Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Welcome back to Speak Out Standout. I'm Elizabeth Green, and today's guest is Ashley Noel. Ashley is the founder of Blended Bond, which is a conversation card company helping families build stronger relationships through meaningful conversations. Ashley, we're so excited to have you here today. Thank you for having me. I'm excited. So I know you have a lot of tips for us today on how to build confident communicators in our kids through conversations and questions that we ask them.

Why Blended Families Need Better Questions

SPEAKER_00 1:03

But let's back up just a little bit and tell us like how did you get to this point in your life where building conversation and the um environment for conversation in families is like your mission and what you do.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Yeah, um, it was not the plan. I will start by saying that. Um it actually It's funny how that happens. I know. And it's funny because like life can be all set and like going, and then all of a sudden this like something just falls into your lap and you're like, oh my gosh, I feel like I have to go with this, but it's impromptu. Um honestly, it was really big. So we are a blended family. It's myself, my daughter, and then my fiance has two twin boys. And in mixing the ages that they were at, so approximately eight to nine, because they're all about six months apart, um, we just realized they had so many more emotions and feelings and they're going through their own things. And honestly, between myself and Patrick, we just thought we needed to start asking them, how are you doing? Like, what can we do differently? Um, because I think so much as adults, especially in situations like that, the adults are navigating so much, just thinking they're trying to like get ahead, do the right thing, make the right move. And for us, we actually said, like, let's actually look inside and ask the kids what's going on and how we can best, you know, make this transition really great for them. Um, and with that, we just started actually asking questions to our children on like a family meeting on Sunday nights. Um, how is this move going for you? Are there things you miss from our old home? Um, are there things we can implement here? New traditions or old traditions you still want back? Um, are there any areas that you know you are uncomfortable with or you're not very happy in certain spaces? And the way they started opening up and making our transition of blending these two families together was just so like magical for us, where it was simple, sometimes simple answers that they had and sometimes bigger, but it was really good to like address the issue and the concern. And it just kept growing, and we realized there was not a lot of these kind of the correct prompts for blended families. There's a lot for you know nuclear families to discuss about things, but forgetting that there's a lot of families out there that are taking two separate families and bringing them together, and it just kept growing from there. So we've we wanted to share our questions with the world.

Listening As The Confidence Builder

SPEAKER_00 3:24

I love it. And you know, we sometimes it's questions for kids can be especially that age range, or like when we get into like the tweens and teens, sometimes we can feel like I mean, every day when they can how how is school boring or whatever. But when you can ask the right questions and when they feel safe opening up, I think that that is one of the things that you can like literally see kids light up whenever they they're getting the opportunity to share their thoughts or opinions about something with people that they care about and respect. And especially when it comes to things that they're not typically asked about, you know. That's what I would say.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Like with it reminds me that they're human, I think, you know, um, because we forget that you know these these kids are eventually going to be adults. Right. And we don't like there's still, yes, we, you know, we're the parents and like there's that child parent role, but also they still have feelings and thoughts and they're going through this world that we are too. And so I forget, I think a lot of adults we forget that we should just ask them how they're doing. Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Right. And I, you know, we teach speech and debate, and we have taught thousands of kids. And a lot of times parents are surprised that their kids um are they're afraid that they're going to be uncomfortable or, you know, it can be like an intimidating thing. And then they come out of class and they're excited and all that. And we always say, like, we're not doing anything magical here. We're giving them an opportunity to share their opinions about things, and everybody's listening. And who doesn't want to be listened to?

SPEAKER_01 4:45

So and such a great lesson to learn and a great like value, I think, to feel that your voice is worth something, that your opinion is worth something. Um, you know, maybe not everyone will agree through life, like teaching kids that too, and like we can't always fix everything, maybe that they bring up, but that you do have a place to have a say and we want to hear that too.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Yeah, absolutely. But I will say I think it comes down to asking the right questions and and then making sure that they know that we're listening, right? And so if we want to start, whether whether we're a blended family, a nuclear family, just in general, what kind of tips do you have about how do we can how can we ask better questions that are going to get actual answers instead of the like the regular everyday, how was your day? You know? Yes.

Open-Ended Questions That Get Real Answers

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Well, definitely starting with more open-ended questions where they can't actually just say like yes, no, meh, whatever that response is, something that actually has to give a little more color to their answer. And I think sometimes that giving it a little more specific instead of too broad can feel like really open and they don't know how to answer. It's bringing it down to like, how was this past weekend, you know, with your new siblings or something like that, making it very detailed. Um, for example, and that's with blended families, obviously, but really just honing in on how can I make something very specific to what you would think about right now, instead of what do you want to be when you grow up? Like sometimes that's a very, that's a very stressful question, you know, for a child sometimes, just because it's too broad.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

Yeah. And or things like, you know, in our classes, we'll do like would you rather, you know? And and that's always they always have an opinion on that. And but, you know, or like with my son, I'm trying to get better. I have I have two kids, and my 17-year-old tells me all the things. My 13-year-old is just a quiet little guy. And I'm trying to get better on, you know, when he comes home from school to say something like, Well, which class did you like better today, math or science? You know, and then I can get a little bit more out of him. So, like you said, we're still asking open-ended questions, which is important. You don't want to just give him the opportunity for just the yes or no questions or yes or no answers, but too broad can be too much to comprehend and think about.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Yeah, and I think I even have that. So we have the three kids between us, and like my daughter, for example, really loves like a this or that. She doesn't like like too broad. She nick she likes to narrow it down. Or, for example, with her, especially through school, I'm always like, on a scale of one to ten, how was your day today? Um, just where it gives her more of like a here's a range that I can work with, where the boys I can ask them a little bit more and they're like very colorful with their answers and they can talk all day. But she needs a little, she likes a little more guidelines just to help her, you know, think about what she wants to say too.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Yeah. On the scale of one to ten, I was that works so well with same with my youngest. Um and I'll do that sometimes checking in just when I'm like, you know, kind of talking him into bed when he still lets me do that. And I'm and I'll just be like, How are you doing, man? And he knows what I mean, and he'll be like, uh, an eight or whatever, you know, and okay, that's that's pretty good, you know. But um, it's just it's for some kids that is the way they can. I mean, it's like you when you go to the doctor and they ask for your scale of it's yeah, if you could for some people, it really helps just to be able to attach it to a number, which I'm sure there's something psychological about that.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

But if a kid just says good, how good is that good? You know, like because when if she can answer, you know, eight or nine, that feels really good to hear back. But if it's like uh maybe good, but like five, six, I'm like, oh let's let's talk about that, you know. Like I love not that it's gonna be a perfect day every day, but you know, let's see like uh where did it go a little, where did it fall a little short?

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Yeah.

Making Family Meetings Actually Work

SPEAKER_00 8:21

And you mentioned earlier that you all have like a family meeting. And so do you outside of doing that, and well, let's say, like for a busy parent who's listening and is like, I don't think we have time to do that, my kids would roll their eyes. What do you what do you say to that? Is it, I mean, is it for every family or should is it something?

SPEAKER_01 8:38

I think we can find every family can find a moment. Um, for example, well, our cards, when we created these cards, we actually really promote doing them either at dinner um before bed or driving in the car. Because usually when kids are facing straightforward, they don't feel so intimidated to answer as well. Um, so those can always be good check-ins. But as a whole family, honestly, we can even set aside like just 30 minutes, you know, 30 minutes before bed. It doesn't need to be, you know, like a three-hour meeting or anything. And you might be surprised how long it might go after. But like we'll put it on the calendar, um, just so it's a little more like here's our slot. Like, let's make time for this. And honestly, in the grand scheme, if you can't make, you know, like 30 minutes for your family, then I feel like some things, you know, you want to like readjust and figure out too, because you know, that's that's what you're building and that's what you're growing. And like this, they're your family, your children, they're going to, you know, grow up and be their own young adult selves. You want to at least teach them that making time for like relationships and relationship building and bonding with your family is still important. So, yes, we I mean, we have all the crazy sports, weird late dinners, all that stuff. But I feel like in a week we can find those 30 minutes at least to commit to each other as a family.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Yeah, that that makes a lot of sense. And that's a great point about showing them that this is part of being a family. Like it does require work, it does require effort. Now, are your kids like in the beginning when you and now that they know what to expect, I'm sure like they're good with it. But in the beginning, were they kind of like, ugh, a family meeting? Or like, were they did they open up quickly, or what was your experience?

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Yeah, it was a little bit of mix because um initially when we were starting the meetings, it was because we all were blending and moving into the same home together. So everyone kind of had something to say. Um, I almost was to the point where I'm like, do I put a comment box in the living room? And it can be anonymous. Um, but honestly, um, they really just had stuff to start talking about, or we made it really categorized. Like, okay, today we're gonna talk about like meals. Is there anything that's that we need differently with meals? Next week, uh chores. I know everyone's annoyed with them. What do we need to hash out? How do we need to like, you know, balance them out differently? Um, so even like breaking it down, if it's like you just want to start with a topic you know everyone is annoyed with or wants to discuss or maybe excited about too. You know, you can just make that the topic for the first time. And I think through that, it will just start to grow of like, oh yeah, and then this opened up a door for this conversation and then this conversation. So the kids just kind of slowly kept opening up, but the the categories really helped them.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

That makes sense. And you know, when I think of a meeting, I think of somebody talking at a group of people, but this sounds like it's a very interactive, collaborative thing. And and and like what kid does not want to feel like you value their opinion? And especially, I mean, the chore thing, who would, you know, a lot of people would think that, well, these are your chores, that's what it is. But by giving them the opportunity to talk about it, it's obviously you're not gonna be like, well, you just don't have to do any chores, but you know, you're listening to their feedback and and adjusting things, you're teaching them how to be in the real world and in in work and family and all the things where they're going to share their opinions. And sometimes we do things we don't want to do, but just letting them feel like they have a choice. I could see that that just would really, you know, make a difference.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yeah. And I think even too, like we've heard, even as the parents, we've heard some, you know, uncomfortable things on the back end of just things they asked that we could do differently. Um, or we didn't know there was like a chore that they all thought was confusing or didn't make sense and all this. So once they all brought it to our attention, we're like, oh, we can fix that. Sorry about that. Um, or for example, one of the boys really asked their dad, or he said, um, I'd really love it when we have, you know, disagreements and arguments that it's a two-way street instead of you just telling me, you know, as the parent. He's like, I do have, you know, I have feedback back in a nice way, which was so insightful because his dad was like, Oh my gosh, I didn't realize I was talking at him, you know, instead of talking like with him to find the solve. Um, so we've had our uncomfortable moments, but there's a lot of growth out of them too. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

Yeah, and you could go into something like your husband going into something thinking that you're doing it in the way that's coming across the right way, but we have no idea actually how people are interpreting our our intentions. So without giving them the space to tell us and you know making them feel comfortable enough to do so, you know, we can't change.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

And we can we can guess how their days day in and day out, but we actually are not the kids like in their shoes. We're not, you know, going between maybe the two homes or going through whatever they're going through at school. So it's like we have to give them a space to understand that we actually can't just assume what they're all doing or feeling or navigating until we give them that platform to start talking about it too.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Right. I you just made me think I not too long ago, we were talking about going to the Caribbean. And my youngest was just like, I don't want to go. I just want to stay home. And I assumed that maybe he was afraid of flying. And finally, he ended up saying something like just out of the blue, we weren't even talking about it. But out of the blue one time, he goes, Will will they speak English there? And I was like, Oh yeah, buddy, they're absolutely gonna speak English. That's his concern. His concern was that that we were he was not gonna be able to communicate with people while we were there. And I had no idea. And and I did I guess I didn't ask enough questions. I assumed it was a fear of flying, and it had nothing to do with that.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

Yes, I think we do that probably all the time as parents because we're just kind of going with like what we're guessing, you know, like, oh yeah, I that makes or that would make sense, or I can connect those dots quickly instead of realizing, like, oh, it might be easier than that, or it might just be different and we can fix that too.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Right, right. Well, there are you know, kids are all different, and like I was saying, in my in my two, I have two opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to how open and communicative they are. What

Helping Quiet Kids Find Their Voice

SPEAKER_00 14:11

do you say? How well how do we work with those kids who are quieter? That even when we ask the questions, they seem like they still either don't have the words or don't want to communicate. What are what are some tips to building that confidence in them? That they don't always have to have the right words, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

And I think for um in our scenario, so my daughter's the quiet one and the boys are very loud. They're twins too. Um, so I also know that she needs a little more time with one of the like a question or things like that too, where the boys might be able to fire off right away. She's very much like she likes to think about what she's going to say. And I know in the beginning we would all kind of be like, come on, like it's your turn, go ahead. And that would stress her out more. So she would just like retreat back more and more. And then realizing that she needed a little more of the space, we'll move on to like maybe another again and like let us know when you're ready. Just like you can tap in and be ready to answer your question. And also, too, like that guideline of, but we will, you know, finish the conversation before we leave the dinner table. So she still knows like I do have to answer, but I have a little more space for what I need. Um, another thing with I think quiet kids too, maybe they like a little more one-on-one instead of the group. So I know there's certain questions that when I want to ask her kind of truly how she is on like a really deep mother-daughter level, she doesn't want to talk about that with the boys. So that's like in the car, before bed, just one-on-ones, things like that. Um, or there's even questions, as much as the boys are very, you know, extroverted and love to speak. There's still time conversations that they will answer differently when they're not with each other. So I do know like to give that space and time, or we do do this like weird that the kids all love this bedtime routine of I go to each room, we rub backs, uh, Patrick goes to each room, he rubs backs, and the dog follows, and then they end with one room and then we all go to bed. So it's like this wild routine. But that has been really beautiful because we each get to kind of have as much as we'll have family time at dinner, we can actually check in one-on-one. So I can say, you know, how was your how was the soccer practice that you had to take today without his brother around? Because he might feel different, you know, about it than what came out at the dinner table too. Yeah. So kind of giving them that space of, yes, as a group and a family, it's really good, but I totally understand and respect that you have individual feelings too, that you might not want on the, you know, bigger scale.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

Yeah. Well, and so especially for a blended family where this in a lot of cases, they're just getting to know each other, right? And then in in a lot of cases, they're moving in with people that they don't feel like that they really know. I can imagine that the the family meetings and the conversation cards and all that not only are giving you all insight into things they're struggling with or things they're happy with, but I can imagine it's building bonds too between the kids and between the the parent of the, you know, between the step parent and the stepkids. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

It's helped a lot just because you forget everyone is still like come from a different background and come from a different family, different, you know, traditions or routines. And that you still have to like, for example, my daughter and I, I've known her since birth, before birth, you know, we've had a lot of time together where, you know, my her stepdad, he has to, you know, that's a little more extra work of getting to know how she navigates things, that she doesn't respond, you know, the same as the boys. And same for me with the boys. I had to get very used to like very extroverted boys, very opinionated, and how to understand that relationship when I was very used to someone very like, calm and I'll come to you when I'm ready. So it was just you have to really learn each other's personalities, details on how they communicate, their love languages. We talk a lot about everyone's love languages because not even just in love, but how they like communication or checking in, things like that. Each kid is so different. And the boys we know each other a lot now, but there was a time when we didn't, and that's you know, still my job as the adult to make the effort and learn how they are and not expect them to, you know, be the same as my daughter or somebody else too.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Yeah. Well, I know that this is a little your your kids and your stepkids are a little bit younger. They're I think you're they're you're kind of at a a nice age to be able to they're 14 now. Oh, they're 14. Okay, okay. So so let's talk about that though. So

Blending With Teens Takes Time

SPEAKER_00 18:26

that changes everything. But what would you say to somebody who's like beginning a blended family and the kids are a little bit older, their tweens, their teens, and maybe it's a little bit harder to get that communication going. What would you say to them or what kind of tips do you have for them?

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Biggest thing is to not force it. You can't force, you know, connection. Um, blending a family takes time, especially when they're in this teen age, which was why it was so um important to us to actually build when they were like the eight and nine to start like opening up for communication because we knew teen years, we always say if they would have met now, it would be wildly different. Yeah, whole different ballgame. They're in their zones, you know, they think they run the world now, all those things like that. Um, but you have to be really intentional of like making sure they are still heard as individuals, that they are not, you know, forced to be here. You have to let them like get to that point in time. They say it takes about five to seven years for a blended family to actually start to feel like a family. So especially for like families out there who are like you're two, like it's not working, it still takes time. Like you have to for you have to remember that we've been with our children, you know, since birth, but the rest of this family now has not. So we don't all know each other on that same level. So you have to give grace and give time and a lot of patience.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Yeah, yeah, I can understand that for sure. Well, do you tell us a little bit more about your conversation cards? Are

Inside The Blended Bond Card Deck

SPEAKER_00 19:46

they like is it like, you know, how are you feeling about different things and some of those examples we've talked about, or are they like silly things? Or is it a mix? What kind of stuff do you have in those?

SPEAKER_01 19:55

It is a mix. So they are broken up. There's about 90 prompts um in the main deck. Um, it's through growth, trust, connection, um, action, takeaway, and fun cards. So the cards are all just um, you know, broken out between all of those, depending on if you want to actually focus on a certain, you know, area and category, or if you want a mixed bag, you can do that too. Um, the fun cards are actually just activities that we did as a family that really helped just bond us and do things together. For example, like doing a family talent show one night and you learn so much about each other that you didn't know. And it can be silly, it doesn't need to be like, you know, piano and dance, it can be, but also like someone has a like one of those freaky things they can do of like rolling their tongues or something, just something new that you learn about them. Or, you know, doing a family camping trip, whether it's in your backyard or somewhere, and learning all the different skills that the kids and the adults have. Some are really great with, you know, tactical things, some are really great with the logistics and working together like that. Um, and then when it comes to questions, for example, I have one here, like a connection card. What's the best thing about our family? You know, what is something like what is a great mantra? Uh, what do you feel best and proud of, you know, of our family? Um, and a growth one is what do you think would make you feel more comfortable in the family? Which some of these questions are just great to ask any family members, whether you're, you know, blended or nuclear, because you might learn a lot um just of what they're missing, what they love, and that just really helps you as a parent to keep continuing to grow and water that garden and watch them just like bloom too.

unknown 21:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

And like you we talked about earlier, we can't assume that we know the answers to those things because more often than not, they're gonna surprise you with your answer.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

I will say there was one um funny time, maybe about six months to a year ago. I can't remember exactly when it was. Um, so like I've said, my daughter's wildly different from the boys. And um, but they've all had school finally for the first year at the same school together this past year, which was great because they all had things in common teachers, friends that they could like joke about at dinner and things like that. And at one point though, I always like still was like checking in because I think as a blended family, you want to check in and make sure is your kid doing okay, like one-on-one with her. And I remember asking her, I'm like, How are you doing here? Like with the boys, like scale them one to ten. And I was expecting more because she eye rolls a lot when they do stuff. I was expecting more of like four or five, and she was like, nine. I was like, nine, no. She's like, Yeah, it just isn't a ten because I don't like when they fight. I was like, that's that's it. I had no, I was thinking this whole time you're like wildly annoyed with these boys. And so, like, even something like that on like a positive, where I was wildly surprised, just thinking, like, oh, like, what are we gonna have to work through right now? And she was like, No, I'm at a nine, I'm good. Oh, which was so fun to hear.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

When Kids Surprise You With Truth

SPEAKER_00 22:46

But without asking, we don't know. So well, Ashley, this has been really, really great. And we won't make we're gonna link to the conversation cards, so it's super easy for people to find. We'll also link to all your socials. So if you're listening or watching, the links are gonna be right wherever you are, so you can follow her socials and um check out those conversation cards. But is there anything else you want to share? Any last tips or anything you want to leave us with?

SPEAKER_01 23:07

I will add, so we have our like our physical deck, um, which is really great, like truly physical card deck. Um, but we also just launched like a digital version. So it's actually you swipe the cards on your phone. So really fun for if you want something on the go, really quick, easy. You can select what cards you want. Uh, if you just are out and about and you're like, we need a fun card tonight. You can tap on fun cards, swipe through them, and find one for you too. So we're making it really fun. Um, we have a really great community where I we share a lot as a family on our Instagram. Kids get interviewed, they love talking about just our family, and it's fun to hear teenage answers on life. Um, and we share a lot of fun tips about just blending families and co-parenting and you know, good communication. Which is so important, such a big part of it.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

And and I get and all the things that you're doing, I know we've talked about like how this is building uh bonds between you all, but you're also building their confidence, right? I mean, all of this ties back to that too, and their ability to communicate and feel confident in what they have to say.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

100%. I think even watching them like grow into these

Digital Cards And Where To Connect

SPEAKER_01 24:07

new versions of themselves, they're like I said, they're very all three of them now are very um outspoken in the best way. They vocalize for themselves. I'll hear things from teachers or coaches where I'm like, that means so much. And whether I want to think it happened from our home or not, I think there's some part of it that we, you know, amplified their voices here so they felt, you know, comfortable to do it out in the world too. And it's just really beautiful to watch your children just grow into themselves.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

I think that's such an important reminder that when we think about building confidence in our kids, sometimes we think about, you know, putting them in in things like debate or sports or whatever. And so much of it can actually just happen through conversations at home. 100%. So yeah. Well, Ashley, again, thank you so much for your time. And we're it like I said, if you're listening, the links for everything are right there. So you'll be able to go check them out. And you can always reach out to Ashley on social media too if you have more questions. So thanks for being here. Thank you so much. And thanks for listening.