SPEAKER_00: 0:38

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Richard Ramos. Richard is an author and a founder of Parents on Emissionen and Youth on a Missionen, a leadership development program to improve the quality of the parent and child relationship. Richard, we're super excited to have you here. Thanks for being here today.

SPEAKER_01: 0:56

Thank you for having me. I appreciate it, Elizabeth.

SPEAKER_00: 0:59

So let's just start with a little bit about you and how you got to this point in life where restoring and improving relationships between parents and children is your thing. How did you get there?

SPEAKER_01: 1:10

Yeah, sure. Well, I grew up in Northeast Los Angeles. I live in Santa Barbara now. But uh being from that background uh in Northeast LA, there's a lot of gangs, a lot of violence, a lot of drugs, all those ugly things that, you know, no parent wants their kids involved in. And because of my background, I I I was raised by a single mother. I'm the youngest of five children. But I think because of my background, alcoholic father and uh domestic violence and things like that. I think that's kind of what stuck with me throughout the years, and I never forgot where I came from, and I uh whatever reason at heart to give kids a chance and um work with them so that they could um flourish and prosper and all those things. And that's what I was trying to do. I became an at-risk counselor at a junior high school, a youth mentor until I visited their home. And when I visited their home, now I have 50 of the worst kids in the school on my case book. My job was to encourage them, help them, work with them, they were dropping out of school, someone in gangs, and those all those kind of things. But when I went to their home and I saw the dysfunction, the lack of communication, the no control, no respect, I realized then I was fighting a losing battle because everything I was trying to do at school was being torn down at home. And I decided then that I would put youth mentoring on the shelf, which I have been doing for years, and give a shot at parent mentoring. And that's how Parents on the Mission got started, and I've been doing that for quite a number of years, and we've had some very um very fruitful results.

SPEAKER_00: 2:57

That's amazing. My husband is a high school teacher, and um he has worked in some uh areas with you know rougher schools, right? And that's what he would feel so frustrated about sometimes saying, I'm working so hard to need a football coach too. So, like for this specific group of guys working really hard to keep them on the right path. But I have them for a fraction of the day. And then they go home and it's the exact opposite of what we're doing here. So um, what you're doing, I know personally, is very, very much needed. So um, it's amazing that you've devoted your life to this and see the need and have solutions for it. And so I think one of the things that um I might, when I was reading a little bit about you, um, is that you think that we can steer our kids away from negative influences if we give them the right tools at home. Now, as a mom, my kids are 12 and 16. Thankfully, we haven't had any issues. They're both kind of homebodies and you know, like we haven't had um any major concerns. But I also feel like I'm powerless to help him navigate from negative influences when I'm not around. So let's I'd I'd love to dig into this and how we can do that as parents because they are exposed to so much when we're not around. How do we want we want them to make the right choices? How do we get them to know that?

SPEAKER_01: 4:14

Well, that's right. We can't we can't control our kids 24-7. We know that, and we probably trying to control them anyway, is not a good idea. It's really about relationship and building the connection and attachment. And I always encourage parents that attachment starts in the womb, in my opinion. And then when they come out as newborn babies, we continue that. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen a lot, but that's the beginning of it. The thing throughout the years, it's that consistency that we are connecting with them on a real basis, uh being authentic, being accountable. I want to encourage parents, always, you know, we always want our kids to be accountable to us, but we need to be accountable accountable to them as well. And that means being consistent, knowing how to listen, and rather than saying, why are you doing that or stop doing that, or I don't like what you, you know, those kind of things, which I've said myself. Uh by the way, I'm a parent of uh five kids of my own and a blended family of eight children, so um, you know, I've been down the road too. But um ask them questions more uh like why are you into that? Uh, you know, what are you learning online? Why are you so involved with the online? Why is TikTok so important to you? Um how how's your Facebook going? You know, just showing a curiosity, and I think over time you're building a relationship and a connection of trust and giving them psychological safety, meaning that they don't feel like, oh my God, I can't talk to my dad and my mom, they don't get it. You know, rather they know I can talk to my mom and my dad because when I express a different opinion, when I don't agree with them, they just ask me to explain it more. They open up, they listen, and even if we don't agree, we've learned how to disagree in an agreeable manner. And I think when we're able to do that throughout the years, we have a relationship with our children, especially when they become teenagers, that um they love to hang around with us. That's been my experience. And they open up and they talk to us about what they're going through. I don't always have the answers, but I think it's just about listening and showing up.

SPEAKER_00: 6:29

Yeah. I think um what you said hit the nail on the head for something that we do. We like uh, you know, we teach speech and debate. And the reason why I think our classes are so popular and they really kind of exploded on us, um not because we were teaching anything amazing. It was because we were listening. You know, we were giving these kids an opportunity to talk where an adult was listening and valuing what they had to say and reinforcing it or asking questions and things like that. And, you know, as a mom, I see both sides of this because I see that in the classroom. And then I also see what it's like as a busy parent, you know, and your questions are, how was your day? Fine, that's the end of the conversation, you know, because next is like, okay, what's for dinner? I'm gonna start fixing dinner. And so we have to be so intentional to have those conversations. What do I have a couple of questions in this realm? But the first thing is, what do we do if we just have kids that we really can't get to open up? They're just more quiet, like one-word answers, and not that there's any issues between the the parent and the child, but they just they're they just don't want to talk to us about the things of their life necessarily. What do you say to the parent? How do we get them to open up?

SPEAKER_01: 7:39

Yeah, I think, well, you know, it it may not, that may not be the issue, really, to open up. It it depends on what else is happening in their life. Now, if they're doing well in school, they have they're doing well with friends, if they have activities that they like, and they're doing well in those things, then the per there's the personality that they're just more less talkative, and and maybe the opening up isn't really um an issue. And later on, as they grow and mature, you know, they probably will come around to that. But on the other hand, if we see that they are not opening up or talking and combine that with uh lower grades, now they're hanging out with different people, they're isolating themselves in their room, then that that becomes an issue. And if I'm not able to be the person that they want to open up to, then hopefully there's somebody else. And that could be anybody, anywhere from a coach to a counselor to a pastor to a priest, a grandma, uncle, etc., a friend, and hopefully, you know, we can bring somebody else in. You know how it is with kids, sometimes we are not the best person that they want to open up to. I want to go back to what I said, but if we've been consistent and showing that we're okay with you not agreeing with everything I say and believe, I'm okay with that because I want to hear your opinion, want to want to hear what you have to say. I think if we've been consistent in that, eventually um they will trust us enough to share and open up.

SPEAKER_00: 9:10

Yeah. All right, I have another, this is a a personal experience from just recently. And I wanted, I'd love to hear how you think we should handle situations like this. Our kid opens up, but they tell us that they've done something they're not supposed to do. So, my personal example is my son plays VR and he plays, you know, the different all kinds of different games on VR and um there all kinds of different kids talking and all that. And our thing is you cannot give them any personal information ever. Let some doubt he has been playing VR with this kid and it gave them this phone number so that they could tell each other when they were going to be online. And as it is, it still broke the rules, right? And so he took he was telling me this, not realizing he was telling me he broke the rules until after. So in my experience, I mean, you know, was to try to be, you know, very calm and open, but also saying, but buddy, remember, you're not allowed to do that. Like we don't know this kid, you can't continue to communicate to him. So that's just a very small thing. But how do we, how do you suggest we handle a situation if our kids are opening up, but they've said something that we know, like they're they need to, there needs to be a consequence or something because they put themselves in a situation that they shouldn't have without them shutting down the next time because they're afraid to tell us anything.

SPEAKER_01: 10:26

Yeah, well, that that's the key. Uh uh, I and that's where we as parents need to use discretion, uh, looking at what else has been going on. If they've been doing well, doing well, you know, keeping all the rules, doing their chores, going to school, you know, and then they you find out something like that, then that might warrant a warning. Like, hey, remember we talked about this, and now you're telling me you did that. And remember, that's just something that we don't want you doing. So I'm not gonna give you a consequence this time, but I'm warning you that's something that we just you know really don't want you doing. And it's a matter of trust. I want you to trust me, I want to trust you, and you know, you have that conversation. But if it's something that, you know, uh along with a lot of other things, um, I think there has to be consequences. But I wouldn't um you know, if if you've if you've allowed kids to do certain things and then you try to remove it, that's a tough um tough way to go. So it's I wouldn't, you know, give me your phone or give me your games, or you're not playing. Um I want to say it was really extreme, but other than that, I would just say here's the consequence. You know, what are and I again what what it could be an hour or two hours a day or something like that, but I wouldn't try to completely remove them from you know, social media and all those things, video games. Um that's usually counterproductive. So it does require a lot of wisdom, um, discretion. And sometimes when we gotta say no and put our foot down, that's what we need to do. And other times when you show discretion and flexibility, I think that's wisdom as well.

SPEAKER_00: 12:08

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Well, one of the things I know that you talk a lot about, Ooh, is cultivating tomorrow's leaders. You know, we want our children to grow up to be happy and successful and good people and make a difference in the world. And so every parent probably, I would assume, most every parent wants that for their child. Um, how do we as parents help them become that? How do we build their confidence and their um their uh the skills that they need to go on to be a leader of tomorrow?

SPEAKER_01: 12:42

Well, again, uh I I have a strategy that I talk about in uh Parents Foundation that's called the home field advantage. And I learned that strategy because when parents asked me that question that you're asking me, I didn't have an answer. And their main question was, Richard, uh I love what you're teaching me, but I have a a little boy, a little son, I don't want him to be like his brother. That's the person she was having trouble with. How do I prevent him from becoming like that? At the time I didn't have an answer, but I did some research and I found out that the from the 80s of 12 to 15, that's when usually kids begin to, you know, pressure and look maybe go off the rails with that. But what that told me, okay, so now I I have from zero to twelve. I have the home field advantage. So that's a sports manaphor. I'm sure you understand what that means. You're you said your husband's a coach. For 12 years, you know what's coming. Your competition is gonna be on the field. They're not on yet. Your baby's zero. Zero to two. What should be happening in the life of a child from zero to two? I call that the role of the gardener, the nurturer. Then from two to five, what should be happening? I call that the trainer where the discipline is taking place, uh, because you know, kids want to take over when they're two, three, four, they want what they want, when they want it, how they want it, all that. So that's a role of discipline. And then from five to twelve, you're a coach on the field, uh watching your son play in the game of life. And you're kind of on the sideline because they're going to school, you're going to work, they're out there now in society. So that is a strategy that all that time, I call it preparation for separation and infiltration, not isolation. So my job is to raise my child, not to live with me for the rest of their life. I'm preparing them to get out, like you said, out in in the uh society and establish their own, you know, whether whatever it might be. Family, job, college, whatever. So what should I be doing? I need to be number one, be a role model. Number two, I need to help them discover who they are. If I don't help them discover who they are, somebody else will. And once we've discovered who they are, then we're not comparing them. Why can't you be more like your brother? Why can't you be more like him or her? We want to celebrate their uniqueness because once we discover who they are, then we're going to develop that. Discover it, then develop it. That's my role. I'm comparing them with self-esteem, vision and dreams, integrity and character. And therefore, I'm not afraid of like you mentioned, you know, when my I send my sons out there, my daughters out there, I look at that as an infiltration in the darkness. They're a light. They're showing other kids how to be a good son, how to be a good daughter, how to have manners, how to listen, how to get along with other people, how to respect authority, because I've been teaching them all of those things at home. And so, as I tell parents all the time, the community is not building your family. Your family is building the community. We are raising citizens of the community. And I always ask parents to answer the question in their rhetorically what kind of citizen are we sending into the community every day? What kind of citizen are we sending to the neighborhood, to the school, and ultimately to be an employee? So during those 12 years, I think it's key that we are giving them the self-worth, the self-esteem, the emotional stability, the discipline to respect authority, and earning their respect for my authority, things like that. And then the coaching phase where let's find out what you're good about. Let's find out what you're good at, what you're all about. Let's find out what that is, and then I'm gonna support you, whatever that might be.

SPEAKER_00: 16:44

Yeah. I love what you said. I saw just a quote just yesterday, and I it's like we know this, but we need to be reminded that we are not raising children to be children. We're raising children to be adults. And in the day-to-day of parenting, and you know, it could that can get lost sometimes. And um, and and also just picturing them as adults, you know. I mean, it can just get lost in our minds. So I'm glad you said that because I saw that quote yesterday, um, a very similar one. And oh, we need yes, that that makes so much sense.

SPEAKER_01: 17:12

And sometimes it takes time, you know, it's a it's a it's a day-to-day process. It's not like we sit down and have this lecture every, you know, it's just in the driving to school, sitting at the dinner table, going to bed. It's you know, it's just an ongoing process, but I'm very cognizant of the fact that that's what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00: 17:35

Yeah, yeah. And sometimes I think that if for parents, it can mean letting them fail when that's the last thing we want. The last thing we want is to see our children upset or sad or disheartened or to not do something well. But if we don't ever let them fail, what's gonna happen when they do fail as an adult? Because obviously we all are gonna fail multiple times in life at different things.

SPEAKER_01: 17:59

Well, that's what I meant by non-isolation, preparation for separation. Life is a process of separation from the womb, separation from the home when you go to school, separation and marriage, ultimately separation and death. That's a process of separation we prepare them for. But infiltration, not isolation, if we're gonna helicopter parent kids, I don't think that's healthy. If we're gonna try to isolate them from fear and failure and discrimination and injustice and teachers that are not very cool or cops that are, you know, not very good, all of those we know realities in the community, then when they come up against it, you know, they're not gonna handle it very well. And that's what I mean by not isolation. We're not trying to isolate our kids. Failure, there is no success without failure. Right. And if you're not failing, you probably don't have a big enough vision. So uh those are the kind of things I like to tell my kids.

SPEAKER_00: 19:01

I love it. I love it. Well, uh, one other thing I wanted to ask you about is um we've talked about respect and showing respect and not disrespecting others. That is something too that you help parents navigate. You have a couple of ways for um or tips or strategies for us to navigate disrespect at home. I think anybody listening, if you have a twin or a teen, at some point they have rolled their eyes at you or sighed and you know, frustration over having to do the dishes. Um, you know, and those are normal things, right? Like everybody feels frustrated at certain times. But how how do we like what are your top strategies for teaching our kids to be respectful to us and to everybody around them?

SPEAKER_01: 19:40

Yeah, that's a big one. I I really believe respect is something that we have to earn and not demand. And too many parents are demanding respect rather than earning respect. So the first thing is that I have to show my kids that my relationship is more important with them than being right. A lot of times parents get hung up on being right rather than the relationship, and you might win the argument, but that doesn't mean you're gonna win the relationship. And we we go, oh, just too bad, you're gonna have to get over it, but a lot of times they don't. And I like what I learned from Stephen Covey when he said that every time you borrow from your strength as a parent, you're weakening your relationship with your children. So I want my kids to know my relationship with you is more important than being right. And so that requires humility and emotional maturity uh to go back and maybe I didn't maybe I yelled, you know, maybe I lost my temper, maybe I did something wrong and I'm gonna go back and fix that. Why maybe you're in the wrong son, but what I did wasn't right either. And that just helps show him it's our relationship. That's what matters. And then the other thing is having the humility to apologize and own up when we've made a mistake. And that when kids see authority figures, especially your mom and dad, apologize, own up, look them in the eye, and just say, look, man, I I I bullet. I I shouldn't have done that. I said I was, I didn't, and then I just excused it. Forgive me, son. I I I I I didn't do what I said I was gonna do. Those are the ways that we can earn the respect that as authority figures and as parents, because they see I'm not always right, and I make mistakes, and I'm willing to own it and I'm willing to apologize for it. And I think those things go a long way to when we're earning to earn the respect of our children.

SPEAKER_00: 21:44

I I absolutely agree. I the to your first point of having not, you know, not always have not always having to be right. Um, that was a hard one for me to learn, especially my oldest son. He is very much like me. And when we disagree, we both want to have the last word. And um, it took a lot for me to realize I'm not helping the situation and I'm the adult, I'm the one in charge of fixing the situation. And so it, you know, it does take a lot for me to make myself be quiet. But the more that I do it, the better we are. And I've really realized that that's so important. And it's not an easy one. But the more it's much easier for me now that I've I've intentionally done that for the past several years. It gets easier.

SPEAKER_01: 22:28

Well, that's the the reason why emotional maturity is so important. And that's the first thing we teach in Found Sound Mission is to know yourself, to grow yourself, because our age does not mean we're getting wiser. It doesn't mean we're getting smarter, and it doesn't mean we're getting better. Um, we can we all know older adults that are very immature. They're still living in the past, they still have a 35-year-old, but they're a 15-year-old mentality, and the problem with that is now you have children. So now you have an adult who's 30 years old with a 15-year-old mentality dealing with a 14-year-old daughter. That doesn't go well. So it's the emotional maturity working on ourselves over a lifetime. That's what we emphasize in Parents on the Mission. It's about me. I need to grow. I need to deal with myself. The first thing I gotta do, and this is all the principle of leadership. I first thing I gotta do is look at myself. If things aren't going right, whether I'm the coach or the CEO or the executive director or the dad, if things are not going right, I need to look at myself first and see where am I contributing to this issue. So when we're doing that, um that really helps deal with a lot of issues. I think emotional immaturity of parents is one of the root problems uh between the parent-child relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 23:53

Yeah, I can absolutely see that. And five years ago, I would not have known that uh not that I would have not have agreed with you, I wouldn't have um been able to really see it, but I can see it in myself because of having conversations like this and realizing that it, like you said, it starts with me and actively working on that. You would yeah, we think by the time we're in our 40s, right? That we like we we're good to go, right? We don't need to keep working on ourselves, but that's not the case.

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

I've had so many parents uh later admit they say, why do I need to go to a parents on a mission parent class? I'm a good parent. I don't need to go. And then after they go through the classes and saying, Oh my God, I wish I would have done this a long time ago. And I just want to say, Elizabeth, um the difference between parents on a mission and most parenting classes, they're teaching parents how to deal with their kids. Parents on a mission teaches us how to deal with ourselves. Yeah. And that's the difference.

SPEAKER_00: 24:50

I love it. And um, I know we're just about out of time, but I wanted to go back to one thing you said too about apologizing, because I have seen this conversation come up in the parenting world before. And there are a lot of people who really feel strongly that parents should not apologize to their children. And that to me is it's it's surprising, but there are a lot of people that strongly feel like that. And so I'm glad that you said that because I feel like it if we want them to be able to apologize to us, to their siblings, to their future spouse, how are they ever gonna do that if they've never seen it modeled?

SPEAKER_01: 25:28

You know, forgiveness is such a huge issue in families. Think about Thanksgiving, in-laws, you name it. You know, I've been through it. And um to be forgiven is powerful. To forgive others who have hurt you is powerful, and to forgive yourself or past regrets is powerful. So forgiveness is such a huge issue, and if we can learn to do that and model that for our kids, uh like I said, what let me put it another way. Whenever I just wish we could see more politicians and people in authority, police officers, uh, law enforcement, uh teachers, principals of schools, and politicians and presidents look in the mirror and apologize to the American people or the class or the school or the teachers or whatever. That to me just goes a long way. So that's that. But in the home, I just know from my own personal experience I've made a lot of mistakes. And one of the things I tell parents, it's not about being perfect, mom and dad. If you want to be the hero of your children, and hopefully you will strive for that. One of the ways to be a hero is not to be perfect, it's to be honest with your children and own up. And that goes a long way to respect and your kids admiring you and being a hero to your children.

SPEAKER_00: 26:56

I love it. Well, I think that's a fantastic thing for us to remember. Richard, we really appreciate your time and your insight. And you have a couple of books, you have an online course, you have a podcast, you have lots of different things. Um, we will, of course, link to everything below so you can easily go find the different things that Richard has. But is there anything in particular that you would recommend if parents listening and they're like, this resonates with me? I really could use a little work on myself. Where what should they check out?

SPEAKER_01: 27:23

Yeah, all those resources can be found on my website. Simply go to Richardr Ramos.com. Don't forget my middle initial because there's a lot of Richard Ramos in the world. But if you go to RichardRamos.com, there you'll find my podcast, books, and other resources.

SPEAKER_00: 27:43

Fantastic. And we'll make those links easy to access. So if you're watching or listening, they should be right around wherever you are. So, well, Richard, thank you again for being here and thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_01: 27:53

Thanks for having me on.