Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Dr. Elise Murray. Dr. Elise is a licensed psychologist, certified life coach, author, and podcaster. She focuses on assertive communication, executive functioning, and ADHD. And today she is here to talk about something she knows both professionally and personally, how to talk to your kids in a way that builds confidence. So, Dr. Elise, thanks for being here today. Thanks so much. Yeah. So before we dive in and really get into the details that we want to discuss, how did you get to the point where this is your focus in life? That building confidence and communication skills and communication skills in kids is just what you do.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Yeah, well, I mean, I became a parent uh later in life than a lot of folks uh do, you know, and uh just the journey to becoming a parent was longer. It just gave me a a lot of uh opportunity to think about what I wanted to really focus on. And I just really felt like I want, and I'm sure we all do, I want confident kids. And, you know, what is really going to be key for that is to be able to parent them in a way where they feel like I have a voice. I can express who I am and what my needs and wants are, and that that is something that is going to really help them for the rest of their lives. So I've just really made that a key part of my relationship with them.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

I think that's great that you knew that going into it. I feel like I'm kind of the opposite end of this spectrum. We had our first child a little bit earlier than we planned. And I feel like that thinking of those things didn't come until way later. So it's great that you were like able to think about this in advance and plan for it. And if you're listening and you're like me and we're like, I did not really start thinking that, you know, we think about all the things we have to teach them, you know, tie your shoes, how to take a bath, all the things, but we oftentimes don't often, or you know, just lump in building communication and confidence.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

So yeah, so well, and I was extremely shy too. So, you know, I I think that influenced it just thinking about my old childhood experience where I was just like, How do I talk about this? How do I bring this up?

From Shy Kid To Coach

SPEAKER_01 2:48

You know, I was just like, I want my kids to experience more confidence with this.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Absolutely. Well, let me just ask you then really quickly, how did you reverse that? How did you get out of being the shy kid?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Well, I think just it, you know, being a psychologist, I mean, I went through lots of years of schooling and I was just really soaking up, you know, because uh I mean, the thing I think that for all of us, we tend to be particularly attracted to the things that we just directly relate to when we're studying psychology. And I was like, ooh, you know, communication, you know, I really want to learn about that. And so, yeah, I mean, my master's thesis was on communication, and I just really um, you know, was applying it to myself personally as well. So I think it was really in grad school where I just became more confident and then I started teaching and you know, that sort of thing. So it just became easier.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Gotcha. Well, that's great.

Peaceful Home Versus Connected Home

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Well, one of the things you talk about, we have several different facets of this that we want to discuss, but one of the things you talk about is there is a distinction between a peaceful household and a connected household, right? Yes. I think they both sound great, but they're not one and the same. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yes, yes, that is absolutely correct. And um I mean, I think of I think in a peaceful household, sometimes what can be happening is that the emphasis is on harmony, which sounds wonderful, but it can come at the expense of actually saying what you need and want. So I think, I mean, it's it's like when you meet a couple and they say, Oh, we never disagree, we never have a crossword with one another. I mean, I always find myself thinking, do you really talk about what's really important to you deep down? Because everybody, I mean, we come from different genetics, different backgrounds, you know, and then we form this relationship. And uh, you know, so obviously you're going to disagree. And the same thing with our kids. I mean, even if we're like, well, this is my kid, you know, then they are not you. And I think that we can make assumptions, we can kind of go back to, oh, when I was 10 years old, this is what I wanted, and you know, go into parenting with these assumptions. And if our kid feels like, well, I don't want to disappoint mom or dad, you know, and keep the peace, I don't want to rock the boat, then in my opinion, we're doing our kids a disservice with that. And so I think a connected household is one where we feel like we can respectfully um bring up differences of opinion. We can respectfully uh ask for what we need. And you know, I mean, I'll be honest, I mean, there were times where I felt my jaw getting tight because my kids would be negotiating, you know, I was like, oh my gosh, and then negotiation. Why can't I have this? I mean, and they'd give me their arguments where it's like, I, you know, this is perfectly reasonable, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, and I would just be like, okay, let them talk, you know, because I knew that the research says that if you let your kids disagree, if they learn to do that respectfully, if they learn to present their points in a cogent way, then they are going to be more successful in resisting peer pressure, for one thing. And that was really important to me. You know, I didn't want kids that felt unprepared because there's so many challenges in our world today. And of course, again, that carries forward when you look at kids becoming adults, when they need to talk with their manager about, you know, being parents themselves. Hey, you know, I want to be able to attend my kids' soccer game, or, you know, I would really like this opportunity at work. They have to learn to be able to do that respectfully. And so, you know, we provide the training ground when the stakes are not as high. And so I just really feel like if they can kind of muddle through, and maybe sometimes that it might sound like they're being mouthy, and we can gently say, okay, that's not respectful, and coach them, then it, you know, then I feel like we are really preparing our kids to feel, you know, we are connecting as a family and they are gaining confidence as a result.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah.

Attunement And Everyday Open Doors

SPEAKER_00 7:10

So how do we actually put that into play and and do that? And like you said, we let them disagree with us, let them do it in respectful ways and bring them back if it's getting a little heated, you know. But what does that actually look like in our day-to-day?

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Well, I think um, I mean, the in the first place, it's uh, and I'll try to, I mean, I'm aware I could talk about this for hours. So, um, but I think in the first place, it is really important to remember that your child is not you. Um and attunement means that from the time that our kids are born, we're taking in, you know, what is it that, you know, taking in their unique temperament, what is it that they're needing, what is it that they're wanting, even before they're verbal. And um, and obviously we're we are making assumptions, you know, at that point, but just really trying to, as they grow and develop, trying to be open to who is this little being and you know, what are the things that they are really leaning toward and interested in. And so, you know, as they become older, and so I feel like that's the foundation, rather than coming in and saying, I'm going to raise my kid to be XYZ. Yes, we have certain values we want to impart, we have certain priorities, but we also have to respect that, you know, maybe my kid doesn't want to, you know, get a part in the school play. Maybe my kid doesn't want to be an athlete. Maybe my kid is quiet and wants to journal. Maybe my kid, you know, has just different aspirations and interests. And so that's the first thing is being attentive to that so that they feel like it's safe for me to say that this is who I am. Um and uh and then I think providing those open door opportunities. Um, when we're looking at tweens and teens in particular, you know, what as they get involved with activities and and things, we're spending more time in the car with them. And the car can actually be a great place that kids know that I have your attention because it's you and me in the car, but at the same time, you're not staring me down. You're looking at the road. And so it's a good place for kids to bring up things that might be hard to bring up if they're just staring across the table at mom or dad. So um, so that's just an example. Um, but making sure that we are available at various points for them to bring things up. Um, I think this is one reason why there's a lot of research on how family meal times, you know, if you can arrange to have some sit-down together meal times where we don't have devices on and we can actually talk, that again, you know, there are positive outcomes that come with that because that's another open door opportunity. So making sure that those opportunities are available. Um and uh yeah, and then as far as when they do bring things up, then uh we can talk to them about what respectful communication looks like, you know, those starting with those basic listening skills and uh that sort of thing, modeling that ourselves so we're not shutting them down, talking over them, that sort of thing. Um yeah.

When Your Teen Drops A Bombshell

SPEAKER_00 10:48

What do we do in this situation? We're in the car, we're just driving along, and all of a sudden our teen says, Well, I didn't tell you, but and then they tell us something that's like shocking or like you did what or whatever, you know? And obviously we're humans, so we're going to react when we're surprised about things. Um, but but our reaction is going to make or break that experience, isn't it? And how do we how do we do that when we're in that we're told something surprising that without we're like without getting them to where they're like, oh, I'm not telling mom anything anymore. Right, right. What do we do?

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Yeah, I I absolutely. I mean, I think that one thing to remember whether we're in the car or not is you know to just really try to remember to breathe before responding. You know, if you practice with things that are uh a little bit less emotional, you know, then it's going to be easier to just remember inhale, exhale, and respond. And it's perfectly okay to say uh, to say, wow, you know, I'm glad you shared that with me. I'm gonna have to give that some thought, you know, or whatever. Like we don't have to have bang, you know, the the perfect answer right on the tip of our tongue, you know, but just just to say, you know, um, you know, thank you so much. And uh yeah, I want to mull that over or whatever, you know, depending upon what they've brought up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

I think that that, you know, I've been doing this podcast for a few years now, and that is I'm one of those communicators that I want to respond right away. And oftentimes I'm not responding with what is helpful. It's whatever the first thing that pops in my brain is not always helpful. And so being able to pause, walk away in a heated situation, it walk away for a little bit and say, I need to, you know, get myself together and then we'll come back and continue this conversation. But just that pause, even if it's for a second, and I love that you said like we don't have to have all the answers. We don't have all the answers, we don't need to pretend like we have all the answers. But with that, just understanding that I don't have to respond to this right away, is oftentimes the the smartest thing that we can do, where we they do feel like we value that they're confiding in us and we're not instantly junching to jumping to judgment or or whatever. Um what other like tips do you have in that realm besides like walking away or um or like just the pause,

Reaching The Quiet Child Without Pushing

SPEAKER_00 13:21

you know? How do uh when we're just trying to well, let me reverse this question a little bit. So let's say you have a child, I have one that will tell me everything, and then one that is just so quiet and it's hard to get much out of him at all. And I am bad about wanting to know what's going on all the time, you know. And if he just comes in and he seems down, like I'm worried, did he just get in a fight with his friends or whatever? And I will push him and to the point where he's like, I'm fine, mom, leave me alone, you know? So what do we do with those more quiet kids where we want them to know, hey, I'm here for you. But um, so we, you know, we show that we care, but we also, as parents, have to understand that they're not gonna tell us everything, or especially on our timeline. How do we handle that?

SPEAKER_01 14:07

Well, yeah, and uh, I mean, the first thing that's just very fundamental that uh that I learned when my oldest was in first grade, that she uh she came home after school and uh, you know, I I asked her, how was your day? And she threw her papers in my face and I was like, woo, you know, but I thought about it and I thought she has not had anything to eat since 11 o'clock. You know, I should not be asking her questions right away. So I was like, eat first, get a chance to have a nice cold drink, you know, and then I can just kind of check in. And and uh yeah, and it's not just first graders. I mean, I think that all of us, I mean, as adults, we come up for work, we're worn out, you know, we don't want to be immediately met with, hey, we need to sign up for summer camps. We're like, can I just, you know, have a few minutes, you know. So, so I think providing that kind of respect, you know, to your kid to kind of think about they need to get themselves together. And then I think also just uh again, the things that we do when they're not highly emotional, you know, just having those carry over that if you it sounds a little cornball, but I remember reading about how the Obamas uh said to their daughters around the dinner table, you know, like from the time they were young, about what's your um your rose, your thorn, your bud. So the rose being like what was really great that happened today, the thorn being like what kind of sucked today, and the bud, like what are you hoping for tomorrow? You know, just as an example of just, you know, sort of like so that they got experienced with bringing up things that were, you know, going on with them. Um, you don't have to use that specifically, but I think, you know, sometimes thinking not just how was your day, but you know, just being like, uh, hey, I know you had that uh that history test, you know, how are you feeling about it or whatever, you know, so it's a little more specific. And if they if they if they say, I don't know, you know, then I think that is normative teenage response that they don't necessarily want to get into it right then. But I think if you can just say, say, oh, okay. I mean, if you want to talk about it later, I'm here. And then that's it. You know, like I think when you do that, then you know, they figure out that, okay, they're not gonna needle me, they're not looking for a specific answer, you know, um, because I'm afraid if they keep asking me, I'm going to reveal that I completely drew a blank on the essay section and I'm probably gonna bomb like all these things that might be going through their head, right? That's why they say, I don't know, you know.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

I'm glad that you brought that up because I feel like that's my current situation with my youngest. It's hard to get much of anything out of him, especially about the school day. It's always the same. You know, if I if I say how was your day, which I've learned you don't say that anyways, because it's gonna get boring, you know, like that's that's you know, so I have to say things like, Who did you hang out with at lunch today? You know, like you know, more specific things. And even still, sometimes it's hard to get responses, but you brought up, I mean, just something so simple of he's just kind of coming home from school and decompressing. He does not want to be interviewed at that moment, and I'm asking probably questions that normally he would be fine talking with me about at the wrong time. And I think that's such like a simple thing, but that can change the entire conversation.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Writing As A Safer Way To Talk

SPEAKER_01 17:59

And another thing, just thinking about making it safer, you know, to talk uh when it might be difficult. Uh one thing that uh one of my kids, in particular, the other one was just more kind of just speaks off the cuff, like you say, you know, but the other one, a little bit more thoughtful. Uh but um one thing that he grew up doing, like when he really wanted something and he was upset that he felt like he wasn't going to get it, you know, he he learned uh to just go off to his room and write, you know, just to write, you know, what is it that I'm wanting? What is it that are reasons, you know, that sort of thing. I didn't like give him an essay assignment, but I just um I talked with him about sometimes it's easier to get your thoughts together on paper than it is, you know, to speak your mind at that moment. And you can always hand me what you wrote and then we can talk about it, you know. So he would end up doing that, you know, he would, you know, write out something and on notebook paper and come in, you know, and like hand it to me and my husband, and just like, I'd like you to read this, and then if there's time later, we can talk about it, you know, and and it was it was great because he would just really he got better at kind of listing out these are the things that this is why this is important to me, you know, that sort of thing. And uh, and I think he probably saw me doing some of that too, you know, where sometimes I would just talk with them about, oh my gosh, lots going on. I need to, I need a few moments to just collect my thoughts, you know. If you can just kind of do this for a while, I'm gonna, you know, he would probably see me writing in a notebook myself. So he kind of figured out, yeah, maybe that's helpful. I don't know. But but that was a great tool with him.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Yeah. I love it. And I think we forget sometimes that communication does not have to be this back and forth. Yes. You know, there's many different ways that our kids can communicate with us, and we have to let them find what works best for them and then enable that.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Yeah.

Breaks And Agenda Check Ins

SPEAKER_00 20:09

One of the things you talk about too is um diffusing tense moments. And if you are listening and you have teens, you know, like there's going to be tense moments. And uh, and so besides just kind of the the walking away and gathering yourself, if I'm feeling like I'm getting, you know, overstimulated or frustrated, that's what I need to do. If I can see that they are and I'm fine, I'm calm, like ready to have this conversation. What do I suggest that they walk away and gather themselves? Or I know you have an agenda check-in that you suggest. Like what are our options when we can tell that they're just we're going down a bad path here. They're they're not happy with something that we have said. We've probably said no about something, and they're not happy, but we have to have this conversation. What do we do?

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Yeah, I mean, I think it's good to talk with kids in a calm moment about uh, you know, when when we keep trying to talk when we're really upset, then sometimes we can, you know, not be good listeners, and sometimes we can say things that we regret later. And so it's it's really good to say, I need a break, and to, you know, take some time to calm down and to let them know sometimes we parents might do that, sometimes you kids might do that, you know, but it's really, really important to do that. And then you can always come back together and talk when things are calmer. Um, and if uh, you know, if there's door slamming, I mean, you could talk about it later and just like, you know, I know it's hard, but try not to slam the door, you know, that sort of thing. Um, and if we slam the door, obviously saying that wasn't cool, I shouldn't have slammed the door, like later, you know, so that they know that yeah, I it's not a double standard here. Um, but you know, so so that's one thing about yes, taking taking the break and helping them to picture in their head during a calm moment, what would that look like for me? What would I do during the break, you know, to help myself calm down? Would it help to have a notebook and kind of write down thoughts? Would it help to, you know, get some physical activity in, you know, because that'll release those stress hormones, you know, what would help? Um and then also talking about taking a break does not mean like not talking for two days. It means, you know, that you do get to back together, you know, when it's calmer and say, Hey, can we go back to talking about my wanting to go to that? party or whatever it is, you know. Um but I think I think in the moment, like uh in the first place, it's better to to add to suggest, to say, I think maybe it's time to take a break. You know, instead of saying you need to go to your room and calm down, which, you know, yeah, which sounds more like authoritarian and that sort of thing. We want them ideally to identify within themselves, I need a break, right? You know, so um so there's that. Um but I think also when things get tense then yes the agenda check-in just kind of it's hard to remember in the moment. It's easier like when you are taking that break to think about, okay, so what's my agenda here? What's their agenda? You know, like if I have an agenda of, you know, I want us to go to grandma's on Sunday because she hasn't seen the kids for a while and she really wants to see them. They have an agenda of wanting to go to the pool party and they feel like they should be allowed to go to the pool party why while we visit with grandma because it's boring to go to grandma's or whatever, you know, then kind of thinking about you know how can I honor my kids' agenda while at the same time, you know, they recognize that I ultimately make the decisions, you know, so I can I can hear them out. I can talk with them about you know things like I know it's disappointing. It sounds like it's a fun party, you know, uh or whatever it is, you know, um how about if we do this instead or you know how about if we go to grandma's and then we bring you to the party a little bit later, whatever it is. But you know, helping them to see that we are acknowledging their agenda. We're not just saying uh you've known about this for weeks. Why would you even think you could go to a pool party or whatever it is, right? Yeah. You know

Limits Without Power Struggles

SPEAKER_01 24:43

yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

Well and I think a challenge like maybe I don't know if anybody else deals with this, but I know in my world my oldest is 17 and he's the one that like you know just is very open and and we have a great relationship now but the ages from 13 to 15 were really rough. He was trying to grow up and I was not very tolerant of that. You know and it's I didn't want to be the because I said so parent but I also felt like at times if I would try to have a conversation about a situation like that, that he would feel like he could change my mind. And I didn't also didn't want him to think that he could talk me out of things, you know? Right. So I think there's like there's this balance that we have to be able to let them know that we understand them and we can communicate with them, but without giving them the false hope that maybe they're gonna get out of going to grandma's because we're having this conversation. So are there any tips or strategies so that we don't go down that path and then start the argument all over again because they think that maybe they're gonna get what they wanted.

SPEAKER_01 25:47

Yeah well and and no kid is going to admit this maybe but uh they don't want like a buddy as a parent. They don't want a parent that is not you know setting clear limits and expectations because there's a lot going on when they're that age. There's so much that's changing really fast and it's scary you know to be taking on these new responsibilities and trying to figure out what your peers are doing and who I am and all that sort of thing. They they need structure they need to know that you know this is probably what's going to happen. They need to have some expectations you know of how that structure would be provided by my parents so um so I do want to make that clear that you know you don't want to just be like oh a party oh okay yeah well we'll just scrap this plan and and just keep like you know changing things based on what they they want because even though they might be like yes you know it's it actually makes them uneasy. I mean I I used to work with teenagers clinically and yeah they they just feel like it's kind of weird that they would sort of act like does my parent care that you know that sort of thing. Like my other my friend's parents you know would have more to say about this and just that kind of thing you know but they don't want to admit it and say you know I want firmer limits they're not gonna say that.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

Right. But of course everybody wants to know what to expect. And you know I think that we're all more comfortable in situations where we know what to expect.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

Exactly yeah and I think that if they can hear things like um you know not like we're doing like a scorecard or a tit for tat or anything like that but if we can hear uh things like uh you know with with um with more responsibility that more freedom accompanies more responsibility you know that that basically when when we see that you're more responsible you get more freedom when you when we see that you know you're struggling with the responsibility then you have less freedom and we are going to be more likely to be like saying no you know that sort of thing because you're not quite ready and and also just that in any relationship uh you know that we're not going to automatically say yes to everything it's not just you it's like you know sometimes um sometimes somebody else is going to get their way sometimes you are going to get your way sometimes we're gonna come up with a different solution together you know so it's not a matter of being unreasonable you know like and so again I mean you can say well I know that last weekend we said that was okay. This weekend though we need you to stay and do yard work you know um so sometimes if you can remind them you know that uh that yeah I mean I I think you know you have had some freedom this week but now it's time to work or whatever the thing is you know then I think sometimes that can be helpful because they can just kind of see the now and just be like I can't believe you're making me up on a nice day like today do this. It's like, you know right.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

It's easy to forget about all the things that you said yes to you know yeah leading up to that.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

And I think sometimes you know I think saying things like you know that happens with adults too you know that uh sometimes uh I might see a day like this be like yeah I would love to do that but you know the work has to happen too and sometimes the work happens on sunny days sometimes it happens on rainy days or whatever the example is you know that's just kind of the way life is bud so well

Teens Are Not A Self Fulfilling Prophecy

SPEAKER_01 29:41

Dr.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

Lisa you've had a lot of really great insights for us and I love the practical strategies of things that we can do at home. I I've already learned a lot from you.

SPEAKER_01 29:49

Is there anything else that you wanted to touch on before we have to wrap up and share with our audience well I I think just really coming back to the idea of attunement just really being uh that it's so important not to have that balance where yes we are providing like I need to help them to understand this I need to think about in the adult world they're going to need this so I need to impart this but at the same time recognizing I can learn from my kid too I can learn you know that they they see the world a little bit differently and to be willing to be receptive to that you know that uh okay you know if if this is what really lights them up, what can I do to help facilitate that in a way that's going to ultimately I always come back to if we're trying to prepare our kids to be well adjusted adults, you know, how is what I'm doing now promoting that so that when they are on their own, when the stakes are higher, they feel like I've had practice in this, I feel more confident doing this. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

I I love that you said like there are they do have totally different I mean obviously like you said we want to instill certain values in in them and that's important to every parent I believe but it is so important to remember that they have different thoughts and ideas. And you know we've been teaching speech and debate for five years now and we've taught over 14,000 kids and people ask me sometimes and I'm like we don't I don't think we're doing anything spectacular or like groundbreaking, you know what we're doing is we're asking kids their thoughts on topics that people don't normally ask kids and teens their top their thoughts on. And you can just see them light up by being able to have people listen to them, especially an adult on their thoughts about something. And so we had so much success with this in our classes and so I started doing I have like several would you rather books that we'll pull from sometimes and um this is just like a little side story but my when my youngest son was a little bit younger and his his friends were here all the time we have a pool so our house is the house. There's always always other extra kids here. And so um when they were here for dinner or something while we were working on dinner I would grab the book and they would always be like oh no we don't want to do school and then I would say all right you know the deal I'm gonna ask you a question. You have to raise your hand and then you have to give me your answer in the form like we we make them do like a little mini speech, right? And um and they would like groan until I asked the question. And then all of them like were like oh you know like I want to answer that. You know and it it was so quick it quit so quickly went from being school to them just being able to share their thoughts on something with people who are actually interested in it. And I think that's the magic. And sometimes I think we do have to ask our kids what their thoughts are on things and not assume. You know? Yeah. And just one like other little tidbit we were talking about taking a trip to the Caribbean and my youngest son did not want to go and I thought he was maybe afraid of flying. Turns out he didn't know that they would speak English where we were going. And that made him uncomfortable thinking we wouldn't be able to communicate. Yeah. How in the world I wouldn't have known that right thankfully he ended up bringing that up to me but it made me realize I should have been more specific with him what about this is making you uncomfortable you know and maybe I could have gotten that information a little sooner and eased his worries. But I think that you know just asking them what their thoughts are on questions is it they just they just light up to be able to share with us. And then listening and then if we disagree with them not being like you're wrong.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Yeah that's the hard part and that reminds me of yeah another thing that I think is so so important you know like you mentioned those those early teen years I mean they can be difficult because so much change is happening there's there's so much pressure there's hormones and all that sort of thing. But I think what I've encountered over and over is you know parents who just really like they they brace themselves okay here we go you know and I remember hearing this of just other parents saying oh wait until he's 13 he's not going to have anything to do with you. He's gonna, you know, like all this stuff. And and I feel like it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy you know where if our teenager comes home and he's a little scowly that we can be dismissive without realizing it just like oh here we go yeah you know they're going through puberty and and it just sets up this negative cycle where our kid can feel like yeah they don't want to hear what I have to say you know and it's such a shame you know I think that instead if we can just recognize our kid is not just a walking bag of hormones. I mean they've got a lot of wonderful amazing things that they that they can share with us we can have wonderful conversations with them and not to feel like these years are just something to get through you know that's going to be really difficult. And you know I just think that that's it's so sad when you know we set that in motion.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Absolutely and I think that's a very common thing of oh just wait just wait. It gets harder you know when people have kids and we talk and I mean obviously it is hard but but like you said not brushing things off as just oh he's just gone through puberty. He's he doesn't like mom anymore. You know what I mean? Yeah.

unknown 35:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

It doesn't feel good to them. Yeah. Yeah. Well

Free Ebook And Assertive Communication

SPEAKER_00 35:24

Dr. Elise again this was really enlightening and you have tons of great resources. So we will be we'll make sure we're linking to um your Facebook your Instagram all the places and you also have um I think a a freebie for our audience too that they can grab on your website.

unknown 35:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:39

Yes it's it's an ebook on assertive communication and so yeah good and and just really quickly before we jump out then can you tell us what is the just a a quick uh overview of what's the difference between authoritarian authoritarian communication and assertive communication.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

Yeah so in uh authoritarian communication basically that's like top down so it's like I am you know I am the authority I am telling you what to do um if you bring up your opinions then okay now you're rocking the boat you know we don't want that you need to just respect what I have to say and so we can end up talking over uh we can end up you know interrupting and not listening or you know like pretending to listen but we're actually kind of thinking of our argument which I mean I know we all do this from time to time but um you know whereas assertive communication is it's like authoritative parenting I know it's confusing authoritarian authoritative but I always think of IVE children with authoritative parents thrive IVE you know that's the way I remember whereas authoritarian they A N announce the rules um so you know with assertive communication authoritative parenting I mean we there it is very clear that yes I ultimately make the rules I set the structure but at the same time you know we are listening we are actively um interested in what the other person has to say so this applies to parenting this applies to you know just uh other folks that we deal with and um and we're able to honestly address our own needs and wants um you know while also respecting the other person and we're respecting the other person in by being honest uh while being tactful um so um because I think otherwise if we're kind of beating around the bush or we're shutting other people down, I mean, you know, we're not really respecting them. So it's all about respect that goes two ways.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

Well that is great. I'm gonna be grabbing that ebook myself and the link for it is if you are if you are listening or watching the links or wherever you are so you can follow her socials and jump right over to the website to grab that ebook. And again we just really appreciate all your time and insight. This was a great conversation and thanks for being here. Thank you so much. It's been fun and thanks for listening