and then the kids eight to 12, go out into the world to collect life experience, which they are factoring into their thinking, which they can think for themselves. They're going to come up with their own deductions, but they're taking the information we give them. They're going out into the world and gathering data and what they find is strangers aren't dangerous. Mom lied.

Speaker 1: 13:56

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:57

What they find is I go online and play Minecraft with strangers. All the time no one's abducted me. Mom's mom is overreactive. So, like, do you want and that's the thing we're talking about communication and open communication? Are you giving your kids good information? Because if you're telling them strangers are dangerous, you're not, and I do want to say, like, if you're teaching your child strangers are dangerous, it's not your fault.

Speaker 2: 14:20

There's terrible information out there, which is why I do what I do. There are many times in my life I have all these children. There's things that I enjoy doing and I have thought about not working a few times in my career doing this and I just can't. I can't because there's so much terrible information out there and people don't know it and it's just not fair. It's not fair. Everybody tells you you're supposed to teach stranger danger. You go to all the experts and they're telling you to teach it, but and teaching self-defense to moms and kids for over 15 years, like I found out like because of the fact that we expect strangers to be dangerous, we have issues because, they're not.

Speaker 2: 15:04

We tell our kids they're dangerous. And then we go to the grocery store and we're talking to strangers and they're like you didn't get abducted, they didn't try to steal your purse, no-transcript, old, like they're coming up with a narrative. And what? How are we playing into that narrative? Are we the good guy or are we the bad guy? Don't get me wrong. Sometimes you gotta be the bad guy, you really do. But it's very important to minimize how often I'm the bad guy. You know, I want to. It's like. It's like, um, I'm not the problem. The dangers on the internet are the problem and I want my kids to to put the blame where it's due. You know you should be angry. It is terrible. This is not fair. This is horrible, you know, and it's not. Oh, my mom's a drag, I don't. You know what I mean, don't get me wrong. Sometimes, sometimes you gotta be a drag, it's just, it's parenting Right. But you know, like I said, if I'm the one controlling everything, then I'm the bad guy.

Speaker 1: 16:20

So what do you? You say that stranger danger is not the approach. What is the approach?

Speaker 2: 16:27

How much time? Because it's. You know, we've talked about communication, we've talked about modeling, behavior, and I know that, like you asked me if I had a freebie that I wanted to include, and what you're talking about is like a rabbit hole in a journey and one of the things that are on there is stranger danger. So you know, there's mistakes that most, every well-meaning mom makes that puts their kids more at risk of harm, and that's on there. So, like I said, there's a rabbit hole. There's a rabbit hole and I, because of the fact that I want every mom to know, I want every mom to know, I have freebie after freebie of just like the bare minimum for information that every mom deserves to know so that she could just look at this information. Go, that makes sense, that makes sense. That makes sense because it's just, it's all. Like you said in the beginning, everything is very simple, it all makes sense.

Speaker 2: 17:31

We just didn't know to look at it that way. Nobody, nobody, nobody taught us. Nobody. Like what we were taught is against everything that turns out. You know it turns out the way. Like I said, how do I know this? From teaching self-defense and finding out when and how and in what circumstances, people were victimized. How did we get victimized? How were we victimized? Well, we thought danger looked like this, but actually danger looks like this. So, if you're worried, you're looking for danger over here, when it's right here, but we don't see it. Because we're looking over here, we're looking for the stranger, we're looking for the man with the hoodie.

Speaker 1: 18:25

You know we're looking for somebody who can meet our needs for attention and it's like, like you know, crazy where the vast number of assaults and especially when we're talking about kids and teens somebody, you know it's not the stranger.

Speaker 2: 18:38

Yep, and that's that's been the focus of my business for the last 15 years. And you know, I teach physical, hands-on self-defense training, and everything that we teach is appropriate to use on your boss, your coach, your teacher, you know like because, guess what, as women and children, that's who we're going to need to defend ourselves to. It doesn't mean that strangers can't be dangerous. It doesn't mean that it doesn't happen because it does. Yeah, but you're looking at like how much does this happen and how much does this happen?

Speaker 1: 19:05

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:06

You know what I mean, so everybody's all prepared for for this.

Speaker 1: 19:15

So what about all of this? That's tough and that and that's it's hard to think about as a parent, because we do our best to protect our kids from the strangers you know. And then, um, we, you know, feel safe when they're with people that we know. And I hate to even go like my heart starts beating fast as we even start talking about something like that, but it is real and it is something that we need to recognize. And so you're saying the best way that we can protect our kids from people that we believe we can trust is by keeping those lines of communication open with our kids.

Speaker 2: 19:44

Yes, and then also, do you trust your instincts? Because most women don't. We are conditioned not to. We're conditioned to not be so dramatic, don't make people feel bad, don't make waves. And again, like I just want to say, like it's not your fault, it's not your fault, we have literally been programmed and reprogrammed, and programmed and reprogrammed to not trust ourselves. It is in every ad, it's in every everything, it is everywhere, it's all over our society. So, like you know, like we said, being an example to your kids, do you trust yourself?

Speaker 1: 20:23

Yeah, there's a content creator I follow online and one thing she says a lot is there's a content creator I follow online and one thing she says a lot is it's better to be rude than dead. And that is, and she one day she was talking about an uncomfortable situation at a gas station and how she just had to tell herself it's better to be rude than dead. And that's so hard to do because we, like you said, we don't want to come across as rude or overreactive or hurt somebody's feelings, but if your instinct is telling you something, I mean, why else would we have an instinct?

Speaker 1: 20:52

You know what I mean. It's for self-preservation, right. So listening to it is so key. But you're right. What if?

Speaker 2: 21:00

what if? What if you did enough preparation where you don't have to even be rude? What if you can choose through different options? You're saying rude or dead. Those options suck.

Speaker 2: 21:13

I mean, I don't want to you know what I mean what, if like and that's again that's why I do what I do you can have it all. You can be kind, you can be considerate, like, setting firm boundaries is not rude. So, like one, we need to look at what. What is considered rude? You know what I mean. Like that's a word that needs to be dissected and what does that mean to you? What is that? You know I mean, and if you have an eight to 12 year old, you are confronted with rude all the time. Just be, you know, like that's that's rude. Saying no, thank you is not rude. You know what I mean and it's just so, like one, like our, our, our mental framing around that.

Speaker 2: 21:53

But I really, I really appreciate this because over the years that I've been doing this, especially in like the last five, I've tried several times to create a community of moms. You know, fingers crossed, hopefully, this is it. I'm testing a new platform with people in it right now, and like, this conversation is exactly why I want that, exactly why I work so hard on it, exactly why, like, I want it so badly to be available is just a space where moms can go, because I'm like, I'm sure that content creator has great stuff. I'm sure it's very helpful, but I don't like, why do you have to choose? You know, like um I have, I have something we call it turning conflict into connection. Why can't? Why can't you have connection? Why can't you have? Like, why can't you have your cake and eat it too? You know what I mean. Like why can't you be safe and um, get your degree? You know what I mean. Like why can't you be safe? And like why can't you handle things with tact and diplomacy and like, avoid a terrible unsafe situation? Like we can do this with grace and dignity. It just takes effort.

Speaker 2: 23:07

Like I said, it's those skills. It's like, oh my gosh, you know. Like you don't have to. It's like, oh my gosh, you know. Like you don't have to. It's not, you're not required, but you can. You can invest enough in it so that you have that calm, that peace and that, and you can see something exactly for what it is. You can see exactly what it is and then say no, thank you and walk away from it. And you don't have to be rude. Yeah, it's okay If you are. I support women who want to be rude.

Speaker 1: 23:40

Well, I think it's. It's very hard to be, but um, I and in that one scenario, um, what she was referencing was she was at a gas station at night and somebody was would not leave her alone and she finally had to just be like, stop, get away from me. And she had to take a stance of being forceful instead of being like oh, I'm good, thanks, no, I don't need a boyfriend, kind of thing. But in most scenarios you're right, that's not the way we would have to approach it. But we need to know that it's okay if we do, and I know that's what you teach a lot with being able to handle yourself with your body and being able to protect yourself with your body.

Speaker 2: 24:19

The progression matters, because the progression really matters. So what you're talking about is it doesn't feel good to go from complacency and compliance to assertive. Yes, from complacency and compliance to assertive yes, there's a progressive plan that you can have in there, and that is why it's not rude. It's necessary. You know what I mean. Yeah, to go from sweet and sunshine to having a bite that can feel rude. Yes, yeah, aggression doesn't feel rude, gotcha.

Speaker 1: 24:53

That makes sense. Well, one last thing I want to cover before we run out of time. This is a biggie for a lot of parents, especially as we get our kids start to get out of that tween and into the teen years and they really stop talking as much as they used to. What do we do if our kids aren't talking to us and we feel like I don't know that they would come to tell me something? I mean, this is something we want to think about, since they're, as they're young, right Making sure that they feel safe talking to us about anything. But let's say, somebody is listening and they're like you know what? I maybe handled things wrong in the past. My kid's 14. Now I don't know that she would come and talk to me if something was going on or she was in an uncomfortable situation. How do we turn that around? What do we do if they're not talking to us?

Speaker 2: 25:38

Well, to open that line of communication. And again, this is specifically for the age group that we're talking about. If you start talking to your child and you're wrong, they will correct you. They can't help it. They cannot help it. I'm telling you. It's just. And the thing is is like people think these solutions have to be so something and it's like no, just be what your kid needs and what do they need? They need a parent to make an incorrect, wrong statement so that they can step in and correct them, and then that opens. You're opening the door. They're going to talk to you. They're going to talk to you. You know, I mean, and I can't say it's a hundred percent, but it's pretty, it's pretty good.

Speaker 1: 26:23

That's funny. I would never ever have thought that so, but that makes perfect sense. So we'll give me an example, like does it need to be something like serious, or does it need to be something silly or like oh, um, I mean, it depends on, like, the personality of your child.

Speaker 2: 26:39

But here let me think Okay, so you get your Minecraft kid, um, and say that they're not talking to you. I mean, I would just make up some incorrect fact. You know, the thing is is like you don't even have to be talking directly to them. You can just make sure that you're an earshot and having a conversation with someone else. If you want your kid to talk to you about minecraft, well then, just start telling people incorrect facts about minecraft. You know what I mean like because it's their passion and it's their interest, and they are not like. How could you be wrong like that's? You know what I mean Like because it's their passion and it's their interest, and they are not like. How could you be wrong Like that's? You know what I mean, right, right, this stuff doesn't have to be so serious.

Speaker 1: 27:24

But you're saying, by having those silly, non-serious conversations, that's opening the path for the more serious ones serious conversations.

Speaker 2: 27:32

That's opening the path for the more serious ones. Yes, but they don't have to know. They don't have to know. You can be serious and give an incorrect fact and I'm playing dumb and inviting your child to teach you something because they know everything. Let them teach you. You know what I mean. Ask questions, be the student, tell them you don't understand, even if you do. Even if you do and the reality is is when we give our kids the space to, to, to talk to us, to teach us, we get to hear their perspective and, by the way, they're eight to 12. Their perspective is messed up.

Speaker 1: 28:04

Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 28:06

Yeah, or either we find out their perspective is really messed up they're way off the mark or we find out that we can give our kids more credit than we give them.

Speaker 1: 28:15

Yeah, you know, one of the things that we do is we teach debate classes, and primarily kids eight to 12, and we debate real world topics. And a lot of times parents will come to us and they're like I'm interested in rolling my kid, but I don't know that this seems like a little advanced for them and I always say just try it, just try it, you might be surprised. They have real and valid opinions about things that are going on in the world around them that most adults don't ask them about, and so I always say with our classes it's not like we're doing anything spectacular, we're just giving them the opportunity to be listened to about things that they're not usually taken seriously about, and so you're absolutely right Just giving them that platform to tell you their thoughts, and sometimes they're yeah, they can be mind blowing in the things that they think and sometimes, like you said, they're so off the mark. My youngest son signed up for a football team which was really surprising out of his character, and then, as it got closer and closer for the first day of camp, he started coming up with excuses why he couldn't do it. Tarrant comes to find out he thought the very first day was going to be a game and he didn't know how to play football. So he was so worried about going and playing this game, which wasn't the case at all, but somewhere along the line that's what he had picked up, and so all we saw was he doesn't want to do this anymore. How do we convince him that he needs to try it out? And once we finally got him to open up about it, it was like, oh, that makes sense. And once he understood, oh, it's not a game, it's practice. Then he was fine going, and it just to me.

Speaker 1: 29:44

It was one of those moments. It's like we don't know what's going on in their head. We can't assume because, like you said, it is. We tell them black and white and there's so much, so much else, so much gray out there that we just have to listen. Yeah Well, carrie, this has been a really good conversation and you have a lot more information for parents, and I think you know, as parents, this is probably the most serious thing that we think about when it comes to raising our kids.

Speaker 1: 30:11

The number one priority is to keep them safe. Right, we want to raise kind people with good morals, that do good in the world, that are kind to people, but, most importantly, we want to keep them safe, and so what you're doing is so important and so valuable, especially when their worlds are so much bigger than ours were when we were this age. Their worlds are so much bigger than ours were when we were this age. So you have a freebie that we talked about of the the common mistakes well-meaning moms make, and so we'll make sure we link to that in the show notes. So if you're listening to this through your podcast app, just scroll to the show notes it'll be right there. Or if you're watching this on social, the link will be right there for you. Be sure to go check that out. And then Carrie has that, plus a lot of other resources. Is there anything else that you want to let our audience know before we wrap up today?

Speaker 2: 30:57

No, I just like we have. We just really want to believe that our kids are safe, and so we create these. We just it's. It's like it's just a barrier. It's a barrier to information, and that information just shatters those, so that we can actually get good information. Like I said, the information on being safe and protecting our kids is so terrible, it's so disheartening and it's incredibly upsetting and stranger. Danger is just the tip that doesn't even touch it, and so just it's amazing. Just a little bit of the right information. We can do great things with that, and so I just want to encourage moms like to. It's free. No, I did it on purpose. It's free because I want everybody to know it and I want you to share it with everybody, because every we can make the world a better place. Yeah, if anybody can do it, it's moms. We have the motivation. You know what I mean. We can do it.

Speaker 1: 31:54

Absolutely Well, carrie. Thanks so much for taking your time for being here Again. If you missed the first episode with Carrie, we had a different conversation and we'll link to that too in the show notes, that way if you want to learn a little bit more again. We appreciate your time. Thank you for all you do.

Speaker 2: 32:07

Thank you for having me.