SPEAKER_01: 0:38

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today we're chatting with Laura Olinger. Laura is a teen and parent well-being coach. She's from Austin, Texas, and she's a mom of four teenagers. So she's very well versed in what she preaches. She practices it and preaches it. So, Laura, we're excited to have you here today to talk about ways we can better communicate with our kids. Awesome. Well, thanks so much for having me. I'm excited. So, besides learning these things, like as we go as parents, you also study these things. How did this become like your kind of calling, your passion in life to help parents as we raise communicative and caring children, teenagers, adults? How did that become about?

SPEAKER_00: 1:16

Yeah, good question. There were two things kind of happening simultaneously in my life, which was my daughter was starting to have a lot of anxiety. And I just felt like, you know, I wanted to get a handle on it before it escalated. And right around that time, uh, my nephew took his own life at the age of 20. Yeah. Um, yeah. I mean, it it just, it was obviously my uh a game changer for our whole family. And um, that's when I knew I I just wanted to focus on teenagers. I realized like this is my calling. Like I just felt called to kind of step up and learn every single thing I could, possibly, about um parenting teenagers.

SPEAKER_01: 1:56

Yeah. Well, I I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, that that's what led you to this path. But um, hopefully, you know, you can find peace in knowing that you're taking that and spreading good into the world and doing good with such a with such a horrible, horrible situation.

SPEAKER_00: 2:11

Yes, I I do feel that. I do feel that because I've spoken with besides I do one-on-one coaching, but I also do a lot of um presentations and keynotes. And sometimes it's just a room full of teenagers and I, you know, share my story, not every, you know, detail or every time, but I can tell that they appreciate the honesty and the vulnerability. And I think it's just I I know that it's having an impact on them. And so I kind of feel like, oh, this is what I was meant to do because I'm now I'm equipping these kids with some of these skills, and now they can go off and you know, either help themselves or um, you know, they'll become a parent someday and then they'll have those skills as well.

SPEAKER_01: 2:49

Yeah, absolutely. And so what we're talking about today is building those confidence and communication skills in our kids so that they can be happy, healthy, well-adjusted, you know, and ultimately grow up to be adults. We always say like happy, well-adjusted for kids, but you know, we are raising adults here. So you have some very specific strategies and things that we could start doing today to build better uh, I would say, communication skills and um just understand our teens a little bit better, right? Because teenagers, oh my goodness, I have a 12-year-old and a 16-year-old. And um I have I have two boys, so I haven't gone through the girl drama with teens, but I was a girl teen. And so there, you know, there's just there's so much that goes on in their lives. And oh, God bless them. They they need our patience, they need our support as they're going through these phases. So that's what we're here to talk about today. So let's just start with um with that. We want to be able to connect with our kids. We want them to be able to communicate with us and others. How do we make that happen?

SPEAKER_00: 3:51

Yeah, great question. So I always feel like um, you know, that responsibility falls primarily on the parent to kind of set the tone and set the vibe for the household. Um, and so part of that is just kind of getting yourself prepared. Like that's almost like the the pre-work here is to get yourself in a calm, regulated state. Um and and sometimes that there might not be time for that, but literally if it's take a deep breath, right? Just to like get yourself in the moment, because you know, we know that teenagers um sometimes need something at the a very inconvenient time for us. And we might be in the middle of something. And so, you know, just you know, that deep breath. And, you know, sometimes we do have to say, like, okay, I can we follow up on this in five minutes, or I need to finish this. But assuming you're you're then available, we don't want to ever start a conversation all riled up, right? We we they they say actually, um, there's a statistic that um I can't remember the number, but it's very high. How you start a conversation is how the conversation will end, as far as kind of like tone and energy. So if you come into it in a calm, connecting tone, there is a very high chance that you can end on it. Even if things do get heated in the middle, you can end on a calm, connected tone as well.

SPEAKER_01: 5:09

That's fantastic. That's great knowledge. I've never heard that, but it makes perfect sense. So if my son is late for his curfew and he comes in and I say, Where were you? Why are you late? You know, give me the keys, it's not gonna end well for us, right?

SPEAKER_00: 5:24

Exactly. That exactly. You you nailed it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 5:29

So besides being regulated or making sure we're in a good headspace when we're having tough conversations with our kids, um, I think you one of the things you talk about is that we have to put our our like we have to understand their perspective of things, right? Which is uh they have a limited worldview. We obviously we have more experience, life experience, more education, all the things, but that doesn't mean that theirs isn't very valid, right? So putting um, you know, our things into perspective and their understanding of their experience is really important for how we handle things, right?

SPEAKER_00: 6:01

Yeah, and there's uh there's even more to it than that. Like, first of all, yeah, a parent, I feel, and and maybe not everybody agrees, but I feel it's our job to be able to put ourselves in our teenager's shoes. And that doesn't mean that the teenager needs to, right? We're not equals. They don't need to be able to put themselves in our shoes. We do want to help them try to understand where we're coming from. Like if we have to come up with a rule, we might want to help them understand like why this is important. So we do want to help them understand our perspective a little bit, but really, I honestly feel it's our job to understand how they are feeling because that is gonna bridge that gap. That is gonna help the connection so much. But additionally, um, uh when I say put things in perspective, it also means kids have a tendency to just catastrophize, especially, you know, our girls who and boys do it too, like it's the end of the world and it's over, and nobody's ever gonna talk to me again. I um I bombed that debate, or I um, or it could be also really good. Oh my gosh, everybody loves me. I'm so perfect. Not that we don't hear a lot of this from teenagers, but you hear what I'm saying, just the extreme language, like the very black and white language. And a lot of times what we need to do is help them focus on like shades of gray. Like, is it possible that you you didn't bomb the test? Is it possible that that maybe you did okay? Right? We we teenagers so much either think in this extremes that they they need guidance to think. Sometimes it's okay. Like I explain it where you go to a restaurant and the food might be okay, but you might not go back, right? But it was okay. It was a horrible, it wasn't uh the best meal you've ever had. And so that's how I help them just like there's a middle ground to almost everything. There, there is a middle ground. And so just helping them like get the language and and the way we help them get the language is either just set that, you know, we always model everything that we do, but also to kind of ask the questions like, is it possible that maybe you got a C? Is it possible that a C doesn't mean bombing? Is it possible that um, you know, in your mind an F is bombing, but is it possible that maybe a B minus is is okay? And so just like helping them under like reframe what the definition is. And if they reframe what the definition is, then they'll also use different language, and then it the cycle kind of feeds itself, where um, you know, it kind of builds confidence when um they start to use different language. And that's part of that's a lot of what I do because part one of the modalities that I use in my coaching practice is called neurolinguistic programming programming. And so it's all about listening to the language patterns of my clients and then reflecting that back to them and say, you know, something like, Oh, I heard you say that um, in fact, this is a true real life example. Um, I have a client who this Friday she has a field day at her school and she is terrified because she's not great at sports, that's not her thing. And so I just, you know, she's so it's so um in her mind, so big. And so I helped her kind of put things in perspective and reframe it. And is it possible that um it's okay to not be great at sports? Is it possible that in 10 years you'll look back at it and laugh at this whole thing that you lost from your team? Is it possible that um you might even find some humor the day of? And is it also possible, you know, right? Do you see what I'm saying? Like the idea that um we all walk around with these lenses on and just helping ourselves shift our lens to our teenager's shoes shoes, but then also helping our teenager shift the lens to just open up possibilities because once they start feeling good, they start feeling like, oh, maybe it's not as bad as I'm thinking it's gonna be. You know, where they always go to the worst case scenario and then I help them see best case scenario, and then what is the most realistic scenario? What is likely? And then they realize, okay, right, that's where we're getting the shades of gray.

SPEAKER_01: 10:00

Gotcha. That that makes perfect sense. And I love the example you used because um I think it just goes to show us, you know, something like field day, and a child being so nervous about field day to me seems like, well, that's silly. It's field day, you know what I mean? But that doesn't mean it's silly to them. Like you just said, this was really weighing on her. And so I think that's something was just another great point of understanding that what is not serious to us doesn't mean it's not serious to them. But and I also love how you're saying, is it possible in asking questions instead of telling them, no, you're wrong. This is the scenario. You're by asking the questions, you're helping them come to those conclusions on themselves themselves.

SPEAKER_00: 10:41

Mm-hmm. Exactly. Yeah. And I would love to just kind of um add in a little bit about the number one complaint I do get from teenagers is parents um not understanding what the teenager's going through. And they want to come home and they want to vent and they wanna, and when a a parent invalidates them, like, oh, it's not that big of a deal. Who cares about field day? Oh, you're exaggerating. There is nothing more disconnecting and nothing more frustrating than when a teenager doesn't or when a parent doesn't validate the teenager's feelings. Like, oh, yeah, it makes sense you'd be really anxious about field day because you're, you know, sports isn't really your thing. Oh, I can understand why you would be um concerned that you might embarrass yourself because, right? Like you see what I'm saying? And so just like to kind of again put yourself in their shoes and then to validate it verbally to them is huge.

SPEAKER_01: 11:35

And that is, I mean, just as important, I think, when we're adults, you know. Like just just last week I was having a conversation with my some my husband on something that I thought was a big deal and he did not. And whenever I said it, he said, Oh, come on, because he thought I was making like taking something that was not a big deal to him, but it was to me. And it was I didn't react very well whenever he didn't validate my feelings, you know. So if I I expect that it, you know, feedback or, you know, those kind of um conversations from people around me, I should certainly serve the same, especially to my children, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 12:09

Yes, yes, I agree. And and it it it is hard. I like I'm not saying that this is easy, right? And it is hard, but it does like, you know, get easier with practice. And then, you know, as I've learned these skills and I I test them out on my kids and I try them out. And there are certain times when I um my kids have called me out on it, and I was like, oh, learning moment, thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 12:36

Which is not easy to take. But you know, but like you said, we have to be open-minded. We have to um respect them and their views because they're they are very valid, even if they're coming from a totally different place than ours. You also talk about connecting communication style. Is that the am I using the right phrase? And what does that mean?

SPEAKER_00: 12:55

Yeah, to me, what that means is um, you know, the perfect example you gave at the beginning was, you know, you're home late, like what was your problem? Like, I can't remember how you said it, but um, anytime we start a sentence with the word you, like your room is messy, you're doing terribly in your class, you're late all the time, whatever it is, that is never gonna end well. And this is again, uh it can apply universally to your spouse, your boss, your friends, right? Nobody wants to be accused, right? Because can you feel like that energy is just very attacking, like it's just like aggressive, right? And so just such a simple hack that I teach all the time. It's just starting the sentence with I and then it, and then I say I feel. So whatever that feeling that you have, so that it takes it the pressure off and it and it just comes onto myself. So it would be, I feel worried when you come home late because I need to know that you're safe, or I feel stressed or worried or concerned, whatever it might be. And so when we do that, when we it kind of give that I feel, it's such a great way to model because your teenager will pick up on that. And so this is actually something I've been doing with my kids since they were really little. Thankfully, I learned this from an amazing expert at the time. And we used to go around the dinner table and just you do our I feel statements. And at first, of course, they thought it was stupid and cheesy, like, why do we have to do this? But one of my children was having a really hard time connecting um with their emotions, and they would there would end up being these blow-ups. And so I was taught that like if they can get the skill to like understand what that emotion is and then verbalize it, it's just like this emotional fluency. Um, it's gonna be so much more connecting. And then the conversation is gonna go so much better if because then they can say, oh, it's not that like I'm getting attacked and I'm in trouble, but it's oh, my mom was worried about me. Oh, okay, right. And so that helps them then understand your perspective as well.

SPEAKER_01: 14:54

And the going with the I feel statements too, what you were saying that I was thinking, and depending on what they say, we have to be careful that we respond not in a way that's like, I feel nervous about field day. We don't respond with, oh, it's just field day. You know, so it's like both of those skills and really need to work together through these conversations.

SPEAKER_00: 15:13

Absolutely, yes. Yeah, this is a whole um, you know, and here's the thing, we we didn't like necessarily, you don't grow up like knowing this stuff. Like this is all things, and so if there is a parent that it's like, wow, we really struggle with this or we have a lot of fights in our house or whatever, it's okay, like wherever you are, because this is just again, it's it's just like anything else that we learn, it's a practice, and it's it's it's sometimes we do better than others, and it's okay to mess up and and and you know, kind of sidebar on this. If you do mess up, then it's a great opportunity to model the repair process with with your child because we all have conflict. And if we can come back and say, hey, honey, I'm so sorry about earlier, my mind was elsewhere, I was really stressed about this meeting I have. Sorry I blew up, I I was really just feeling um concerned for your safety. Do you accept my apology? Something like you know, whatever it might be, but um just to kind of own it because we do mess up, we're not perfect. And that is such a great example for then our teenagers to take responsibility for when they mess up.

SPEAKER_01: 16:20

Yeah. And if, like you said, if we want them to be able to do it, they have to learn it somewhere. So it it's got we want it to be from us. Um yeah, I actually so um I think about this podcast all the time, and so many things that I have learned through talking to different experts like you that have made me a better parent and repaired uh relationships with my oldest son. He is definitely my mini me. And in those like 12, 13, 14 really fueled years for kids, you know, um, we struggled having conversations and and and meaningful communication. And um, and now, thankfully, we get along great. And it's not, and I I credit it to and obviously I changed my behavior, but I learned so many things and ways to be able to change my behavior and my responses to him, to where he uh we just, you know, we we get along really, really well. And so just to kind of chide like to add on to what you were saying, if you're listening and you're like, oh, I'm not doing any of these things, yeah, that's okay. You start, start. You you will see improvements in relationships if you if you if you learn and actively work towards it.

SPEAKER_00: 17:29

Yeah, and it's never too late, you know, it's never too late. Like they say there's there's no better time to plant a tree, or when's the best time to plant a tree 20 years ago? The second best time is today, right?

SPEAKER_01: 17:41

Right. Oh, I love it. I love it. Because and truly, I because I think of a lot of things I learned, I think, man, if I would have only known this before I became a parent or when they were littler and I would have done these things differently. Um, you know, but obviously we can't do that. So all we can do is improve where we're at today. So um, okay, so another thing that I like that we were chatting about um before we started recording, or setting expectations when it comes to understanding boundaries and things like that, that where we're we might that might lead to difficult conversations. Um, you know, if our, like I said, our child comes home late, they miss curfew three times, and I take away the car keys, and we've not had a discussion about how this is gonna be handled, they're probably not going to accept that consequence very easily, right? So, how do we set things up so in situations where we know there are gonna be times when they have to face consequences that they're actually learning from it instead of just thinking, oh my gosh, my mom's the worst?

SPEAKER_00: 18:38

That's such a great way to ask the question because the whole point of discipline, right? There's this whole school of thought that um there's the old school version of parenting, which is punishment. And um that's it's very different than discipline. Discipline, the the word actually, a root word, it comes from learning, right? And it's teaching. So that is the whole point of what discipline is about. So that they can, there's either those natural consequences that, you know, they forgot their lunch and then they're hungry, or there's those imposed consequences that is that the parents' job to help teach them, right? And and there's a reason why I know we are using the example a lot of the curfew, but that's a great example. And so here's what I I've realized is you cannot prepare for every scenario, right? Like I realize there have been things that I'm like, I could have never even imagined that happened. How could I have set up um a boundary about that in advance? Because you don't know what what's gonna happen. So then I'm like, oh, huh, that's an interesting one. Now I'll add that to my list. But anyway, yeah, the idea, right? The idea here is just that it's agreed upon in advance. So, right, so your child does get their driver's license. You do the idea is that there is some structure. It's not just like, here you go, have fun, right? Like there is some structure, and every family operates a bit differently. And same like when um a child gets their first cell phone, you don't just hand them the Apple box, or some families do, like, here you go, good luck, right? Hopefully, we're setting up some type of boundaries around that, like when or how it's being used. But whatever that is, is the idea is that if if there is a boundary being crossed, that they need to know in advance what is going to be the repercussion for that. And that actually prevents them from hopefully doing that, whatever cross boundary um behavior is, because they're like, oh, well, I don't want to have to give away my car keys. Oh, I don't want to have to um reduce my screen time or right. And so A, that helps, but then B, when they do cross it, they're like, okay, yeah, my bad, right? Again, helping them take that responsibility, like, yeah, I did do it. Instead of just being like, my mom's an evil, mean witch, dude, blah, blah, blah. It's trying to control me, right? It's like allowing them to reflect on their behavior and be like, oh, yeah, okay, I get it. Right. And maybe it's not going to come out quite so well. You know, it might come out with some anger or whatever that is, but that allows the parent to then hold steady in that um agreed upon decision because what do we see the most is parents caving because their child is throwing some type of a tantrum and they don't want to hear it anymore. So then they end up caving. So we want to prevent parents from caving. And so it's just like that helps you feel more confident. Well, that was our agreement, right? And and they didn't follow the agreement. So it makes sense that this is what we're gonna follow through with because this is what we agreed upon.

SPEAKER_01: 21:25

Yeah. And it's, I mean, you are like speaking to me exactly right now. This is um another like situation with my son. I don't mean to like, he didn't come home late from curfew the other day. I was just using that. Um but he he does sometimes um not turn in his school assignments and it obviously affects his grades. And so um we had to figure out how to make this where it was important to him. And he understood the consequences because it was very easy for us just to say, all right, well, uh next time let's do better. Next time let's do better. Because I don't want to discipline him, I don't want to make him unhappy or sad, you know what I mean? Like that's the last thing I want is to make my son sad or unhappy or especially unhappy with me. You know, that's really hard as a mom. But so we made that very clear. If you um, if you do not, if you if your grades drop because you didn't turn things in, you don't play video games until the grades back up, and that's it. And um, and so just just yesterday, we were having a conversation about grades, and I said, All right, but you know, you gotta get that pulled up by the weekend. And he said, I know, mom. And so, like, he wasn't happy to hear it, but he knew because he knew exactly what I was gonna say that if he didn't get those assignments turned in next weekend, he wasn't gonna have any video games. And so he's definitely not happy to hear it, but um, it's he's very clear on the consequence, and that makes it so much easier on me if the time comes that I have to say, sorry, man, you lost it this weekend. I I I feel like he he knew what was coming. And um, I'm not the the mean mom for doing that, but it just makes it so much easier. Like you said, everything you said to Not Cave to stand strong, and he does a lot better because he knows that that's coming, and he only knows that because we've actually done it. If we've said it before and then not taken him away, he doesn't learn anything, but we've had to do it before, and so now it's much more serious to him.

SPEAKER_00: 23:13

Yeah, I I love what you said. And um also just speaking to the mom's feelings, because um, that can be hard if you feel like you're the reason why your child is unhappy. But um, you know, kind of what I help moms with and and parents with is if we just think of it as short-term versus long-term, it becomes, and that's putting things in perspective, right? If we know that that holding that boundary is important for their long-term growth and their the way they're able to contribute to society, like if they skip work for three days because whatever, they were playing, I don't know, oh, adults play video games too. So let's just say they're getting right, it's like, okay, well, then they get fired from their job. Oh, I didn't learn back when I was a teenager because my mom let me get away with it, right? If we can just like think about it in like you're creating this, um, like you said earlier, an adult. And that is the process. We're trying to work ourselves out of a job. And so knowing that, like, even if it stings a little bit, like if your mom heart hates to see your child hap, you know, sad, then just think, okay, I will be thinking myself someday, or they will even maybe in a weird way, think me someday, because they knew that I held them to a standard.

SPEAKER_01: 24:22

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, Laura, this has really been a great conversation. Before we wrap up, is there anything else, any other tidbits that you want parents to walk away with today? Saying these are all great fantastic things that we can start working on today. Anything else you want to leave with everyone?

SPEAKER_00: 24:37

I do have one because of who your clients are. What's kind of um, you know, because I coach a lot of teenagers who happen to be athletes, but anytime you're in a performance type setting and a person messes up or they don't do what they wanted to do, it's easy to want to, you know, validate and empathize that they're upset. And I also think it's important to focus not on the failures as much, but also, but we still want to give space to that. So it kind of gets into this gray zone. So kind of I have this feedback model that I use with my clients, which is what went well, right? And so we start off with something positive. We always start with something positive. What went well? Because the teenager wants to start with something negative inherently. Um, and then what could be better next time? And so it's not focusing on the mistake, it's not focusing on the past. It's very empowering to be like, oh, well, next time I could A, B, and C, right? And you see the slight, it's a slight shift, but it makes a huge difference.

SPEAKER_01: 25:36

And words matter. We know that, you know, the slightest difference in the way you say thing or the word you use, like you just said earlier, it's starting with you versus I, um, the tone that you're using, all of those things absolutely matter. So, well, this has really been a great conversation. And you do, you said you do group coaching and one-on-one coaching. You also have extra resources on your website. So if anybody's interested in finding more about Laura, we'll make sure we put everything in the show notes. So whether you're listening or watching, they'll be right above or below wherever you're at to be able to click through and and find out, find some more great parenting teen advice because we really can't get enough of that.

SPEAKER_00: 26:14

I agree. I agree.

SPEAKER_01: 26:16

Well, Laura, thanks again for your time. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thanks for listening.