Welcome And Meet Jackie Bailey

SPEAKER_01 0:51

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Jackie Bailey. Jackie is the international conversation coach, and she inspires clients to speak with significance, triumph over trauma, and champion their challenges. She's also an author, podcaster, TEDx speaker, and she has many, many awards under her belt and lots of great information to share. Jackie, thanks for being here today.

From Trauma To Using Her Voice

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Elizabeth, it is wonderful to be here. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

So before we dive in and like get to the good stuff, just tell our audience just a little bit about who you are and how you got to this point in your life where building confidence and communication skills is what you do.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Well, thank you for that. I came upon this work a little bit by accident. Now, I had a traumatic childhood. I was living in an abusive home and I was silenced, and it changed who I was because I was told not to tell. And I didn't know what that threat meant. So I didn't tell. If anything, I'm obedient. But the bad news is that by being obedient, I grew up not being able to feel comfortable speaking up, speaking out. That was just something scary to do. And it wasn't until I was an adult woman when there was another child in danger and I needed to speak up. I needed to say something to protect that potential victim of the same perpetrator. So it was then using my voice when I first realized I actually have something important to say. And ever since then, when I have shared my story on stages, every every single time someone comes up to me and thanks me for sharing that because they've had a similar situation. Or now they know what to call it, or now they know who they need to talk to, things like that. So my mission now in life is to make sure that no child in my stewardship is ever silenced. I want them to feel confident speaking up. I want them to understand that they have something powerful to say. And so I started the Speak Feed Lead project in 2019. It is a nonprofit. And ever since then, we have had public speaking courses. We've done some retreats for families and other speakers. And we coach kids to be on prestigious stages to give keynotes, and many of them are also book authors. Um, I do work with adults as well, but uh I would say 75% of my clients are ages 10 to about 15-ish. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Well, I hate to hear that you had to go through trauma to bring you where you are, but it is amazing that you are able to face that and use your experience to better yourself and obviously the the people around you. And it's obvious you care about that.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Um it's a blessing. It's a blessing in disguise, actually.

unknown 3:49

Yeah.

The Three Conversations Kids Need

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Well, I'm glad that you're here. And you know, the whole point of you know, speak out standout is giving parents and educators strategies to build confidence and communication skills in their kids and teens, whether it be a similar situation and they've come from a rough childhood that they're trying to work through, or just like a lot of us. I know as a child myself, I had a great childhood, but was very afraid to uh speak up as well. So, whatever, you know, whatever the circumstance is, you are bent on teaching people and especially children how to speak up. So I love it and I'm so glad to have you here. And I think that our listeners are going to really get a lot from this conversation. So one of the that you, you know, one of the things that we have uh talked a little bit about before when we were talking about what to talk about on this podcast, because there's so many different things that we could say. One of your uh topics is the three conversations that every child needs but rarely gets. And this really piqued my interest because we do teach a lot in our classes. It's more so the public speaking side of things. But it all before we get there, we have to learn how to just basic communicate first, right? And a lot of that ties to conversations that we're having with our children as parents or kids around us. So I'm very eager to learn more about this. So I'm just gonna let you like just jump right in and tell us what are some of these conversations that we might be totally missing.

Conversation One: I See You

Conversation Two: Let Me Try

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Yeah. Well, it social media and the internet and those darn devices that we have in our hands all the time now have put a wall up between us and our children. I was raised without a cell phone, and in fact, we had an answering machine, right? So I had to be home to check to see if anybody called me or if there were messages there. Today, everything happens so quickly in an instant, and yet we aren't communicating at all well. And I know that parents are often doing the best they can, but we inadvertently and accidentally silence our kids. Now, one example I will give you is during the pandemic, we had just opened the Speak Feed Lead project studio, and it was a brick and mortar building, and we were having classes there, and then when the pandemic came, we obviously couldn't have kids there for the short term. But what I learned from my students is that they didn't want to tell their parents how frightened they were, how frustrated they were. And the reason for that is because they knew their families were already stressed out. They were worried about grandma and grandpa getting sick, they were worried about mom and dad keeping their jobs, or they were worried about what's gonna happen. Am I ever going to get back to school again? Am I ever going to be able to be in sports or music? Without life experience, they didn't see that things would eventually come to an end and life might look a little bit differently. But the key to that is they didn't tell their parents. So they suffered in silence because they didn't want to add a burden to the family. And that breaks my heart because the parents need to know. The parents need to know if their child is suffering or feeling stressed or worry or anxious. But many times we as parents feel like I better not bring it up because I don't want to create any false, you know, challenges or make them think it's worse than it is. And so having the right kinds of conversations with our kids to help them feel safe to speak up, even if it might make the family focus on something else for a few minutes, it's really okay. So the first conversation I say that we all need to have with our kids is I see you. And that's where we can ask questions like, um, tell me more about that. How did that make you feel when that happened? Or uh what would you do differently if that same thing happened again? By not judging the decisions they made about certain things, not having that mama drama, I call it, you know, where they say, Um, Mom, I only got to see on my math test, and mama goes, What? I taught you better than that, right? I mean, we obviously we don't really say those words, but the reaction that we give to our kids, they interpret it as I better not say anything because mom won't be happy with that. And it's a shame. It's a shame. I mean, in my own house, as I mentioned, I was told not to tell, and so I didn't, but I had to keep everything inside because I didn't, first of all, didn't really have anyone to tell. But I find that kids are so sensitive to those kinds of things, and they would just rather be quiet than speak up. And so what that what that does is it changes their personality, it really changes who they are. You can take a vivacious young person at six or seven years old, and by n by shutting them down often enough, by 10 or 11, they're just quiet. They don't say anything anymore. They won't don't want to get involved in things, they don't have friends, they don't know how to make friends. So the first conversation is I see you. And that allows a child to know that he's being heard, he or she's being heard without judgment. And that's really, really important.

unknown 9:11

Yeah.

Conversation Three: You’re Safe With Me

SPEAKER_00 9:12

This the second type of conversation is uh let me try. Let me try. I know that a lot of times today we don't want our kids to feel sad, we don't them to feel lonely, we don't want them to be frustrated, and we tend to want to solve those problems for them because we don't want them to feel, you know, but the reality is. Right. Reality is they've gotta feel. If they don't feel sadness once in a while, if they don't feel excitement or happiness or whatever it is, even if they don't get angry once in a while, they aren't gonna understand what it feels like to not be having those emotions. And so the kind of questions that you can ask kids about let me try is what do you think about that? You know, or how would you describe that in your own words? Because sometimes kids don't want to speak up because they don't know how to say it. Um, so asking questions like that, and you know, when you think about it, every relationship started with the conversation. And so we need to make our conversations as powerful as possible so that people feel that they are being heard and that they matter, especially our kids. I mean, if we're not helping our kids to feel that way, what else are we doing? Right. Right. Um, and then the third kind of conversation is you're safe with me. Which is when you s when you help your child to feel that the parent is trustworthy, that they can share something with them that might be hard, it might be scary. But this one is not just about speaking, it's because it's about creating an environment in your home where children can feel like, oh, I can go talk to my mom, I can share this with her or with my dad. And so that usually that third type of conversation takes a little bit longer to nurture, right? Um, but from day one, we need to and should be willing to not overreact with our kids and not judge them so that they do feel like they can come tell us what's really bothering them. And then I think it's important that we don't solve the problem, is that we say, Well, what do you think you should do? And just let them share the answer to the solution. I mean, a lot of kids today are being bullied at school or they're being teased, and parents feel so heartbroken when they know that's happening to their child. And you know, I mean, that's they should feel heartbroken. But if a child doesn't work through the solution, his or herself, then they aren't going to learn how to negotiate those emotions later on.

unknown 11:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

So those are the three types of conversations is I see you, let me try, and you're safe with me.

Stop Assuming Ask Better Questions

SPEAKER_01 11:54

I think, and I, you know, what one of the last things you said was not solving the problems for them. I for me that immediately rang is like, oh, that's the hard one, you know. And I feel like a lot of listeners probably um are experiencing the same. You know, I do actively make these, you know, have conversations with my kids and I prompt them to, you know, to talk about things and describe their feelings. But the second it's something sad or bad, we want to fix it. Because of course we don't want to see our babies sad or upset. Um, but you're absolutely right. If we fix everything, they will never learn how to do it themselves. Or, like you said, to even just experience those emotions. That's a great point to consider that they need to consider though, they need to experience those emotions. And it's so much better for them to experience them in the safety of their home when they're young, as opposed to, you know, when they're an adult and they're out in the world and trying to navigate anger and things like that. Absolutely. And one thing I just wanted to add too, with what you were saying too, but when asking the questions, you made me think of a recent scenario with my son. I have two boys, and they're 17 and 13, and very, very different children. And my 13-year-old is very quiet. We call him, he's like the old soul. I always joke and say he's the most responsible person in our family, and he has been since he was five. Like that's just him. But he's very quiet. And um, I have learned more and more lately with him to not assume that I know what's bothering him. And because I've been proven very wrong in many situations lately when I have given him this space and prompted him and waited sometimes until he really wanted to chat, which is not always whenever I wanted to chat, you know. But my example, and this is very minor, but we are talking about taking my family to the Caribbean. And he has, we got our passports and all of that, and he just keeps saying, I don't want to leave the country. I don't want to leave the country. And I thought, I assumed he doesn't really like flying. We've flown before and he doesn't really like it, and I know that, but I assumed that was the issue. Yeah. Turns out one time he just randomly said, Well, will they speak English in Aruba or wherever we go? That's what was worrying him. He was afraid he wouldn't be able or we wouldn't be able to communicate with anybody. And again, my assumption was it had to do with the flight, had nothing to do with that. And so once he said that, I was able to say, Oh, of course, buddy. Most of those places, and especially the ones we're looking at, English isn't if not the number one language, it's right up there, you know. Like we'll be able to communicate with everybody. You don't have to worry about that. And now he's like, Okay, I'm ready to go. Let's go. So sometimes just assuming that we know what the issue is, is you know, we don't, obviously. We don't know. So opening up those conversations, like you just said, gives us the opportunity to learn more instead of just assuming.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Absolutely. Yeah, it's important for a child to be able to share. You know, so when they when they say, I don't want to leave the country, it's important to go, well, why? Is it something that you're concerned about or afraid of? You know, give them an opportunity to try to voice what it is they're feeling. And I'll offer two other words here, too, that are non-emotional. And so it might be the first thing all parents should say when their child tells them something that you know would generally cause an emotional reaction, is to say, that's interesting. Tell me more. You know, that's interesting. Those two words can diffuse the emotional reaction that, especially moms, but sometimes dads can have, and that will silence a child too, because they don't want that reaction. So that's interesting, is a way to really diffuse that and help the child feel more comfortable sharing a little bit more.

Phones Courtesy Questions And Presence

SPEAKER_01 15:35

That's a fantastic tip. I have never heard that before. I'm putting that in my back pocket. As I personally have been really working as a parent over the past few years to slow down my responses because I am a reactive person and I'm going to respond sometimes without thinking through what I'm going to say. And um, so I love I love that. That still gives me a response because just not speaking is difficult. Right. But it gives me time to, like I said, you you know, control my emotions and opens up the door for them. And I wanted to add just one other thing, too, when you said cell phones and social media and all that are putting up a wall between us and our families. And it is, I mean, not I'm looking for my phone right now, um, not just in the literals, I mean, the you know, the uh but also in the literal sense, is that if that's what I'm trying to say. When we're holding our phones in front of us and our kids are talking, it's literally a wall between us and our face. And I that's something that um I have really tried to work on partially because I realized my own son was doing it to me, and that was bothering me. And so making an effort to when they want to talk, put the phone down, unless it's something like pressing, and then I say, but it gives me just like 30 seconds, I have to finish this real quick, and then I'm all yours. But then putting the phone down, because even just holding it in your hand when they're speaking shows that that body language is showing them that you're waiting for this conversation to be done so you can go back to what you were doing. And there's not a quicker way to shut somebody up than to make them feel like you don't care what they have to say. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Uh, we do that a lot. I think as parents, um, we could have our phone or another device in our hand. They come in the door from school and we say, Hey honey, how was your day? But we've got the phone in front of us and we're scrolling through something. Well, the child knows that you're not really interested.

unknown 17:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

And so that's why we get the the good, or we get the fine, or the whatever. Sometimes you just get a grunt. You know, is because they have learned, mom and dad, you have taught them that they are not worth putting down that device and actually talking to. So why would they give you a response that you want when you're not going to hear it anyway? So that's something else we do as parents that silences our kids.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Yeah, absolutely. And inadvertently. But now that if you're hearing this and you're like, oh, that's me, you can still turn this around and and just by putting that phone down, or like you said, the computer, whatever it is, and just giving them your full attention. And most of the time you're still gonna get the eh, it was fine, it was boring, or whatever. But occasionally they might give you more and might surprise you.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Yeah, well, you need to ask the right questions, right? So, how is your day? Right. Is not a question that's going to evoke a conversation. Right. But you can say, hey, tell me something that made you smile today. Or um, did you feel really successful today doing something? So give them a new question. Yeah, you know, that causes them to think about something, to identify a talent or a skill or something, you know, that they're they enjoy or are good at. Um, and that's another opportunity for you to build their self-worth and their self-esteem because you're asking the right kinds of questions that will allow them to do that.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Yeah. I mean, think about we talk when we're at the grocery store, how's your day? To the cashier, good, how's yours? Good. Yeah, you know, that's all it's ever going to evoke. It is a courtesy question. It's a courtesy question, exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Yeah. So you don't want to get in the habit of using courtesy questions with your kids. That's a great, great feedback as well.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

So well, on that vein, um, do you have any other, you know, practical ways that we're building that confidence and communication skills from the inside out with our kids? We've talked about the three conversations that we need to be having with them. We need to make sure we're present whenever we're speaking with them or asking them questions. What else can we do?

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Well, I think we can use their names a little bit more. In fact, there was a book written probably a hundred years ago by Dale Carnegie. It was titled How to Win Friends and Influence People. I am always delighted when I hear that even some college students today are still reading that book because it was revolutionary in the way of communication. I believe it was originally written for the sales, the typical salesman in those days. He was the salesmen were going door to door and they had to quickly earn trust with a potential customer. As soon as that woman opened the door, you know, they gotta throw the dirt in and bring out the vacuum. Um, so there's great advice in that book as far as uh Dr. Carnegie says that our own voice, I'm sorry, our own name is the sweetest sound in any language. So let me repeat that, say it right. Our own name is the sweetest sound in any language. So when parents are using their child's name to start a conversation, you are connecting in a way physiologically that you might never have thought of. That you're using the child's name, you're identifying them, you're acknowledging them, and you're actually respectfully communicating with them, and they're more likely to respond to you in a different way because you're kind of asking them to pay attention to you. And then the second part of that is then you got to make eye contact with them as much as you can. Now, if you're driving and the kids in this you know, passenger seat with you, of course, you gotta be safe. But when you're having those conversations with your kids, it really is important for you, as we've already said, is to drop everything and sit with them and look at them and let them know that you are present. Um, and then asking the right kinds of questions and then listening. So I have this um this I have cards, they're actually camp chat cards, and directors of summer camps for kids use these cards to teach communication and conversation skills within the week at camp. And so the fourth rule of effective conversation is to listen for keywords. So this is another way to really communicate with your kids on a new level, is as they are giving you information, you want to respond back to them using some words they actually used. That is an indication that you're hearing them and that you are sincerely interested in what they're saying. So I call that listening for keywords, and often keywords are nouns or they are emotions or words that describe emotions. Even the word best, my best friend, you can pick up on best as because that's that denotes excitement or happiness or something good. And then friend is a noun. So if if um if your child says, I had lunch with my best friend Joe, there's a lot of ways you could respond using one of those words back. You could say, Well, what makes Joe such a good friend? Or uh what do you look for in a best friend? And you it opens up opportunities for you to learn a little bit more about what motivates your child. And when you know what motivates them, is it relationships, is it achievement, is it acknowledgement? Uh now you can discipline them in a way that is more powerful for them, right? And and you can provide them opportunity to grow in areas that give them motivation. So those are some skills that make your conversations better is you address them by name, you make eye contact, you ask them curious questions, and you listen. You listen for keywords to re to repeat back or to respond back to them.

SPEAKER_01 23:21

Yeah. I I know personally, um, you know, you can I've, you know, people who have used my names in conversations directly, most of the time, salespeople, like you just said, you do build that layer of trust with them so much more quickly. There is something wild about it. But one question, it like my son's name is Southern, but oftentimes I'll call him Bubba. Does that matter? Or is it the is it the real name, or does it does it really matter?

SPEAKER_00 23:44

I think if you have a pet name for your child, that that's a great way to connect even deeper because that's a term of endearment, if you will. So yeah, I think pet names or abbreviated names, if that's what the child is used to, I think that's great. Okay. Um, and if and you know, if you're with a doctor, you want to use a professional title like doctor or Mr. or Mrs. So that doesn't mean that you just say somebody's first name, you know, especially if they're 50 years older than you, but but you want to address them in a respectful way, whatever that is, uh for the occasion that you're in. Gotcha.

Shy Is Not Broken Build Skills

SPEAKER_01 24:20

All right. Well, this is all uh you're just giving us like so many little tidbits and tips. I love this kind of conversation. But before we run out of time and wrap up, what about um you you started the conversation by being, you know, saying you were told not to tell? And let's say we know our child is not being abused, or it they're certainly not being abused in our home. We're we're positive of that, but they're not using their voice. Is that telling us something? Or I mean, some kids are just more quiet than others. When do we look at that and think, maybe there's something else that I need to be noticing here?

SPEAKER_00 24:58

That's a really good question, Elizabeth, because a lot of parents contact me because their child is shy and they want them to be able to be more active at school or in clubs and things like that. And my first response usually is shyness isn't a problem. It's a personality trait. And even kids who eventually speak on stages, they can still be shy. I mean, you you don't want to make your child an extrovert if they're not, right? But what you do want to find out is are they comfortable speaking to people? Are they comfortable making friends? And if they could do things better in one of those areas, what would that help them with? What what could they achieve more of if they could make friends easier? If they knew how to contribute to a conversation. So I think it's a matter of not worrying about whether they're shy, but if they're constantly using the good, the fine in response to things, asking some of those curious questions might be the key to help them to open up more. Or you might just have to say, um, you know, how would you how would you what do you say when you want to make a new friend? Do you ever walk up to somebody and introduce yourself? And most kids don't have those skills unless they've been taught. So that's something that parents could help them to discover. I think we all want to contribute somehow to something. And right now our kids are at school, they want to be able to contribute, they want to feel like they're safe there, like they have good friends. Sometimes they just don't always have the skills to do that. So I think it's not a matter of if your kids are shy, you've got to fix it. It's a matter of find out what's making them uncomfortable in social situations and then help them to overcome that lack of comfort.

Resources Youth TEDx Talks And Wrap

SPEAKER_01 26:53

I love it. I love it. And you have classes and resources and things like that to act to do these things, to help parents do these things. And you you mentioned as well, you also work directly with children. Tell us a little bit about like what we'll make sure we link to everything. So it's super, super easy for people to hop over and find the information. But what kind of information can people go check out from your website?

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Well, you can go to speakfeedlead.org. But the best way to really find everything that we're doing is Jackie Bailey360.com because that's a hub for both my for-profit business and nonprofit business. And the best part about it is you can link directly to the TEDx talks that my youth clients have given. So they're all there, and you can watch those and see the brilliance and the magnificence that when given an opportunity, these kids can shine. You know, generally a TEDx talk is a problem that you have personally and emotionally related to, and how other people within your demographic or something like that have also found that to be a problem, and then how you solved it, and how you might suggest that someone use your solution to help them. That's basically the gist of a TEDx talk. And it is amazing when kids discover hey, I did solve a problem for myself, and I would be I'd be it'd be really cool if I could share with other people how they might solve it too, just by using my methodology. Um, and so even shy kids have given TEDx talks.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

But that's that's what I was gonna say. And don't be listening to be like, oh, my kid would never do that.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

You never know. You never know. It's it's just what I have learned is kid until they know that they actually have something to say, they will stay quiet. But once someone has helped them discover how they did learn from that experience that they had and how it's shaped them to know something different now because of that experience, then they are so willing to learn how to deliver that message in a in a bigger way. And what a life-changing experience. It it is, it's absolutely I I don't really know that I can say this. I have no scientific proof, but I really feel, Elizabeth, that none of the kids I've worked with will ever be tempted to take their own lives. And it's because they know their own value, they have empathy for other people and feel like if my story could matter that much, if I learned that person's story, I know that I would probably like them or they could inspire me. So they have a different view on everybody else on the planet besides they feel empowered themselves. So they're not tempted to let go of life. They're willing to face it and realize this next experience I have is just gonna be another teaching moment for me.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

And as parents, what more could we want for our kids for them to be empathetic and empowered? You know? That's it. That's it. Yep. So well, Jackie, I am so grateful to have had you here today. I have learned a lot personally. I'm sure everybody listening is. And again, if you're listening or watching, the links are right around you. Just you'll be able to find us. Go check out Jackie, see what she's got on her website and um the different resources. And again, just thank you for your time.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

I really appreciate you giving me voice today, Elizabeth. Thanks for listening, everyone.