Welcome And Lorraine’s Journey

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Lorraine Connell. Lorraine is a TEDx speaker, a movement builder, author, and founder of Peers, Not Fears, and the Speak Boldly Showcase, two platforms redefining what leadership looks like and sounds like. And you know that everything we do here is all about building confidence and communication skills. So, Lorraine, you are our perfect guest. So excited to have you here today and to learn from you. Thanks for being here.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Thank you. And I love what you're doing too, Elizabeth. I think you, in your uh introduction, you share that you were the shy kid. And I think so often we label kids, we label ourselves. And it's really, really hard to get out of the box once we've put that label on.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Yeah, absolutely. And Tawala, I want to talk about all of that and all kinds of things. But before we dive in, first just tell us a little bit about how did you get to this place in your life where building confidence, building communication skills, growing leaders is your thing. How'd you get there?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

So I very much like you was a shy, reserved kid in high school. And I didn't realize that I carried that into my adult life. Um, but I did. I spent 20 years as an educator and I was great in the classroom. But as soon as I stepped out of the classroom, I would feel this fear that I didn't have a good enough story, my voice wasn't good enough, and all of those things. And it was when my students reflected that same expression, that same emotion to me that I was like, what's happening here? Why are the students that I see as incredibly confident and nurturing and excited kids, why aren't they willing to step into challenges that face them? And, you know, as the story goes that I was faced with a challenge in COVID, like many teachers were, and I decided that I needed to do something bigger, something better. And I left teaching and started an organization that empowers kids to empower other kids. And I I knew in my heart that this had a place, but it wasn't until I saw it happen that I was so excited and I'm really like so energized by the results. I did a program in the middle school near me. It's called the Peer Impact program, where I teach kids, they learn, they teach other kids, and 100% of the students that were involved, the youth that were involved, gained confidence. 100% of them increase confidence.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Oh, wow. That's pretty incredible. Yes. I will just, you know, just chime in to say, you know, since we do do similar things, there is nothing more incredible than watching a young person. And I'm sure it's the same with what watching adults too, but we work with young people, right? You know, it's watching them come out of their shelf and really because once they have confidence and who they are and using their voice, it just opens so many doors for them. It's just so incredible to see.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Yeah. And and really it all started with this concept of stepping outside of your comfort zone, right? And so that's kind of where I wanted to share with your audience is that this belief that stepping outside of your comfort zone is the only way to grow. And there's truth in that, but if you think of the comfort zones, there are three of them. And so I'm gonna ask you to close your eyes and imagine three concentric circles, circles on top of one another. The zone in the middle is your comfort zone. The third zone that's

Comfort Zone, Challenge Zone, Panic Zone

SPEAKER_00 3:55

furthest out, that's your panic zone. That's when we fear, uh, we feel the fear, the anxiety, the survival mode. In between those two circles, that's where the challenge is. That's where we grow. So when you say to somebody, step outside of your comfort zone, you gotta let them know that there is a zone that's too far out.

unknown 4:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

And if we don't acknowledge that, then we're like, no, I'm never stepping outside of my comfort zone. It's too scary.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Right, right. And so, you know, we talk about um like but going back to like the core concept of confidence, right? So what you one of the things you talk about too is we're not just necessarily built born with confidence, right? We it is something we literally have to grow, and especially in our kids, something we have to help them grow. Can you teach confidence or is it something that somebody has to build themselves?

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Uh you I think you can. And the work that I do through playing games is a great opportunity for us to talk about why did you take that risk, right? So I play this game, it's called Secret Agent, and it's a circle of spots. And the goal is for the person in the middle to steal a spot from somebody around the circle. Now, there's no rule that says you can't stay on your spot. There's no rule. But eventually the kids want to switch spots, and then they want to take a bigger risk and go across the circle. And at that point, I'll stop the game and I'll say, why? Why did you do that? And they'll say, Because it was fun. It was more fun, it was boring standing on that circle. And so that's where the building comes in, right? You so you talk about you stay in your zone of comfort until you're bored. And once you're bored, you try something new. And in that trial is where you're starting to build that confidence and find that you can do more than you really think you can. And so the work that you're doing is practicing, right? So you I'm gonna guess that one of the things

Building Confidence Through Games

SPEAKER_00 6:10

you do is you start by having a conversation with somebody close to you. And then you start by sharing that conversation with somebody maybe you don't know. And you just keep extending that zone of comfort out a little bit further without saying, go stand up in front of this audience that you don't know and give a speech, right? Like that's that's the opposite of building confidence. That's smushing it and eroding it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

So, well, how do we do this at home? Like, uh, you know, there are obviously there are courses, there are games, there are lots of opportunities that parents have, especially in today's world where there's so much virtual learning. You know, we're not tied to just what's offered here in our town, but this is something that as parents, we need to be focused on and doing at home. So when you're talking about um, you know, pushing them a little bit outside their comfort zone, the first thing that comes to mind is encouraging them to try out for a sport that maybe they're just not really sure about. But other than that, like what can we do?

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Well, I think giving a common language to different zones is really foundational, right? So if I'm a mom and I'm talking to my seventh grader and I'm like, how did you feel today? And their answer is it was awful, right? Okay. But if I'm saying, what zone did you feel like you were in most of today? I was really in my panic zone a lot today. Okay, what put you in that panic zone? And so now we're having a conversation. What could you have done to maybe bring you back into your challenge zone? Where, you know, or was today really boring? Why was it boring? Did you do anything that was new and challenging? So that's where I would start is like drawing three circles bigger, bigger, bigger, and then talking to your children about like, did you know that mom has a really hard time like driving, right? So I don't like driving in really busy places. I don't like getting on the highway, but I do it. And the more I do it, the hard the easier it gets, right? And so we we start to normalize the things that seem so easy to everyone else. Yeah, right. And that's that again, coming back to the belief that either you have confidence or you don't. So if I'm telling my child that making friends is hard for me, that kid then says, Oh, then it might be normal that that makes me feel uncomfortable, right? And the difference between feeling uncomfortable and feeling like you're in survival mode are really different, but we don't talk enough about the differences to know what it feels like to be challenged and uncomfortable versus in panic mode where you're shutting down, you're pulling back, you're hiding. Or you're getting angry, right? That's one of the survival modes is to to fight. And a lot of times our kids are fighting at us because we've pushed them too far out of their comfort zone.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Well, so if I like the visual, and I can absolutely see how showing that to a child or teenager would certainly help them understand. But you mentioned, so we have the comfort zone and the panic zone. What did you call the the challenge zone? Or what was the middle one? And how do we like break that down to them?

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Yeah, so the middle zone is that growth zone, that challenge zone. And

A Shared Language For Big Feelings

SPEAKER_00 9:40

you can call it whatever you want, the middle zone. It's just in between. And my challenge zone is gonna look different than your challenge zone. My uh, my comfort zone is gonna be different, and that's that's the conversation. So when it feels really easy, kind of boring, that's comfort. And it feels safe and that's good. You should be sometimes in your comfort zone, but that challenge zone is where it feels like I'm trying something new, I'm not sure what it's gonna look like, what's gonna happen, I don't know, but I'm willing to give it a shot. Right. Or it's like, I know this is really scary, but I'm gonna bring a friend with me. And my friend is comfortable doing this. So while it might challenge me or put me in my panic zone if I'm doing it by myself, my friend who's in their child or their comfort zone is gonna make it easier for me. I use this example all the time. So, my I'm a mom of two boys and I'm married to a man, and all three of these men in my life hate spiders. Some hate more than others, and I'm not afraid of spiders. So when a spider is evident and or scares one of them, they scream and run for me, right? And so I'm not afraid of the spider. And so what I'll do is probably talk them through. I'm gonna get the spider-minute tissue. It's really tiny, it's not gonna do anything. And and that is challenging me a little bit more than just seeing a spider and ignoring it. Yep. Right. And for them, they're hearing my conversation and they're like coming down out of that fear and panic zone. The opposite is true for dogs. For me, a dog is scary. I am intimidated, I'm scared because I don't know what that dog is gonna do. And it's big a lot of times, right? And so my husband and I, he has no qualms about dogs. We'll be out on a walk. And if I'm alone and I hear or see a dog, I'm gonna turn around and go the other way. When I'm with him, he says, Hey Lorraine, do you see that dog up ahead? I can hear it barking. The bark sounds really kind of like a friendly bark to me, or I can see the dog's tail. Do you also see the fence that's separating us? And so his challenge is that he's not walking past this dog and not even looking at it. My challenge is coming down and listening and realizing that I can walk past this dog.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Yeah. And I think that's that's great to be able to like normalize things and be like, like you said, just because it's not an issue for you doesn't mean it's not an issue for me, or vice versa. And I think that's really important for our kids to know too. Like you were saying earlier, for them to be like, maybe this is normal. Maybe I'm not alone in this. I don't need to be ashamed of this fear. Yeah. One of the things that we oh I was just gonna say really quick, one of the things we always um ask our kids when we start a brand new class is um, you know, the what how does the thought of public speaking make you feel? And like, are you really excited about it? And we'll usually get like one that's like, yes, yes, yes. I love being this nerve attention. Um, does it make you feel physically ill? Maybe one. Everybody else in the middle, really, you know, like I don't love the idea. It doesn't make me feel like I'm gonna pass out, does make me feel really kind of uncomfortable, but most people are in the middle. And when they realize, okay, everybody else here is really kind of the same as me, it changes the whole vibe. And then all of a sudden that they're they're able to speak up a lot easier because they know that they're not alone in that feeling that they're doing something challenging that is challenging to everybody else too.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Yeah, and they say that public speaking is up on the rank of fear in line with death. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

That's I always tell my kids I said people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy, you know? It's crazy, which is wild. But but I mean, obviously as a as a child, I felt that way, you know. But that's one of the reasons it's so important that we help our kids overcome those fears because if whatever they want to do in life, they're going to have to, even if it's not stand up on a stage in front of people, they're going to have to be able to communicate with people they don't know in an uncomfortable situation.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Right. And the the more we can build the skill, right? By saying, like, okay, we're going to step a little bit further out this time, and we're going to step a little bit further out this time. I do also when I do these activities with the comfort zone with a group of kids, I'll start by saying, singing in your car. Everybody goes right to the middle, right? Singing in your car. Maybe you're with your parents, or maybe you're by yourself if you're of age to drive. It's easy to do that. And then when we step it out to like, okay, you're singing in a chorus. Uh, maybe that's a little bit edgier for most people. Yeah. How about singing a solo

Small Daily Reps For Bravery

SPEAKER_00 14:40

that you just picked up in front of an opera stage? You know, like, and then it's like everybody's scattered as far out as they can possibly go. This the same act, right? It's the same singing, but you're in a different environment. So that's the same understanding of like, okay, if I change the environment, maybe I can practice. And if I build the environment in a different way, I can practice something that's a little bit harder for me.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

What are some suggestions that you have for parents, like activities that we could be doing at home with our kids to help them, whether it's communication or just anything that's making them, you know, go to that panic zone. How do we change the activity a little bit? What are some things we can do?

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Well, I think identifying what it is that is the scary thing, right? Is it speaking? Is it singing? Is it driving? Is it making new friends? And then finding a way to make it easy, right? So I think of how hard it is to make friends, especially as an adult, or going into like a new school, if you're a homeschooler, maybe you're going in for a class or you're going to a Zoom room where there's new people and you're the only one you know, that's scary, that's intimidating. So, what can you do to build that awareness, build that activity? Well, start with having a conversation with the person in the supermarket, right? So, like my mom is there. I'm gonna go ask a question of this person in the supermarket. And if I can't get it done, I'm gonna like run back to my mom into my safe space, right? And so then then my mom and I are talking about why was it hard? Did you chat did was it that you didn't know what to say? Okay, let's practice knowing what we want to say the next time. And so we're just re-circulating the challenge so it's a little bit easier. Or if we found out this was so easy, then how can we make it a little bit harder so that you get more comfortable doing these things by yourself?

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Yeah. I think that, you know, as moms, we tend to, because when obviously our babies are little, we have to do everything for them. And it can be easier and faster. Think about like I always think whenever they're learning to tie their shoes and we're late, and how it's just so much easier just to do it for them and get out the door. But then you're gonna have a seven-year-old who doesn't know how to tie their shoes, right? And it's the same thing with communications. And that's what I try to really think about things when we are out and about. But just like you said, if we can't find something in the store that my son is looking for, instead of me going to ask, sending him to ask, or um in at the restaurant, having them order their own food. These little things, there are so many moments when they can speak for themselves if we would stop and let them do it. Right.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

And those little things, like you said, they they make the next step a little bit easier and a little bit easier.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Yeah. And I also think about like sort of having my brain speak out loud for me, like wondering, I can't find this. I wonder what options I have to help me find what I'm looking for, right? So, like having these conversations. Oh, I'm going to this playground. I don't know who's going to be there. I wonder what I could do to meet somebody new today, right? And and that's the other thing that I have available for your listeners is are these conversation starters. And conversation starters plant the seeds of something that allows you to be prepared when the things that really cause us the biggest fear of anxiety happen, right? So I think about going to the lunchroom in a new school or on the first day of school and how scary that feels. And how, like, if I don't know who I'm sitting with, I think of middle school where everybody's now in different schedules and I might not see my friend at school, what am I gonna do? If I just have to walk into that cafeteria and figure it out, I might not want to walk into that cafeteria. But if I'm having a conversation, like not on the way to school, that's never the time because that they're already in anxious mode of like, what's gonna happen? But like just on a walk in the summer. Like, have you ever wondered what it would be like to walk into a room where you didn't know anybody? What about if you were like going to the cafeteria at the new school that you're going to? What would you do? Or my favorite question is what if you saw somebody walking into the cafeteria and they looked lost? What would you do? And then there's no right answer, there's no wrong answer. We're just wondering, we're thinking about it. And then when it happens, your child is like, oh, I have an idea. Let me try it and see what happens. So it's if we go back to that spot switching game, you know, this is just switching to the spot next to me versus running across the circle and getting like really risking getting caught. Um, and so we're just stepping the

Conversation Starters That Reduce Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 19:50

ante up for our kids and letting them practice making mistakes, trying again, failing. I think I'm I I find that I love it when my kids make a mistake. Like, what did you learn? What what could you have done differently? And they're like, mom.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

But you're exactly right. You know, we think about things like if we want our, if our kid's gonna try out for the basketball team, do they wait to start practicing layups at the first tryout? Right. No, right? They're working on it leading up to it. It's the same with communications, you know? Yeah. The more you practice, the more prepared you feel, the more you think about things. And I think that goes for us with anything, pulling into a new situation. If we feel prepared, or if we do have to give a presentation at work or something like that, if we feel prepared, that even if we hate public speaking, we're gonna feel better about it than if we had no idea what we were gonna get up and say or whatever. And so when we think about our kids having these experiences for the very first time, how can they be prepared if it's never been presented to them? So of course it's going to be automatically going out to the panic zone.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Yeah. And also I think about like visualizing something that is hard, right? Like what and asking your child, like, what could you do to make that easier? Like what situation would that actually be like doing that layup? What would be easiest? And you know, for me who can't play basketball at all, I'd be like having the hoop way low. Right. And so I would be practicing and I would do it, and then I would feel a little more confident in lifting it up higher and lifting it up higher. It you don't have to be great at something right away. I think that's what we what we want and what we expect it should be, but it's not.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Right. Absolutely. Just like, I mean, talking about both of us being shy as we were kids and now we do this for a living. I mean, I would I became a news broadcaster. And you know, so it doesn't mean like you can absolutely overcome fears if you if you have somebody to push you. Because most of us, especially kids, are not gonna push themselves outside of that zone. No, because it's scary to do it for them.

unknown 22:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Or put them in a situation where they're bored and then they have to.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Right. So I I think of when kids are on their phone and they're they're just scrolling. And then I'll stop and I'll say, how am I feeling right now? I'm feeling like really excited and energized. And they'll be like, no, I'm kind of bored. And I'm like, I wonder if you can do something different.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

I wonder how that would feel.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Right. Right. Well, I tell us a little bit more about some of the things that you offer. And if you have any other like uh strategies or I know we you mentioned that you have the conversation starter. So if you're listening or watching, the links for those things will be right where we're at, but you can pop over and see those. But is there anything else that you want to leave with our audience that would be something that they could do today and that would help build these skills in their kids?

SPEAKER_00 22:48

Well, I have I created a workbook because I thought that you had to be a leader already. Like I needed all of those skills to be somebody who was a leader. And I also thought I needed a title. And I was like, I wonder what I could have had as a kid that might have helped me. And so the workbook has nine simple activities that are very much the comfort zone, how to have a difficult conversation. It like gives you a script on how to have a difficult conversation. What are your values? Like knowing what you value helps you understand why you may not jive with somebody else, right? So my value is empowerment. And if somebody else is taking the power away from other people, we're not going to get along very well. But if I understand why, then I might be able to show up a little bit different. I may be able to understand why they're doing. The other thing that's in this workbook is personal web. And so this is where I

Workbook Tools And Relationship Web

SPEAKER_00 23:55

put myself in the middle and I draw all the people that I'm connected to. And then I evaluate my relationships with them. Is this a relationship where I'm giving all the time, or is this a relationship where I am taking all the time? Is this a relationship where I do all the inviting? Or is this a relationship where I am equal with my partner, right? Or somebody else. And so this allows you to visually see the relationships in your life. And then there's no decision you have to make. You can just know that this person is maybe not a good person for me to be around. And then I can make the decision. Whereas before I did this personal web with kids, I would I would feel the mom in me being like, is that friend really worth your time? Like, do you really want to be that person's friend? And of course, when I have that conversation with my child, they're gonna say, Mom, you don't understand. And you know, they're right, I don't understand. But if they can visually see that this person has all the negative lines on it, maybe they don't want to be around that person so much. And I do this as a mom with my kids so that we can say, Oh my gosh, did you know that guy who you run across every day at the supermarket is really, really annoying you? Did you know that? Like, what if you change the time that you go to the supermarket or something like so benign and silly? So the workbook is also available. And in partnership with that workbook, as a teacher, I've learned so much from my students about leadership and how I misidentified kids as not being a leader when they were in fact leaders. So I talk about the the kid who was bad, the shy student, the um the student who wasn't smart, right? They weren't academically driven. Every single one of these kids taught me that they were leaders in their own way. And so I it there's there's stories of those kids in each of the chapters. There, it's really a reflection of the work that I started. And so I my hope is that as a parent or a teacher, you're reading this book and you're like, Oh, I know a kid like that. And they hand them the workbook, and that changes the trajectory of their life of thinking I'm shy, that's who I am.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

Right. And it literally just takes one person. I mean, for me, it was mistakes, you know, it just takes the one person that can make you believe in yourself that can change everything. So, and I love, I just wanted to add too, I love the web part and helping kids and teens identify relationships that maybe are more giving than taking, or you know, or vice versa. Yeah. And um, at an early age, because obviously, like you said, if we tell them, they're gonna brush it off. But what more do we want for our kids them to be happy, healthy, and good, kind people and for them to have happiness, they are going to have to learn to evaluate who they spend their time with and who they're around. And so I think as an adult, that's so important, but we don't always think about it being as important as kids. It's just a matter of us saying, you don't need to hang out with that person. Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Right. Well, and there are a lot of people in my life that are not good for me that you know it it takes me seeing it visually to be like, hmm, maybe I don't want to be in this job anymore or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Right. Well, I think these are some excellent tips and strategies. And so we'll be everything will be linked to, so it's easy to find. And um, you also do the the classes that you offer, are they virtual? Can people join those?

SPEAKER_00 27:39

Everything's virtual, yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Okay, and for kids and teens or age ranges or yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I I would love to be able to do group programming because I think when it's just me and another student, we're just or youth, it's just my voice they're hearing. But when I can drop the question and they hear from each other, it changes the game. It's really, really valuable.

unknown 28:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Well, thank you for what you're doing. Obviously, you know, building confidence and communication skills in our kids and teens is so important and something that we want for all of them. So thank you for devoting your life to this. So you're definitely making a difference and um a positive one for sure. So thank you. So, Lorraine, thank you for being

Virtual Classes And Closing Thoughts

SPEAKER_01 28:20

here. And again, all the links, be sure to go check out what she's got, some freebies, some classes you might be interested in. And as always, thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

Thanks.