Meet Amy And Her Path

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Welcome back to Speakout Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Amy Soloner. Amy is a parent and teen coach who specializes in adolescent well-being and supporting their development into resilient and on-purpose young adults, which is exactly what we're always here to talk about at Speak Out Standout. So, Amy, we're really excited to chat with you today. I'm really excited to be here. So let's just start with that. How did you get to the, you know, give us, give our audience a quick rundown on how did you get to this point in your life where supporting and building confidence and communication skills in kids and teens is your thing. How did you get there?

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Well, I started out as a therapist almost 30 years ago. It's a really long time ago, working with children and families in community mental health and then with families of children with developmental um challenges. And uh then I had my own children and I moved into the world of birth and babies and um started putting my attention there. Uh and about 10 years ago, I was having my own health challenges. So I went back to school to become a nutritional therapist. And I joined a nonprofit that was working with teens, and I started to pull all this information and experiences that I had from my previous work, um, from my own health journey. And then I had started having teens myself. I have a stepson who is now 26. I have a daughter who is in college and 19, and my youngest is 16 and has started driving. So I just kind of followed along their trajectory. And in this nonprofit, we were working with life skills for young adults and really remembered why I had started working with um teens to begin with. It's um it's such a powerful age. And um, so I started pulling all these things together and launched my practice um six years ago, my private practice, and I've been going ever since, providing parent support groups, working with teens, and all the way through college. I have kids in middle school, high school, college, and um parents from that whole spectrum. And through that process, you know, of course, what comes up a lot are relational challenges, both between parents and teens, between teens. Doesn't matter. And so that's where I began to specialize in building resilience. I love it.

Calm First To Lower Heat

SPEAKER_01 3:13

And I obviously a very much needed uh profession in our world. I wish that every kid and every teen could work with someone like you, thinking about it like as a teen myself, what a difference that would have made for me growing and in, you know, evolving to have an expert to be able to talk with. So, well, you know, one of the things that we talk about here is how to build confidence and communication skills in our kids at home. And um, I know that confidence or both of those are obviously a big part of what you do, but uh you focus on what you call the seas of communication. Yes. Um let's dive into that. What does that mean and and how can we use those to build better communicators for sure?

SPEAKER_00 3:54

So I in my work, I started to I built this communication map that I started using that was based on nonviolent communication as well as understanding deeper needs. Um, Tony Robbins happened to lay out basic human needs in a in a very distinct way. So I kind of combined these pieces together and started working with families, with couples, with whoever was dealing with um, you know, typical family disputes, fighting, you know, the usual behavior, and realized that there were some some kind of foundational pieces that if we focused on these certain things, it seemed to make things a lot better. And so the C's of communication um really relate back to our attack, our attachments, our communication style, um, and deeply our connection to each other. So, and our nervous system. So the first C of communication is calm, which doesn't mean that we always have to be calm all the time. We're humans, we have a range of expressive uh expressiveness, but what we have to understand is that we can't solve a problem from an emotional state. When we're in our limbic brain, which is that emotional part of our process and where young children live in their world before their prefrontal cortex starts to develop, we have to be our kids' prefrontal cortex, which is the place where we organize, um, structure, and problem solve. So, what I started to realize is that we can't start a conversation and have it just be an argument and think you're gonna solve the problem. It doesn't work that way. So we have to get ourselves to a regulated state and have the environment be a calm environment for us to be able to solve the problem of whatever the challenge is, which is usually an unmet need or unmet needs between the people. So we have to get to kind of a neutral ground before we can um figure out what that is and to be able to hear each other in a good way.

unknown 6:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

The second one is consent. Can I stop you real quick before we move on to the second one? So I let's say I am having a conversation with my 13-year-old and he's very upset with me because I won't allow him to do something his friends are doing. What can I do in that situation? And I'm getting frustrated too. What like what can I actually do in that situation to bring the temperature down? Is it walk away? Or what like, do you have any strategies? Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Um so the first thing is to acknowledge that you're being elevated, right? Like, if we can recognize, like, okay, let's just pause for a second here, right? And if we know and we have agreements in advance, and we've talked about this or when we are calm, um, to be able to say, you know what, we're both getting kind of escalated here, and I don't think we're gonna solve the problem this way. Why don't we take a breath? Okay, we can do that together if you need five minutes and I need five minutes, but let's come back together and see if we can hear each other in a better way. Um, it's really just acknowledging and what you're doing in that moment as the adult, too, because their prefrontal cortex is still coming online. So they're not gonna go there first. They're gonna get emotional first, right? But our job as the parents is to begin to recognize and be the one to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, wait, let's take a breath here. I hear you. I hear that you're having big feelings about this, and I want to understand it. And this comes back to one of the C's, which is connection, is that we want to acknowledge that, okay, you have something that's really important to you, and I have things that are really important to me. But I am going to model and use my capacity to say, okay, let's just pause for a second. This is important. Let's make sure we're in a good place to really listen to each other and have a conversation. So let's take a breath.

unknown 7:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Okay, perfect. I love it. Yeah.

unknown 7:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

So then our second C is consent, which means that if we're going to talk about something, we want to make sure that everybody is on board and in a space to talk about it. You could, your kid may come to you at a you're in the middle of cooking breakfast, doing all the right every time. They're coming to you when you're focused on something else. And the what we have to learn in practice is consent and say, is this a good time to talk? Right. And we can do the same to them, right? We want to handle something. We're like, and they're in the middle of a game, they're in the middle of homework, they're in the middle of something. And it's like we we have to do it both ways. It's a respectful way of making sure that both people are like, oh, we're gonna have a conversation right now. Can I have that conversation right now? Because what I find a lot in ruptures is that sometimes it's just misaligned timing and we're not reading each other or attuned to what's happening to each other. So attuning is a big part of relating is, oh, is this a good time? And our kids aren't aware of that yet, but we can begin to show them, you know what? I really want to hear what you have to say. But right now I gotta focus on breakfast. Can you give me 10 minutes and I will be with you and we can sit down and talk about this?

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Right? Consent. Consent is important to have deeper conversations so that both people are ready to have it.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

I, you know, I've always like uh looked at it as we hear, you know, in movies and things like that. The parents are always like, we need to have a talk. You know, and and so I like the way you like you changed it. Like, you know, are you good to have a talk right now? We need to we need to have a conversation. And when you were saying that, you were making me think about a situation that I had with my husband just the other day, and he came home from work and it had been it had been an exceptionally long day for him, and I was frustrated about something and immediately went to explain to him what I thought he had done wrong. You know, and and it was, and while it was a valid conversation, that was not the time. And had I respected that and just thought for a second that I'm just waiting on him to get in the door, so I can tell him what I think. You know, um, but had I had I realized that or started the conversation differently, it would have had a completely different outcome. Exactly. That's that's a great, great point. I love it.

A Simple Map For Needs

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Exactly. So consent. The next one is actually communicating, and this is where the communication map comes in, is actually communicating our observations, our feelings, our needs, and our requests very clearly. And I I offer people this map because it when we are heightened, it's sometimes hard for us to find the words. But our work is really listening underneath because feelings are not facts. Feelings are fleeting. They they come and they go, they're like waves. But if we attach to the feeling and focus on how we're feeling all the time, we lose what's underneath it, which is the deeper need that we might have. The need for certainty or uncertainty, the need for belonging, the need for um to feel like you are um doing something important. We have these six basic needs that we all have, but sometimes we don't realize that our feelings come up because we're not feeling met in that need. And so if we can break it down and instead of blaming and saying, you were this and you were that, we can say, you know what, I observed when this happened, I started to feel this way. When when you walked in the door, so let's say I'm your husband, when you when I walked in the door and you started talking to me about what I had done wrong, I started to feel defensive and uh confused. And my need is to, you know, have some space to get myself back together before I'm available for conversation. Can we, and then here comes the request next time, if you could please just ask me if I'm ready for a conversation. So you see how it the communication map kind of titrates everything down into these very specific, um, very brief things that don't take us on the roller coaster of the emotion, still acknowledges the emotion, but doesn't take us through that and then pulling all the reasons why and the what used to happen, and you've done this before, and this is a pattern, but this moment in time, let's just focus on this moment in time and what it is that's deeply underneath my need and why I might have come back at you, right? Yeah, so um, using that map and being able to communicate from your perspective, right? Not blaming, not focused on the other person and what they never do, what they always do. It's I felt this way. This happened objectively, I felt this way. This was the need underneath it, and this is my request going forward. So it's it's very simple, but it's not easy.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

That's what I was about to say. It sounds so simple, but I know like in practice, it certainly actually takes practice.

Curiosity Instead Of Reaction

SPEAKER_00 13:04

It does take a lot of practice, and that's why um I give these to my clients and I have them print them out and keep them up. And when it's time for a conversation, they can say, okay, let's let's how use our map to get through this conversation because it can help to keep things steady. Um, once we've gotten calm, once we have consent, now we get to communicate our needs and feelings. Um, the next C is curiosity. So this is where listening and not having reaction is really important. And this is the work that we each have to do to understand that we are two humans, and our goal is to be collaborative. It's not to be um adversarial. And we do, we get into these places and these roles and these ways of polarity of, you know, I'm right and you're wrong. Yeah, we have to stay out of that polarity, it doesn't serve the relationship. When we are curious, okay, help me understand why that feels that way. Help me understand what you're thinking, help me understand what caused you to do this. And this is really important with our teens, especially. It's of course important with our partners, but with our teens, it's really important because they perceive our why did you do this? What happened, you know, and the intensity of when we're like, when they've made an impulsive move, which is part of their nature and adolescence, they are again, their brains are rewiring, and impulsivity is just a part of their their own natural curiosity and what's happening in their learning. And so they are gonna do silly things, right? And we may be appalled or scared, and a lot of times we're scared, and that's why we get upset. What were you thinking? Right. So instead, my my encouragement is always to again take a deep breath and really put on your curiosity hat and not when we're listening to somebody else, is not coming up with our response, but really truly listening to what was happening for them. Because when we do what we're telling our teens is you what you're feeling and experiencing is valid. You have you're having your own experience, and I want to understand it. You don't have to be just like me. But you are your own human, and I want to know, and I don't, and when we don't judge, but we get curious, we can we can express our like concern. Wow, that makes me really scared or that makes me really nervous, but not don't you ever do that again, right? Because all that's gonna do is shut down the connection between you and your child. What they need more than anything is a feeling of you are a safe place when they make mistakes, that they're gonna feel safe to come back to you and tell you about it because there's not judgment, there's curiosity.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Yeah. I think, and that is, you know, it is that's something I personally have been trying to work on over the past few years of uh responding, not reacting, you know? And um, because after you react a couple of times to them, they're going to expect that reaction and therefore they're not gonna come to you, just like you said. And um, and that that's tough, but it is it is we if more than anything, we want our kids to feel like we are there for them and they can talk to us about anything. And so it's work if you're especially if you're like me, who like I'm gonna, I I've got to respond to everything, you know. Exactly. But it's well worth it.

Clarity Through Reflective Listening

SPEAKER_00 16:40

Exactly. And the caveat I like to say to parents too is that this is not about perfection. Please do not take this as like there is a perfect way to do this because you are going to make a mistake. You are going to react at some point because you are human and you have your own nervous system and your own triggers and things that are real. But the beauty of this process is that again, that's another rupture. You can go back and repair. You can go back and take responsibility and say, you know what? I'm so sorry. I came at you or responded to you in a way that actually came from my fear and not really what I wanted to say to you. And what I wanted to say was, wow, that must have been really hard. And I'm sorry that if you didn't feel like I was there for you. That kind of repair when we make a mistake means everything. Again, you are modeling humility, you are modeling self-responsibility. This is what we're wanting to teach our kids is that it's safe to take responsibility because defensiveness and withholding and not sharing comes from a place of not feeling safe. And connection is our greatest tool for our kids to feel safe, that they can come to us, that we are there and we connect before we correct. We we feel connected. I'm probably gonna have to add this one into my C's, but we need to connect with them before we make corrections, and all this process consent, um, curiosity, um, being present with them in the conversation is a part of that connection. So the last one is clarity. And this is an important one because this clarity is what lets your teen, your partner know that you understand what it is that they're experiencing, and that is using reflection. So when somebody says, and this is why we don't want to be thinking this is uh why curiosity is important and staying in the curious mind and not going to, oh, but this and this is my side, and this is you know, you don't understand why I right take a deep breath and we reflect back what we hear. Okay, so what I hear you're saying is this, this, and this is that, did I get that right? When so I mean, how does it feel when somebody, when, when you when so you're upset and somebody says, they could say, Okay, yeah, I get it, but do they? Yeah, when you reflect back and you demonstrate a level of clarity of understanding, and before you launch into your own thing, is to say, Wow, okay, I understand. I understand why you did this, I understand what was happening for you. That must have been really hard. Again, this allows for this connection, it allows for the sense of safety that they can be. And then we start over again and we ask for consent. Do you feel complete? Do you feel like you've shared everything you need to? Can I tell you what my experience was? Right. So now we've asked for consent as the person who's on the receiving end of somebody who's upset, to be able to say, is it safe enough? Do you feel hurt enough for me to now tell you what happened for me in this situation? Yeah. And now, if they've given you consent, their heart and mind are open to hear your side. They don't feel defensive, they may not feel as defensive that you're coming back, like, okay, well, yeah, you felt that way, but here's how I felt, right? Right. Because we want so much to be heard ourselves too. But again, we have to go through that same process and teach them to do the same thing. Okay, stay curious. You tell me what you heard me say, right? And you can coach your kids to be able to do this same process and be on the other side, which helps them develop these very important skills that I think that I'm observing and seeing in the data that our kids are missing. They are missing these human-relating uh um uh opportunities to be in relation with another human and go through rupture and repair safely. Most of us in our nervous systems either avoid or we fight, or we freeze and shut down when things come up. And it's important to know our own patterning and as parents to observe our kids' own patterning to help them find another channel to um safely try. And it doesn't have to be fight, it can be a nervous system in safety that's able to have a deep conversation, which is what we would call the sympathetic nervous system in safety, can have, can be in relation and communication with each other without running away, without shutting down.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

Yeah. And I was thinking too about, you know, especially the part of really listening and then turning the conversation back, you know, to me. So we are it's instead of just constant back and forth, it's really focusing on them first and then turning it back. So I can still say what I need to say. I just I can envision as you're saying that how that would make somebody feel heard, which of course we all want to be heard and understood. You know, like I'm one of those people. If I do something, I want you to understand every single detail why I did that, you know? And I it's it won't let like I can't rest until I know you understand why, you know. But I can absolutely see how that would work. And to be heard and understood by the people who mean the most to us, our immediate family, I I can absolutely see how that would tie right into building their confidence.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Yes. Because if they can confidently share what's happening for them with us, imagine. When they're in partnership, when they're in friendships, because I see this all the time. When my high school students transitioned to college and now they're making new friends, and now it's precarious. These aren't people that they have five, 10, 15 years of relating with. These are new people. And there's belonging, there's this need for belonging. And how do I show up authentically myself, communicate my needs and feelings without worrying that I'm either going to be ostracized or um taken over by somebody else? That there's this level of I know what's true for me and I know how to express it in a way that somebody else will probably hear better than me, either shutting down or yelling at them.

SPEAKER_01 23:24

Yeah. And that also going down the road of like their future careers and all of that, that's going to benefit them in everything they do, but also developing them as future leaders.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

Because you can't be a leader if you can't communicate with somebody about disagreements.

SPEAKER_00 23:38

100%. And you need this to know how to negotiate. Negotiation in every aspect. Negotiating with roommates, how to, you know, manage a space, negotiating with a boss, negotiating with colleagues. I don't, you know, I'm not a people pleaser. You know, do I fall into people pleasing or do I fall into do I have clear boundaries? And this is a way to begin to establish and having our kids know what are my boundaries? And if parents can respect your boundaries and parents can set boundaries and they can be respected, now we're we're learning all kinds of skills that are necessary in the world.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yeah. And this seems so opposite of, I mean, I I had a great childhood. My family is fantastic, but I do feel like I was raised to be a people pleaser. And I but I feel like that is common for our generation, you know? So I am so glad that these are conversations that we're having because I don't want my kids to feel like that. Exactly. Um well, this has been a fantastic conversation. We are already almost out of time, but can you, before we wrap up, can you list the C's again? And obviously, we're gonna link to your website so everybody can download that. But if you'll just list them again, so they're fresh in my brain.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

So C is calm, uh, consent, communicate your feelings, needs, requests um from your perspective, curiosity, and clarity. And all of this is to develop a healthy connection with each other and the capacity to communicate well. Great.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

And then I wanted to tap on one other quick thing. You mentioned this a little bit ago, but about repairing after ruptures, which I think, you know, that is such a relatable thing, I think, to anybody listening who has teens, there have there certainly we don't always do it perfectly, like you said. And um, you mentioned if we if we fail, how important it is to recognize that, to apologize. And um, do you have any other tips if somebody's listening there right now, like they're like, oh, my teen, he won't listen to anything I say, you know. Um, what what is the first step to rebuilding that connection if we're facing that?

SPEAKER_00 25:49

Yes. The first step I I tell parents is spend some time with your teen, not correcting them. Have spend some time being in relation with them in fun ways that maybe they choose. I I encourage parents to have um dates with their kids and to have the kids help design that experience, to do things that they want to do, even if the parent doesn't, and the parent, it's really important to be led by the teen. Um, to say yes as much as possible. We say no so often. We say no so often. And where are the places we can say yes? And we don't always have to say yes to everything. Now, definitely that is not holding clear boundaries and structure, but there are places, how many places can we say yes to them and say, I just enjoy your company, let's just enjoy. And if they're not ready yet, even just sitting side by side on the couch, you know, it can be a slow process for some families. Um, but if you have a relatively good relationship with your kid, um go let them lead, go where they go, and do something where you're not correcting at all. You're just connecting.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

And that is another one of those things that, you know, sounds so simple, but it when we really think about it, I mean, our job is to teach our kids, right? We are raising them and we're teaching them how to be good humans. Yes. And so much when you when I think back about like the things that I said to my kids yesterday, so much of it was correcting and not even like, you know, not even major things, but but still I'm I'm constantly I am who wants to spend time with somebody who's always correcting them is my point.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

Exactly, exactly. So do your best and say, you know, and you can even be honest about it. You know what? I feel like so much of our time is me correcting or making sure you're doing things. Can we just go do something fun? Can we just go be together? I really would love to just have that time with you. And if they're hem and hot, you just keep trying. Don't give up.

Download The Map And Wrap

SPEAKER_01 27:58

I love it. I think it's you know, as our teens, as our kids grow into teens, it can be easy to forget how fun they can be to be around if we put if we put in the effort, you know. Exactly. Exactly. Well, Amy, this was a fantastic conversation. I learned a ton. I'm gonna be downloading your communications map. And um, we will link to that. So if you're listening or watching, the links are gonna be right there. So you can hop over there and download that as well. It's a freebie she has on her website, and you have other resources, and people look into working with you if they want to learn more. Yes, right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

We'll have I run a support group. Um, it'll I'll have a new one starting in the fall where I I have my entire resilience model. Um, and this is one of those modules is about communication, but there's so many other pieces. So, yes, there's so much available for parents. Fantastic. Um, and is there anything else you wanted to add before we go? No, I think that's it. Just yeah, reach out if you have questions or um are curious of any more.

SPEAKER_01 28:59

Yeah, well, this was great. Amy, thank you so much for your time and thank you for listening. Thanks.